i lostmy wife at the begginng of August last year, it was a devastating loss we were together 30 years and married 27. Unfortunately at the same time I lost my wife I lost my friends and most of my step family. I feel as though I’ve done something wrong but I dont know what, we were very close and I tried as much as anyone could to care for her. All our friends have disappeared and most days there’s just me and our wee dog. I know I must have been guilty of the same thing with others thinking they were being cared for and being supported by others. I dont need another partner, what I need is some one or more than one to be there to talk about everyday things but it seems I’m destined to solitary confinement.
@David7 - my friend, it is tough, isn’t it - the daily struggle and the feeling that friends and family have moved on and expect us to, too. I have to reach out to people, make the plans, send the texts, do the calls - for if I didn’t, I would disappear. One thing is for certain - you are not alone. You have all your friends right here, who understand completely and will never let you down. So keep posting, keep going, one step, one day at a time. x
Hello, just thought I’d say hi, haven’t been on this site for quite a while, but just in tears again recently. I lost my husband just over 4 years ago, we were together 34 years. Have really been unable to move forward. Until recently I have stayed in the house, not wanting to go out, apart from to work. I started going to the gym a few weeks ago, just to try and push myself a little. Hope it will help
@David7 and @mecutipie I just wanted to support what @Vancouver has said and to let you know everyone here can relate to how you feel and that you are not alone. Still early days for me on my grieving journey but here I have found a wonderful group of people who will understand completely and just get it. All that you feel right now in your journey is completely valid, we are here to listen, and support. Keep posting xxx
Thankyou very much, it means so much just being able to speak with someone who understands
I can understand exactly how you are feeling. When I lost my husband over three years ago now I also lost his side of the family. I was cut off and like you I thought I must have done something wrong. even though we had all got on so well. I even wrote to his daughters and asked if I had done something then to tell me and I even apologised when I had no idea what the problem was. I wasn’t even informed when a close member of his family died. I also thought I had been put into solitary confinement but I am a member of an allotment and they were wonderful and always stopped for a chat and tried to include me in social events, which was hard the first year. I also have my dogs and was out walking every day but when someone asked me why I walked with my head down I decided to look up and to say good morning to at least three people every day. Now I walk with other dog walkers and have made new friends so I am not interested any longer in the family that forgot I existed
There are grief organisations/cafe’s in most area’s which I also joined but soon found that I ‘grew’ out of wanting to go to them but they was helpful in the beginning so have a look around your area.
Unfortuntely it is us that has to make the first move as people don’t know how to respond to grieving people. So a pleasant smile and and a wave soon makes people warm to us. I can now chat to anyone and have been thanked on more than one occasion for stopping to chat and listen. There are a lot of lonely people out there sadly.
I think we are just following the normal grievance stage, I lost my Steve 5 months ago, I go to work and back home lock my door and we only get out for work again, I am totally comfortable like that, he left his reading glasses on the table, they are still there, and his slippers, I haven’t got the energy to socialize without him, we were together 31 yrs
Hi Pattidot, Thats exactly how I feel just now, what have I done? tell me and I’ll say sorry. But I know that I tried to do mybest for Willma and we were very happy together for 30 years. However life goes on and I have to accept that some of the grandchildren who called me grandad from they could speak the word seem now to be lost to me. I will go on until its my time to and hopefully meet Willma again but in some ways it seems I was partly living a lie all those years.
@David7, feel your pain for family and friends not being their for you, as we all hope they would be, when as you say all we want is a chat. It especially makes me sad that your grandchildren are not with you as these are a great source of joy. As a widower and not a couple you have to work twice as hard to reach out to strangers. Which is a tough ask when you have been with a soulmate for most of your life. I have recently joined the WAY UP group and i know their are bereaved members in your area who meet regularly for coffee and chats. Hope this helps as you are far from alone .
It is so sad when we are forgotten for no fault of our own. I have now decided to cut out any of my husbands family even if they do ever make contact again. His daughters and his grandchildren have made no effort to make contact although I did tell them (by letter) that my door would always be open to them but this is now not an option. I cared for my husband at home single handed with no help or support from any of them so I don’t feel I have anything to be sorry for.
Don’t dwell on them too much but concentrate on making a life for yourself now. There are oportunities if you search for them. I did look into Way Up but decided it wasn’t for me as I have no interest in meeting up with people for coffee’s but perhaps that is because I have found enough in my life to keep me occupied and never drink coffee!!!. I also discovered after a while that I didn’t want to be continually involved with grief. I have my own grief that will never go but I didn’t want it consuming my life. However I can say that being in a grief group for a while was helpful when I was really struggling. But give it a go as friendships can be formed this way.
Good luck to you
So sorry you feel alone. I too have hardly any contact with my husband’s family. I occasionally have a card and present from my stepdaughter on my Birthday and Christmas. But she never asks how I am and never phones. I have joined a craft group and made some friends there. I think joining a bereavement group is good. It helped me. But I do feel lonely. My husband died 4 years ago. He was my best friend. This site is good to talk to people who know how we are feeling. Not heard anything from my husband’s brothers or their wives and friends that are married still seem to disappear. It such a hard life without our other half. Please look after yourself!
I’m the same Ann. It’s been two years almost and my step daughter said you will always be family. In the early days I te ted every month and got short responses but she has texted perhaps twice once to wish me happy birthday. My husbands family have never contacted me. I do understand she lost her dad but her family unit didn’t change She had that constant and family support. Every aspect of my life changed and I realise I was never family I just happened to have been married to her dad. The most important person in my life and always will be. Sending hugs x
You couldn’t have worded it better and I now know that I was never family I just happened to have been there with my husband. I am featured a lot of photographs with the family group but know they are meaningless now as I have had no contact with any of them since losing my husband. Letters and telephone calls all with no reply. Although I did distribute items belonging to my husband among them and offered other things I haven’t received one word of thanks. Now I wish I hadn’t bothered. I also wish I had organised a small private cremation for family and friends that did care. I might as well have done something to really upset them.
I feel like you have not had any contact from my husbands family even though i was good enough at the time when i was looking after my husband his mum would say his so lucky to have you also she would say with you looking after him i do not have to worry about him she could not have been that worried as she never came to see him even though she knew he had cancer which made me so angry i know he had me but the point is why would a mother not want to see her ill son she also did nothing to help me arrange his funeral but keep phoning me and telling me what to do
When my husband died we had been married nearly 52 years, but not one member of his family sent me a Christmas card ì . It’s as if I no longer exist or are even part of the family any more.
One of them did phone me to say they wouldnt be sending me a card any more as they couldnt afford the postage, but then told me how much they were looking forward to spending Christmas in Canada.
I found it very upsetting . Christmas is hard enough without our loved ones.
You are so right Teddybear that married friends seem to drift away. If I didnt contact them , we would lose touch.
Do not understand why my husband family are pushing me away i did everything i could for my husband
@Pattidot , you are so right when you say " it is us that has to make the first move".
We cannot control the way other people think or how they act - we can only control ourselves.
Our grief, I think, makes other people feel vulnerable and helpless.
It makes them uncomfortable and, unlike us bereaved folk, they get to choose not to have those feelings, by walking away.
I feel, it’s not about punishing us, but rather, protecting themselves.
Paula Stephens (an American author, speaker on things grief related) says:
“For them to stand with your pain, they must touch a place in themselves they don’t want to go to”.
I think that’s why this forum is so helpful to people - most, if not all, of us folk on here are already in that “place”!
I also think that bereavement does shine a spotlight on our relationships with other people and sometimes, if we’re able to step back and look at things objectively, we come to realise that we’re not really as close and connected to some folk as we’d believed ourselves to be. That’s nobody’s fault - it’s just life.
So very true. I have learned so very much about grief since losing my own husband and wonder if I was any different towards grieving people myself. Thinking back I am quite shocked at my lack of empathy and did wonder why a neighbour was still crying in public when her husband had been dead for a month. That is how much I lacked any idea of the pain caused by loss.
I honestly never dreamt that his family would cut me out out of their lives. You live and learn. Now i have learn to value the people that are now my friends and family that helped me in those early days.
We need someone with us to say good morning and good night to. We needsomeone here to tell them the usual trivial things. Kind people say to us, you are not alone but people like us are alone and it hurts dreadfully I dread weekends more for some reason, maybe it’s thinking about family get togethers.