So tired...

I lost my partner 17 weeks ago he was only 66. I am now 68.,we had been together for over 25 years, then suddenly ,one day ended it all. I mentioned before about how my life stopped,He collapsed at home and was rushed to the hospital where he died before I reached the hospital ,
so I could not say goodbye and the guilt I had at not being there holding his hand at the last moments ,hurts me in a manner I cannot describe, but those on this site have all experienced.I found it hard to mourn at first, I had to get all the paper work sorted, get all the utilities sorted, and everything that seemed to rear its head.I can now try to mourn a person who meant everything to me. We were just two very good friend who at a time needed each other so badly. I find that I cant go to the places we went together, I cant watch the tv programmes that he enjoyed. I go shopping and see all those things that he wanted.
But now I am tired. I am tired of fighting all those places that boast they help in those times,I am tired of constantly being scared, I am tired of being lonely, I am tired of feeling lost.I am tired of being without him, But I will never tire of thinking of him and the good and sometimes not so good times.

Biffo, I feel for you because what you have written is how so many of us feel regarding doing things, seeing things and all those memories come flooding back.
Keep those memories and as you say good ones and the not so good one. I am sure he would have known that you were on your way but couldn’t stay long enough.
Perhaps going to one special place and saying you ‘goodbyes’ there, may help you and you never know what or how you will feel. I have a special place and sit and wait sometimes cry but after I always feel calm and in a happier place. Just thought.
I do hope over the coming weeks you will find an inner strength just to take each day, one at a time but without the fear and loneliness. Take care and yes we are all here for you. S xxx

Hi Biffo

This is the most exhausting thing I have ever had to deal with and I pray that I never have to experience anything like it again.
Yes I am only 57 years old but I plan to stay on my own. I will never be able to replace my wonderful husband, nor would I want to.
And I could never go through this pain again.

Both my parents are still here, thank god , both in their nineties, but I’m almost sure I will not suffer as I am now when that time comes. I also hope that the time frame between losing both parents will be small as I wouldn’t want my parents to feel this pain or loss when they lose their lifetime partner.

Dee xxx

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It’s amazing how we all use the same words to describe the pain. I can go 2 or 3 days being okay. Then tonight a tsunami hit me When does the soul sucking pain stop? How many tears can I shed before my eyes burn out of their sockets?

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I’m finding I am feeling worse as time goes by. Early day so much shock and things to sort out, now just time to keep going over the horrible loss.

Today is not so good. I’m very lonely

Dee xx

The loneliness is killer. People say you have those wonderful memories with him. Guess what…. that’s what hurts. Remembering all of that just emphasizes the loss. I try to keep my mind busy with anything but my memories of our time together. I think it’s something only we widowed can understand.

That’s exactly right. I still struggle to look at photos of Martin. He looks so happy and well in them all. After the post Mortem it was revealed that his heart was so large and diseased I could have lost him months before ……. So lucky me I had him longer then I might have.!! I don’t think so. I don’t feel lucky at all

Just tired, sad and walking through a life that has no meaning

Dee xx