So young...33 years old..too soon. (TRIGGER WARNING!)

Losing a partner
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TRIGGER WARNING: I am writing here to release a lot of pain and therefore I have gone into a lot of detail, there are some who may not wish to read everything I will write about so…please don’t read if you are feeling particularly sensitive.

I lost my partner last Tuesday. Cancer.

We were together 3 years, friends for 7 years, both had other relationships in the beginning and then after splitting from our respective partners we realised how much we cared for each other and fell in love.

He took on and cared for both my children from my previous relationship. No experience with children and yet he did EVERYTHING from scratch. He was so determined to have me in his life that he took that steep learning curve and gave it all he had. He was…amazing. We loved each other SO MUCH.

We finally moved in together January 2023 and at the start of Feb 23 he collapsed at home with me. We got the diagnosis of oesophageal cancer three days later. He fought it so well that it disappeared completely, we were so confident that our lives could finally start. Then six months later it was back with a vengeance. He got sicker and sicker and went through some terrible times. We hoped all the way through. We really thought that if we gave it EVERYTHING we had, all the research, the belief, the good energy, the nutrition, the meditation, the exercise…and his youth…we could get through…but we didn’t. I was at his side when he died, as he wished me to be. But it wasn’t the peaceful relief that I was hoping for (his body was so broken by the end that I had resolved that I could let him go knowing he wouldn’t be hurting any more) I thought I’d feel him surround me the moment he was “set free”, but I didn’t. He was GONE. Just gone. I thought our love was so strong that nothing could stop us from remaining together, that I would still be able to feel him over any divide. But I don’t. And it’s making me question everything. Everything. Why don’t I feel him? We had such a beautiful love. Everybody said so. And by the way: that hurts MORE. Hearing from others how he had talked about me, what he had said, how happy and grateful he looked when we were together, how “perfect” we were for each other. People think it helps but it makes me feel WORSE. Because I lost something so rare -so they tell me - and amazing, that I just will never - and don’t want to - have with anyone else. I’m only 37. To spend the rest of my life alone…and yes, I know there’s a possibility I will meet someone but I DON’T WANT TO. I want him. I just want him. I HAD someone. I don’t want or need anyone else.

The other thing is…he really was “that person” that everyone loves…The things people say about him, the volume of people he touched and helped and mentored in such a short life…I know everyone talks well of the dead, but seriously…you should hear them talk. Why wasn’t it me!? Why didn’t I go instead?! I am not half as good as him. He brought SO MUCH to this world in such a short time - to so many people. He was so incredibly good. Supported me through the most difficult and traumatic parts of my life. Was a pillar of strength. When he collapsed in front of me at home, my genuine first thought was (because at that moment I thought he was already dead) “Why isn’t it me lying there?! How can this be him and not me?!” It should have been me. I know people will write and say “You have just as much value”…but this guy…you can’t imagine…it should have been me. I shouldn’t be here typing this. And I’m not saying anyone should worry about me, it would be an insult to what he went through to give up myself, but I feel we should have been in opposite spaces, he didn’t deserve what he got…not by any means.

Today, I went to the cremation. I have had…yeah…just a week to deal with it, I know it isn’t long by any means, but I thought I had at least “accepted it” (yeah, I know, ridiculous saying that after reading this…) but…the cremation messed me up in a way I didn’t know was still possible. We had the “viewing” last Saturday (common in the country I’m in, but I was not set up for it…he didn’t look like him at all, and it was awful, but we were following his mother’s wishes) and then the funeral this Tuesday, which yes, was awful…and now his mother messaged me yesterday to tell me there’s a cremation this morning and to be there for it. I went, knowing it would be a quick affair. But it was BRUTAL. I did not expect the depth of pain I would feel just knowing that the body he had spent his whole life growing, those gentle hands I had held and that had held me so tenderly, his face, his smile, his feet that I had massaged to help with the pain and swelling of the last months…the wonderfulness of his physical form, disappearing in front of me (of course, they closed the door to the furnace after the initial flames, but the whole thing just made me want to collapse.) My love, my love, my love. How is this happening!? How are you gone when you were supposed to be here with me so much longer…

I’m going so crazy that I have considered contacting mediums to try to talk to him. I just need to know he is here, and for what? What does it change? I guess I need to know that he is here because it means I can make sense of the world and that it’s not as messed up and awful as I feel it is now.

He would want me to go on, yes. But God, he should be here doing this, because he would have been so much better at it than me. He was so much more practical and level-headed. He knew how to lean on people and to warm into friendships. I’m trying, but I feel like I just want to be alone, though I’m trying to keep the lessons he taught me about the importance of community and being there for one another.

And to read people’s posts that this will go on for years and years…that I’ll wake up in 2 years, four years, ten years…twenty years…and still feel the same sometimes as I do right this second. He had so much potential. I can’t even dream about him. It doesn’t come. Why?! Why won’t he visit me? I dream about stupid things like my apartment and getting a cat and just mundane nonsense. I want to see him. Hear him.

This is everything I guess. This pain is like nothing I can imagine, and knowing that I will face it more than once, this has come so early in life and…gosh…gosh…I know I need to carry on. Find a use for myself in the years I have left…I know I have to give it time…and it won’t always feel this raw, at least not every day…But…for now this is how it feels.

Thank you to anyone that reads this incredibly long post. I know at least from reading from others that I am not alone in this pain. I am not comforted to know that you struggle, but to know that at least my feelings - wild and crazy and heartbreaking as they are - aren’t unique. We will all continue, I know, somehow…

Lots of love to you all. You’re incredibly powerful for getting through every second of this nightmare. <3

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Such powerful words and I am so sorry for your loss and what happened afterwards xx
I feel an affiliation with you as my husband also passed with Oesophageal cancer, he had 5 mths from diagnosis as chemo did not work for him, we are much older than you, my husband was 67 when he passed 18 mths ago, we were married 47 years and I miss him so much it hurts !
I would love to tell you it gets easier with time but up to now thats not the case for me and I don’t think it ever will.
I really hope for you thats not the case and that in time you will heal and enjoy life once again xxx

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Thank you so much for writing - what a terrible disease. And the fact that you only really know it’s there when it’s advanced. It really is just horrible. I am so sorry for your situation and our parallels, but I am so grateful you wrote to me.

I actually heard something today that has since helped me a little, so maybe it will help you too. It said: “What is grief, if not love persevering?” That made me feel good, because…it shows that not even death stops love, that’s why we feel the way we do, that’s how powerful love is, that even when the person we love disappears from our sight, love endures, nothing can stop it…that’s…phenomenal. I hope it also gave you a little comfort as it did for me. Thank you once again for writing. Lots of love to you. x x x

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Your right grief shows just how much love we had for our partners and that love will always be there, you take care of yourself and I’m glad you take comfort in that as I do too.
Just take one day at a time, I am 18 months along this grief journey we are on and I
still cry every day at some point, its a kind of release xxx

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I too couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel his love after my husband died. When my mother died I felt her. But my husband nothing. Just an empty void. I even questioned if I ever loved him. But I think the pain was so much that I wrapped all my feelings up to protect myself. Its now been 5 weeks and it feels like I am making some progress but still with a long long way to go. I find I cannot talk to him like I did with my mum so I have taken to writing him a letter every day. It makes me feel still connected. I think you will always miss what you had, and the years you lost but the fear and panic we feel will get better when we learn the we can carry on alone. You have had to deal with so much in such a short space of time its going to take time for it all to sink in. Give yourself that time. Don’t try and hurry it. You will survive and he will be with you always.

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What a terrible time you have had . This is the worst time of our lives losing the one you loved and lived for . I can say that it gets slightly easier when the shock calms down . The pain never goes away though . I am over 17 months and I am still struggling without him . Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself

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I am so sorry that you lost your partner. You are right, he was too young to die, he had so much left to do in life and to live that life with you. I am sorry for your lost future. Truly, it is heartbreaking to me. Tragedy. Horrific. Unfair.

It is obvious that your head is spinning in multiple directions at once. It is normal. Scattered brain is normal. You aren’t losing it. I am 6 weeks in and my head is still spinning and my advice is as follows: make a list of 5 things you must do each day, do them, and mark them off the list. It is a visual reminder that you are accomplishing the necessities of life.

Plan ahead only hour by hour. Do not think far in advance, it is too painful. The loss of your future, your dreams, is soul crushing. Think only of the hour.

Take a good long look at your favorite photo of him when he was healthy and happy and get that image stuck in your head so you can replace the horrible one you saw last. I have mine in my head and when that last image pops up, I switch images. I only allow good images into my head.

I have never heard of anyone attending a cremation. It sounds too horrific for words and I am so sorry you have that in your head. I wouldn’t be able to deal with that. Have Mercy.

No. You will absolutely not be in this kind of pain for the rest of your life. It will never fully go away, but it won’t be so gut wrenching. Your love for him will never die, but it won’t cause such pain anymore.

Step by step. We really have no choice but to suffer through our loss. You’ll make it. We all will.

When you aren’t so jacked up, you’ll see your sign.

Much love.

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Thank you so much for this. I woke up this morning and…I don’t know what it is…but I feel…happy? Not happy…maybe happy is too much, but…I don’t know if it is him with me again…but…something this morning is different…I hope it stays around for a bit…I know it’s going to go up and down…or maybe it’s just that yesterday was so terrible that anything is better than that. I just love him so much, and I think you’re right, you brain makes you hide from grief a little bit sometimes so it isn’t so utterly constant. Baby steps… :slight_smile: much love.

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“What is grief if not love persevering?” I’m going to repeat that to myself, as I know, like you say, the pain is unlikely to disappear. The painI have is proof that love wins, even over death. It doesn’t stop. Thank you so much for your words. Be kind to you too. :slight_smile: <3

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I feel for you. 11 wks on from my husband’s death from oesophageal cancer. A devastating disease, all the more cruel as it’s often only diagnosed when it’s too advanced. I think we are numb in these first few days and months. Like others have said, crying is a great release & I do it (deeply) several times a day. Take it moment by moment, one day at a time. X

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Thats exactly what we all have to do, take it one day at a time, get through each day as best we can, its either that or driving ourselves crazy xxx

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Im so sorry for your loss I wish I was thinking as clearly as you at that stage, it all went by in a blur for me, can’t remember half of it, your very brave, but remember to take care of yourself, I hope you have friends/family supporting you, as you need that support xxx

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I really liked this response - particularly the part about planning hour by hour…You’re right…I see now from what you have said i have been biting off too much when thinking about the future: sad fact, but my boy was American and I am British, I was stressed, nervous, uptight and scared of life when i met him as I’d had a really tough time. He had also had a tough time but blossomed and loved life and really LIVED for it. He taught me out to love, live, try, and to not be afraid. I thought of him honestly as the Jack Dawson to my Rose in Titanic, he literally WAS like that. And then because of this I’ve been repeatedly playing in my head that scene at the end of the movie where you see old Rose lying in her bed with pictures surrounding her of the life she lived after losing Jack, and doing all the things they said they were going to do together by herself, but thriving. And of course this set up this immense pressure of “Oh my god, how will i live the way he wanted me to live when I feel so broken? how will I rise above it and make him proud?” - but you’re right, I just have to get through the next hour. And the next…that is MUCH easier. Thank you. <3

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OMG read your post and so alike to my recent life experiences also finding future life impossible

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I’m sorry to hear it. This is the most difficult thing I have ever faced and…navigating through it without a map is really, really hard. You also wonder…“Why us?” I have this photo collage of my boyfriend’s life…They say cancer affects one in two these days…but he is the ONLY one I know out of all our friends who has suffered and succumbed to it…How did this happen? Much love to you.

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So so tragic this situation i lost my husband 15 months ago with the same illness unfortunately he only lived for 8 weeks as it was stage 4 and secondary when found but your guy was so so much younger my kev was 67 so had lived a longer life but still to young to die wed been together 40 beautiful happy years and i will say it does get easier just take it slow and so happy you feel he is with you i do believe kevs with me all the time…crazy i know but thats my belief :heart: all take care

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Thank you, Sunset. <3

Gosh, that is such a short turn around for you both to come to terms with things.

You know something that has helped me a little? Someone asked me the other day: “Are you proud of yourself for having gone through it with him? For still standing up even after the worst?” You know what, I hadn’t even thought about it…what other option was there? I had to go through it with him. I had to be with him when he died. I loved him. I still love him. But at the same time: yes, I realised I am proud. Because this is really hard, and still we keep trying, don’t we? We still go on and try our best. I hope you feel the same. <3

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You are doing a lot better than you think. Just the fact that you are sharing all your feelings is a big step to take. I lost my dear husband in March from Cancer, like so many others. I loved him so very much but I take comfort in knowing that he will never have to go through the pain that so many of us have to. Some say that grief is the price we pay for love which makes me think no wonder it is so painful because the love between us was so deep.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

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@Kalaila my heart really does go out to you. I lost my fiancée 14 months ago (he was 48). neither of us knew he was ill, he was admitted to hospital and two weeks later he was gone.

I remember thinking like you that I would feel like I did at the beginning for ever. Take one day at a time, at the beginning I took each block of two hours at a time and tried not to think outside of that. Do something you enjoy. You will feel better in time though it will be a long process, slowly you will have days where you have moments where it feels ok then it will hit you again. I had this today whilst getting a new iPhone. I burst into tears.

The rawness that you feel now will change, but for now be kind to yourself
Take care x

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