So unhappy

About 15 years ago I began a long distance relationship with a wonderful unique person .
Over the years we were able to meet in each other’s countries with a view that one day we could live together.
LDR are very difficult and often intense. We had falling outs over the years but always recovered. I thought of him as the one. The pandemic put lots of stress on us as our countries coped in different ways.
Last year we broke up at my request which he agreed. We still spoke almost daily, we still were close . I wanted to get back together but he put the brakes on and said let’s see how it goes. I still loved him, I never stopped.
Three weeks we had a really nice chat like old times, my youngest child has now left home and I said to my friend I will return to visit and stay longer.
I am facing surgery this year and when I’ve recovered I planned to go.
The day after we last spoke his son called me and said
my friend had suffered a heart attack and didn’t survive. No one knew he had heart trouble. I was and still am absolutely shocked. The distance has made it so much harder,. The family streamed his funeral
and his son kindly read my speech. The family are also laying a personal item at my friends final resting place.
When my friend died so did my hopes, my future. I will never know if we could have reunited.
I have not been able to tell him I still love him.
He meant the world to me. I can’t stop crying, I keep looking at photos, listening to our songs, watching tv he liked.
I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I live alone now and am struggling. I know there are so many people like me and worse off than me.
I am grateful for the time we had , I just wish we had more time.


Hi @Punkyfsh,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - thank you for bravely starting this thread, and sharing how you’re feeling.

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, it sounds like you had a very special relationship and I can only imagine how hard the distance has made this.

You may find the following Sue Ryder resources helpful to you:

  • Our Bereavement information pages
  • Our Online Bereavement Support, which includes our free online bereavement counselling, our Grief Self-Help service which has interactive tools to help you cope with grief, and Grief Coach, where you can receive personalised support via text

I really hope you find some comfort in the community and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Online Community Team

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Dear @Punkyfsh I just wanted to reply to you and say how sorry I am for your heartbreaking loss. from all you say, it sounds as though you and your friend shared a very special bond and love. I feel sure he will have known, as his family obviously does, how much you loved him. Its hard when there’s no one to talk to, and grief is so lonely, but here is a good safe place. We know we’re all grieving in many different ways, it feels like being in good, kind and compassionate company at least. Please look after yourself and try to allow the ‘just like old times’ conversation to comfort you a little, I’m sure your friend will have known how much you loved and cared for him.
Sending love and hugs to you xx

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Dear @Stardust thank you so much for your lovely reply.
It was really good to read an opinion from someone who doesn’t know me.

We did share a unique bond for which I am grateful
I will always miss and love him

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