So scared about losing mum

[Mummysgirl1]

Hello, I’m new here..

reading some of your stories does help to know I’m not the only one but I am desperate for some support. My dad died suddenly 2 months ago. We had a brilliant relationship but him and my mum split up when I was 3. I loved my dad so much and we weren’t that “close” I saw him about 5 times a year as he lived miles away. Now my mum I see every day. She is my person. My number 1. Best friend. We do absolutely everything together and have a very unique relationship and we are like life partners as we are both single. She is 74 and amazing I am 49. I am so so scared and panicking all the time that she is going to die (which I know one day she will) the anticipatory grief I have is crippling me. I can not live without my mum. She has got illnesses but copes quite well. I usually see her every day, if not I will speak to her on phone about 4 times a day. We literally are each others person but got so close over the past 20yrs as both being single and only really needed each other. Days out, shopping, lunch, holidays.. everything together. She is my biggest supporter. I’m so scared of her dying. I can’t live without her. It’s not a codependent relationship as such but the older she got I realised I wanted to spend more time with her. Now I know when she goes (which might not be for years yet) that I will want to go with her. I can’t stop over thinking this. I think it stems from the grief and shock of losing dad and watching him in icu and them turning his life support off and the trauma, but I can’t not go through that with mum. No way.

I really really need some support guys in how you deal with all this. I can’t keep hearing stories about how bad it is.

Did any of you have an intense unique relationship with your parent and now you’re all alone, no husband or support network?

How are you all doing? HOW do you all do this? If you are in this situation that I am dreading my heart sincerely goes out to you.

Thank you for listening.

[Seaneen]

I’m so sorry about your dad, @Mummysgirl1. It’s completely understandable that after that trauma, you’re feeling so scared about losing your mum, too.

Do you think it might help to have a space to explore your fears? If so, it would be worth having a chat with your GP about what kind of support might be helpful.

I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted you to know that you’ve been heard and are not alone.

[Mummysgirl1]

Thank you so much for replying. I have self referred for nhs talking therapies? But everything takes so long. I have an initial assessment on the 19th Nov. Then hopefully they can sort out some kind of therapy with the right person? I’m with mum now and all I’ve thought all day is “what if this is the last time?”

I rang the Samaritans the other day just for someone to talk to but they obviously just listen and don’t get advice. I just need someone who feels the same as me so tried to reach out here. Never done anything like this before but I’m not coping at all at the moment.

Thank you

[berit]

I am you ten years later. When my mother was alive, she urged me gently to seek someone. I wish I had. I was an only child and loved. However, Nature does not care about that. Now here I am looking for someone. Too bad. I am just telling you one perspective but you may not want anyone. But Nature is set up how it is set-up our parents generation has a spouse and children so they did not have to deal with this. But our generations were different. You are lucky to have this time with her. But I can say from experience, I should have watched out over my own needs and interests while they were alive. Thinking I could make up the time when they were gone, to reconnoiter, well, it has not been happy or successful. I wish I had moved in life with more alacrity. Just what happened to me.

[Mummysgirl1]

I really do appreciate your reply. I understand what you’re saying. As my mum became single for the second time about 20 years ago, and I have been single for about 10 years we just fell together as each others support. Now as I’m so paranoid about her dying i am spending as much time with her as possible as people advise this is important. So I’m torn, I can’t now distance myself from my mum as time with loved ones is precious. People say make lots more memories with her while I can. So I am. But then my whole purpose in life will be gone when she is. The panic of her having to leave is overwhelming. It’s very confusing to explain. Thank you for taking the time to reply .

[Mummysgirl1]

Do you think all this worry and panic about my mum dying stems from Dad dying. Is it part of the grieving process of my dad? It’s like all my fears have projected into worrying now that mum is going to die. I feel like I’m not really grieving my dad because we weren’t very close so the “missing” him isn’t really part of it. It’s just made me reflect on the fact that I won’t have my mum some day and I know it’s normal to worry about losing parents. But this isn’t worry, it’s pure panic about losing her.

[Ally6]

Dear @Mummysgirl1 , Im so sorry for the loss of your Dad I think you are right - even though you may not have been that close to your Dad, grief can trigger anxiety and worry about losing others who are dear to us. The body goes into a fight or flight reflex and feels threatened/unsafe.

I was in a similar situation to you in that I had an extremely close relationship with my mum - I have no partner or children, and my Dad died in his 60s leaving Mum on her own. We had always been incredibly close, but she had a lot of health issues, and I found at points I would torment myself going round and round in my head worrying about when would she die, how would she die how would I cope etc. So I relate a lot to what you’re describing

I received counselling after i lost my Dad and a lot of it was spent actually talking about my relationship with my Mum! So i think considering counselling is a good idea. Many years later I also discovered mindfulness and meditation and that was a big help in stopping these imaginary futures in my head, and learning to be more present in the here and now, appreciating what i had. There are lots of apps and free tools out there and it can start with as little as 5 minutes a day if you wanted to explore it.

I lost my mum 2 years ago and yes it was heart wrenching. The reality is we can’t control the future and death is something that comes to us all eventually. Dont let that fear cloud the precious time you have with your mum right now. But, like @berit says I think there is also a balance to be struck - when my mum lost her parents, she turned to my Dad for support, and she had 3 children to focus on, so a large part of her life continued despite her loss. But if you build your entire life solely around your Mum, then when that time comes, it feels like your whole life has stopped, the hole that is left is huge - thats where i am now. Im sure if you asked your mum what she would want for you, she would want you to be happy and have a balanced life, with friends, activities, maybe even a partner. When she first held you in her arms 49 years ago im pretty sure those would have been the dreams she had for you. Its not disloyal to have other interests and friends - it doesnt mean you love her any the less. I think this is where a counsellor might be able to help explore your relationship and to think about your life goals.

Sending you hugs

[Ulma]

I’m very sorry for your loss, dear. I’m in the situation you dread right now, though I lost mum first and dad most recently. I think they both would have wished a partner for me and so would I, but it isn’t always a matter of what one wants, sometimes life just doesn’t work that way.

It’s very early days for you yet and the overreaction isn’t strange. It will ease, that intense anticipatory fear, I had it myself in the first months after mum. When it does, I would advice trying to find a middle ground. Keep yourself open to possible relationships, look actively for one, if you feel like it, but spend time with your mum as well. One doesn’t have to rule out the other. I won’t lie to you and say I’m coping well, but I don’t regret one single moment I spent with my dad either.

Talking to a counsellor is a good idea, it will help you sort out your thoughts. Sending hugs.

[Mummysgirl1]

@Ally6 and @Ulma thabk you both so much for your kind and considerate replies. I don’t really know how to use this site yet so I hope I’m doing it right?

The thing I was looking for was people that can relate to how I’m feeling so I don’t feel like the only one. You have both helped. It’s an awful situation, I feel so so selfish because here I am talking about “losing” my mum and she’s still alive.

I am so so scared and worried about losing her. We have made each other “our lives” and that is our own fault. In hindsight I’m wishing I wasn’t so close to her! We are best friends and there is no one I would rather spend my time with.

When she dies I will lose my mum, best friend and life partner all in one. This is what’s so scary. She is like my life partner as we share decisions, opinions, days out, shopping, decorating, holidays, everything you can think of together.

I always thought along the lines of “so long as I’ve got my mum I don’t need anyone else” and totally unintentionally closed myself off from most things except my mum without even thinking!

I really don’t know how I’ll live without her.. and I so so wish I could stop getting so scared and worried about it as I know nothing I can do will change the future, but I am consumed by these thoughts. Since dad died suddenly I’m constantly thinking when I put the phone down to her, maybe that’s the last time we ever speak?

It’s gut wrenching at the thought.

You all seem so brave on here. You’re all absolutely amazing and I’m sure your passed loved ones would be immensely proud of how you are hear listening and helping others.

I’m very very lucky to still have mum and I’m ruining it by having a knot in my throat/chest/stomach all day long. I might have my mum for a long time yet. I realise that, but the fear I feel at losing her is unbearable.

I’m rambling and not making much sense. What I saw dad go through, in the icu etc there is no way I could cope if that was my mum.

I just need the strength and support of other people.

I’m so pathetic that I can’t get past this.

[Ally6]

You’re not pathetic - youre grieving the loss of your Dad Please don’t be too hard on yourself - it is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and scared at such an early stage. Hopefully when your referral for talking therapies goes through this might help

You need time first to grieve the loss of your Dad, the Dad you knew and maybe even the Dad you would have liked if you had been closer? But after that remember nothing is set in stone - you always have choices in how you go forward. As you say, your Mum could be around for many years to come, and you still have the opportunity to make more happy memories with her, but also to expand your horizons and develop new friendships/interests. You have had an insight that not many people get in advance, so you have the chance to make changes. They dont have to be big ones, it could be as simple as signing up to an evening class/walking group/dance class once a week. Small steps. Dont think about 5/10 years time, focus on one small change that is achievable now. It might be scary, but thats where the support of a counsellor can help. And also im sure you will have the support of your Mum - when I went out on holidays and outings with friends, Mum loved hearing what I’d been up to and looking at the photos. Its not an either/or choice - you can have a lovely close relationship with your Mum AND have room for other things in your life.

[Mummysgirl1]

Thank you. Thank you. What another lovely reply. I appreciate this so much.

I will struggle to do things without her in the sense that I always want to be with her?

I do really need to get a few interests without her you are right, and yes hopefully my counselling will help (when it eventually happens!)

Talking here really does help calm my head a little bit. It’s the grief of dad triggering anticipatory grief for my mum who is still here.. it’s such a draining depressing feeling.

I don’t feel guilty as such, doing things without my mum, I’d just rather include her and do things without her whilst I’ve still got her. It’s because she is my everything I find it hard to leave her sitting in her house bored and lonely.. when I could be with her or her out with me.

You seem so calm and level headed and I am such a mess!

I think I will try to strengthen the friendships I’ve got and spend more time with friends when possible.

You’re an amazing person for talking to me and very kind. All you’ve been through, my heart goes out to you.

You are correct that I have an insight into what most people don’t so at least I may have the opportunity to gain more support.

The doom feeling I get thinking that any day now mum could die (as is true for anyone) is just one I can’t shake.

Do you think this worry will ease or go at some stage?

[Ally6]

Im sure it will ease, and that might be naturally over time or it might take the support of a counsellor. Our mind tells us stories but someone wise once told me feelings aren’t facts. So sometimes its about recognising its a thought, but choosing to put it aside. That’s where mindfulness helped me. Of course I was still worried about one day losing mum but I didn’t play scenarios out in my head over and over. It teaches you to be more comfortable in the here and now.

I totally understand that desire to spend all your time with your Mum, I was the same . But you never know, by going out and doing something new maybe it will encourage your Mum to take up new hobbies or spend more time with her friends, so it might be a positive step for both of you. When Dad was around Mum and Dad did plenty together, but they had their own interests and social circle too.

Take care, and keep posting - you’re not alone

[Ulma]

Like Ally said, you’re not pathetic! It’s only two months since you lost your dad suddenly and of course you worry the same thing will happen with you mum. It’s normal and natural, because we can’t control it we worry about it.

Don’t regret being close to her, think of all those who have bad relationships with their parents and how that affects them in their lives. Be glad that you have a good relationship! For now, just try to relax and don’t look ahead. I too think mindfulness might help. The idea is to snap out of the spiralling thoughts and there’s tips about it online if you google. Another thing you might try is telling yourself that you have a set time to worry, like 10 minutes at a certain time every day. Then when you start to worry, just say stop, I’ll have to wait until my set time. Sometimes this helps, because you don’t have to stop worrying altogether, so it’s easier for your mind to accept it. When you see the counsellor, she/he will surely have more advice.

[Andi3]

My dad was abusive so him and my mum split when I was 17. I was the cause of that split because I walked out one day and took my younger brother with me. Fast forward I became very close with my mum. As she got sick she became more dependent on me and I became closer to her. I cared for her towards the end. I’ve suffered with anticipated grief probably for about 3 years maybe more. She always seemed to bounce back. This is where my story is a bit different. My mum died on Thursday. I am struggling beyond belief at not being able to phone her and speak to her. However because she was sick I know now she is no longer in pain and suffering. I cried my eyes out up until today. This afternoon I went out with my brother and it felt like my mum was there! The sky was blue, there were hardly any clouds. I can even say we had a nice time! The pain is still there. My heart hurts soooo badly! But something there today just felt like it was ok and I believe it was cos I felt my mum there with us. Yesterday I could even see myself getting to the end of the day. Now I’m back crying but I had a couple of hours where it felt like she was there with us and I actually felt peace. I can’t wait for the next time that happens and it’s given me something to hang on to for now. My friends have said they’ve seen theirs in a dream after they’ve gone and they’ve felt them still around. That gives me comfort that she’ll still be around and I can talk to her even though I cant hear her voice again. I hope this helps I in some way

[Mummysgirl1]

Thank you

you are right, I am so fortunate and lucky to have such the best relationship with my mum, but that’s part of what makes this so painful.

I will have to try the mindfulness. I really can’t control my thoughts at the moment.

I’m very scared of being on my own and just can’t stop thinking that the only person who would be able to help me through my mums death, is my mum. She has got me through everything in my life, she is an amazing mum and her support is brilliant. Always there for me and never let me down.

That’s why it’s scary. Losing “my person” will not be easy and I really really need help with controlling the thoughts of the future. Which nobody can predict.

Thank you x

[Ally6]

One thing I sometimes wish is that I had spoken to my mum more about how she coped when Dad died - i was so caught up in my own grief and sorting out all the practical things for Mum. Maybe one day when it feels right you could have a chat with your Mum about how she coped with her parents deaths? Get a little Mum wisdom from her? Just a thought

[Andi3]

I completely get you. my mum was my go to for everything and the hardest part is not being able to ask her what to do. I do feel like she is here though and I’m literally talking to her all the time. One thing I have realised though is how much like her I am and alot of the time I know what she would say. I just wanna hear her say it

[Almond21]

I had a very similar relationship with my Mum, My Mum and Dad separated when I was 4 years old, I’m now 51, my Dad is still alive but we aren’t very close, My relationship with my Mum was one in a million! She was my best friend and also my biggest supporter, we also spoke every day (sometimes 3-4 times a day)

Sadly my Mum passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on the 6th of January this year, I done CPR on my Mum for 22 minutes until the ambulance arrived, one of my biggest fears was always losing my Mum and although it’s extremely difficult without her and I would do anything to have her back, I am surviving…..something I never thought I would be able to do. I guess what I’m trying to say is please try and enjoy the time that you have with your Mum, keep on making those happy memories together and enjoy your time together, life is too short and you don’t want to waste time on worrying about losing your Mum or you will miss out on enjoying life with her, let’s face it, we are all going to die one day…unfortunately it’s inevitable but please try not to worry about something that you can’t control and trust me it’s difficult when it does happen but you will find the strength from within you to keep going xxx

[Burgled]

Hello @Mummysgirl1

It’s 2 years since I lost my beloved dad in a similar-sounding scenario to yours (had to withdraw care in ICU). What followed was 2 years of pure anxiety. I was on edge the whole time. I would panic about everything. My mum’s health was one of those worries.

I now feel like I’m finally turning a corner and starting to ease off with the panic. My best friend said something that helped: ‘zoom out’. When we are anxious and panicked we can only see the issue that is causing it, but by stepping back and seeing the bigger picture / counting our blessings / being mindful, we can regain composure.

My mum was dependent on my dad, and now she’s dependent on me. But she wants me to build a life of my own, and I’m making a concerted effort, while still actively supporting her.

[Lisa892]

I read this and it made me cry. You and your mum were me and my mum. For the last 2 years of my mums life, I felt I spoilt our time together being unhappy and worrying about losing her. Not sure if she knew or noticed. I was with her all of the time. I lost her September 2022 and it’s still so hard, I’m still not coping. Life is hard. I’m angry at myself for not feeling 100% happy when she was here, because what I wouldn’t give to have her here now. Maybe my regret and anger with myself is part of my grief now. I mean, I know it is. I’m finding life hard without her and I’m not happy. I’m existing still even thought I know she’d hate that. If she is looking down on me, it will kill her that I’m so unhappy. This grief things before and after. I’m lost with it. Sending hugs