Sometimes I don’t want to be here anymore

I’m 25 and lost my mum in July to pancreatic cancer. She passed at home 6 weeks after we were told the CT scan showed nodules on the pancreas that spread to the liver.

Sometimes I’m numb, sometimes I’m in physical pain, sometimes if I stare too long at her picture, I feel like dying as well.*

How can I live the rest of my life without her?
My soulmate and best friend.
My safety net and greatest defender.

Why is life so cruel ?
What have I done to deserve this heart ache ?

*I am not suicidal but indifferent to living if that makes sense.


@CharlotteG grief is so hard, I get what you’re saying, I want to be with my husband every minute of every day, but reality kicks in and I know that’s not possible.
Just take each day, even each minute of each hour of every day, that’s what is helping me, although it’s still so hard, been 10 weeks for me.


Thank you for your reply and I’m sorry for your loss, it’s so tough :broken_heart::pray:t3:

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I completely resonate with you. I don’t want to be here anymore but I’m not suicidal.

I lost my mum 6 months ago and the sadness is so overwhelming at times. The constant pain is unrelenting and hard to put into words.

I don’t know who I am anymore and I feel scared to be without my mum.

I know she is still with me in another form though but it still doesn’t take the pain away x


Hi @CharlotteG I feel your pain and I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your grief. My Mum died nearly 8 months ago, also from pancreatic cancer that we didn’t know she had. Her death was a very sudden and unexpected shock. You are still very much in the early days of adapting to the loss of your Mum. Be kind to yourself and give it time. This is all the more of a poignant loss as you are a relatively young age to be suffering. I hope you have some support around you, keep talking about how you feel. It’s brutal so expect that grief will be with you in some form forever. I try to think about what my Mum would want. That has helped me get through the days but it’s been hard and I have lacked motivation and a sense of joy. All we can do is keep trying to honour our lovely Mums because they always want the best for their children. Sending you lots of consoling hugs, take care xx


This is the first post I read after registering myself after losing my mum in July too to cancer. It’s such a brutal, relentless illness. I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age. I don’t think it will ever get easier but I’m hopeful that we can learn to live a different life as time moves on. I know my mum would want me to life my life to the fullest as that’s how she lived hers despite the cancer. We are all on borrowed time and this experience has made me better understand the fragility of life. Please look after yourself and put yourself first. I’m sure your mum would want you to do that. Sending love xx


Hi Charlotte, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your mum and that you are having to go through this at such a young age.

I think you have summed up perfectly how most of us are feeling, I would also love to not be here and be with my mum, but I’m not suicidal either, like you.

You are still in the early stages of grief and, no doubt, still in shock and trying to process what’s happened. I lost my mum in March, also to a very late pancreatic cancer diagnosis, and I am able to function a bit better now as the shock has slightly subsided. I still miss my mum every single hour of the day and am frequently overwhelmed by grief, but I have to say it has become a little easier, which I never thought I’d say.

This site is a great place to connect with others who truly understand how you’re feeling, it has brought me much comfort and, hopefully, it can do the same for you.

Please know you are not alone , sending you love xx


Thank you for the love everyone and taking the time to reply.

I am hopeful that in time, I’ll be able to feel more myself and learn to cope with the anger, shock, frustration and pain of it all.

Sending everyone hugs :hugs: