So scared

It’s been 2 weeks since my partner of 22 years died, he was suffering with dementia and it never occurred to me that he would die, I just thought we would go on struggling with him deteriorating slowly over time but he caught an infection and died very quickly. I’ve read a lot of posts and what strikes me the most is how brave everyone is and how everyone seems to have a strong sense of who they are, if that makes sense, me on the other hand can honestly say I don’t care about myself enough to want to carry on, .i don’t even know the old me let alone fighting for a life past this, please can someone talk to me

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Hi @Missy5 , it’s very very early days for you. All I can say is take one day at a time and if you can’t do something don’t beat yourself up. I lost my darling husband 21 weeks ago and I never thought I’d be able to leave the house or do anything for myself again. Don’t get me wrong some days I just sit in and cry. I’m back to work part time but if I have a wobble they are really good for me and either let me go home or just sit quiet for a bit. No two people are the same and there is no right or wrong on this shit show of a journey. Talking really does help too.

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Hi. Sorry for your loss.
After reading different posts on here. I have learnt one thing.
Everyone is going through a grieving process but that process is not the same for each of us.
We are all going through it in our own way. There is not a wrong or right way. There is no time limit.
We should not judge ourselves by how others are doing. Some people can move on, get in another relationship or start to think about looking. Others can’t even think about doing that. It doesn’t mean, that those that have got further than you, think any less of the person they have lost.
Just remember you are you, you’re unique. Don’t beat yourself up. Life is hard enough as it is. Just have faith in yourself.
Look at becoming a better version of yourself for your own sake, and in the honour of your loved one.
:people_hugging: sending hugs

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Hi Missy5
So sorry that you have lost your beloved partner.
How brave are you - it’s only been two weeks and you have found the courage to reach out.
I lost my beautiful husband of 40 years - he was terminally ill and died very suddenly. Like you I thought I would continue to care for him for a long time so his sudden passing made my grief hard to come to terms with.
I also don’t care for myself. What I do care about however is everything me and my husband worked so hard for. The life we created - two beautiful sons, two grandsons and our home. I carry on despite how I feel inside as I cannot bear to think that all that we achieved together was for nothing. His legacy is the driving force of everything I do.
I joined our leisure centre and took up yoga. Not because I wanted to get fit but just to get out of the house. I have a little dog which I walk every day. Outwardly I look like I am coping but I have a cry every day. I am retired and live on my own so even though I have a family I feel so desperately lonely and sad at times.
None of us feel brave but the alternative to not trying to move forward is even more scarier and it can never bring our loved ones back.
The first brave thing each of us do is to get up out of bed each morning. Every step we take after that is a bonus.
We are all struggling moving forwards with our new lives we never asked for.
Take care and don’t be so hard on yourself as it has only been two weeks for you xx

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Thank you for your kind words, i think your husband would be so proud I don’t feel very brave, I’m going back to work in 2 weeks just for 3 hours a day, work as a school dinner lady in a small school, they are very much my family so I think that will help,

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your words have touched me deeply and I everything I write in reply seems so hollow in comparison, you have a gift of putting your heart out there and I thank you for it, I hope I too will be able to find the words to help others but for now they won’t come

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The words will come when you least expect it. Don’t push yourself. Let things happen naturally x

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It’s so true we are struggling to move forward with our lives but those words also touched me deeply

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We all have a couple of things in common.

We are grieving for loved ones.
We don’t know how to deal with the emotions that are coming to the fore.
We are all alone.

The one big thing we have in common.
We came on a forum, to talk to others because they understand how each and everyone feels.

This to me is the beginning of moving forward, and getting use to a “new” life. I don’t mean finding a new partner or starting a relationship. I mean this is the beginning of learning how strong we are and need to be without our loved one, by our side.

Stay strong. Keep putting your feelings on here. Talk to those in the “know”.

Sending hugs :people_hugging:

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Sending hugs to you too myjica you take care

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We are all dealing with this grief differently. My husband died quite suddenly and although we knew he was terminally ill i thought he would have months not days!

Its very scary now because i have no idea who i am (or maybe who i want to be). We did everything together and now theres no one. We never had a family either.

The only thing i can say is to take things at your own pace. If you have a good day then try and do something positive. If your day is not so good then getting dressed is your positive achievement. Take care of yourself.

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It’s a new life none of us wanted but you had the courage to know trying to find others in similar boats. Don’t think everyone knows who they are or what they’re doing I know I certainly don’t I don’t even know how to pass myself off as a normal person. Some great reassuring comments on here that have certainly helped me take care minute by minute x

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Missy I was like you you have to tell yourself I’ve got to carry on I lost my husband 7 months ago he also had dementia lost a leg got sepsis and pneumonia but died of heart failure he had many illnesses we were married for 37 years yesterday was my husbands 68th birthday we all went down the beach took flowers and cards and we all had a drink for my husband was a good day sun shining and grandchildren having a good time.some days are hard but I try to move on grieving is very hard so take one day at a time xxxxxxxxxx

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Hi Missy,

It’s a whole new experience for most of us I would imagine. I lost my wife 6 weeks ago after being together for 57 years. Her final days were not pleasant but she wanted to die in her own bed and not in a hospice as the hospital wanted. I made sure that her wishes were granted . I have tried to blot out her last 10 days at home with me and remember all the good times we had together.

Try and find a local group to join, I found a cancer support group as we both had cancer. It helps enormously to talk in the flesh rather than from a keyboard. There are a lot of bereavement groups around where everyone is in the same situation of trying to come to terms with their loss and all handling it differently. We have never been taught how we should deal with such serious grief so everyone gets on the best they can.

I am no stronger because I am a man, I weep at the drop of a hat, and have yet to venture back into the bedroom where she left me from. I did wash all the bedding the same day but that’s about it.

Its an old cliche but try and stay strong, as difficult as it is. There is a lot of support on here but face to face support is far more effective.

x

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Hi DaveG so sorry for your loss it’s nearly 10 months for me we were together for 51 years, I couldn’t even step in the house for over a week couldn’t sleep in the bed for weeks I had face to face Bereavement councilling she suggested things to me I did it it certainly helped I finished mine at Christmas but before I left she suggested just little things to help me get through Christmas although it was terrible I did what she suggested now I’ve come onto this site probably 5 weeks ago realising everyone is going through the loss of a loved one I’m not alone and it certainly has helped me I actually feel different the odd day all though I cry everyday this site definitely helps it’s true one day at a time take care look after yourself

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