I came home from work 3 weeks ago to find that my beautiful 20 year old son had died in his sleep hours earlier. We won’t know why for another 3 months but we have his funeral in 2 weeks time.
I am heartbroken and am really struggling I blame myself for not being there, for not listening when he said he was ill the week before . He was my world , my best friend, my youngest son.
I don’t see a way out of this grief. I know its early days but can anyone tell me how you get through this.
My life as I knew it ended that day. I should of been organising his 21st not his funeral. He had just started to live and enjoy life.
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Oh Helenp,
I’m so so sorry to hear about your son, you must be devastated, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better, but I can’t, I can only imagine what you must be feeling, hopefully there will other people on this site, who have been in the same position as you
, who will be able to give some helpful advice, sending you love and hugs Jude xx
Thank you Jude x
Helen,
I’m so sad for you …this is the worst…absolute worst thing to happen to any parent. I also found my son had died in his sleep when I called round to pick him up on March 20th…early morning.
We had his funeral on 22nd April but still do not have the results from tests that were taken.
It has been a heartbreaking time and I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing him . He was 38, lived 5 minutes away from me …not married or in a relationship but very happy with life, his home and his beloved dog Ash. He was my youngest son and my best friend.
There are several other ladies and gentlemen that help each other chatting on 2 other main threads on this site. “Loss of our son aged 27” and “I lost my son 5 weeks ago”.
Everyone is so lovely and all understand as we are all suffering in the same way. I’ve been finding it a massive help and comfort to talk or sometimes just read what others have to say.
I hope in time you’ll feel it helps you but we still have a long road ahead of us I fear.
Love and hugs…Sue xxx
Hi Sue
I’m so sorry to read of your loss of your son. You more than anyone will understand the overwhelming sense of grief , the nightmares that replay through your mind. I can not get past the walking into his room. I’ve watched him come home on the camera and there is no evidence that anything is wrong. He had been to work and then the gym , he worked lates so it was midnight. Like alot of parents you wait for them to come in before dropping off to sleep. Next day I go off to work ,come home and his cars still here…
It’s the awful ,long wait now to find out why. I’ve googled causes etc ,I’m convinced it’s my fault, he was in my care, I let him down. He was such a beautiful, caring soul So loved. I miss him !!
I hope we both get some answers soon.
Take care Helen xx
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Hi SueDav,
You Were kind enough to message me after I posted on here about my sons sudden death. You said you were still awaiting the results of his tests. I just wondered if you had heard. I’m trying to work out how much longer I’ve got to sit through this hell of not knowing.
We had Tom’s funeral on Friday ,it was packed. To see so many youngsters at a funeral was awful. They should all be getting on with life as should Tom. I’m at a loss to know what to do with myself .
Sorry if this has upset you
Helen x
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Hi Helen. Sorry for your loss. When my son died. The police told me they have a 6 month limit to present all the facts to the coroner. My son crashed his car but we didn’t find out until the inquest all the factors. One of the main ones was the toxicology report which came back negative. There were quite a few contributing factors surrounding my son’s death. But all I was told was. Everything will come out in the inquest. You are allowed to contact the coroner’s office an ask for a copy of all the evidence , hope this helps. Jim
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Hi Helen,
I did hear back from the coroner last thursday…almost 10 weeks after Andrew died. Sooner than I expected as they had said it would be about 15 weeks.
Andrew used to have a bad addiction to cocaine but went into Rehab for a month four years ago and came out happy and free of all addictions. He stopped drinking, smoking and really had the chance to enjoy life as it should be enjoyed.
Unfortunately over the past few months he’d had a few “lapses”. As far as he was concerned he still had everything under control although as we know addiction controls you, not the other way round.
So on the Friday before he died he had taken cocaine…not an excessive amount according to the results but what complicated matters was the strong painkiller he’d also taken. It was a prescription drug which was prescribed to a friend of his…not to him. I googled it and it said if taken it " gives a feeling of relaxation and well being".
Speaking to another of his friends he said Andrew would probably have taken it to help him sleep as we were due to go out detecting the next day and he wanted to be fresh…not tired.
The thing is the tablets he took can slow your breathing down and in some cases slow it so much that you just stop breathing. This is what they say happened to Andrew.
The coroner for Norfolk seems such a nice, caring person…he had time to listen to me and explained everything well. He said they could be almost ( never 100%) certain that Andrew just stopped breathing in his sleep and knew nothing about it.
It’s a hard thing to come to terms with…he died for such a stupid reason. It needn’t have happened and it was a silly mistake on his part to think he was invincible. The worst thing is that he was SO happy with his life at the moment so he had no need to take these tablets. If he’d been too tired to go out that morning it wouldn’t have been the end of the world…but THIS IS!!!
I hope you coped ok with Tom’s funeral last week. It’s so unreal isn’t it? I know what you mean about all the young people there…there were so many at Andrew’s, he would have so loved to have been there to see them all. There were 40 vans ( Andrew was a gas heating engineer) with flags of Andrew and Ash, playing his music and all wearing his trademark Ray Bans…all following behind the hearse. He was loved by so many and we miss him so,so much.
Even now after 10 weeks I have odd moments of reprieve from the awful grief but it doesn’t last long. Still…it’s a start.
He wouldn’t want me to sit crying for the rest of my life and I’m determined that I won’t.
Anyway…you only asked a simple question…sorry you’ve had such a complicated reply!
All I can say is …keep posting on this site, keep reading all the posts from others ( especially Jim, he’s amazing!) and it will help you. Everyone on here is going through the same thing…in different ways, at different stages of their grief but we all help each other in whatever small way we can.
Alot of us post on “Loss of our son aged 27” and also “I lost my son 5 weeks ago”.
You’ll find so many lovely people there to help and listen to you.
Lots of love and caring hugs…Sue xxxx
Oh I forgot to say the coroner told me there will be an inquest which won’t be until October.
Love Sue xxxx
Hi Jim,
Thank you for replying , we have nothing from the Coroner since the first week. We are in no man’s land. The only thing Tom had done differently was have a covid booster jab a couple of days before. He woke up with the usual symptoms but went to work as he did the next day and the gym. He would never do any thing that might harm him. He didn’t even like taking paracetamol.
It’s all so unbearable. The wait won’t make the pain go away but it may give me a reason.
Regards
Helen
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Hi Sue
Thank you for replying so quickly. I am now on week 6 so hopefully il hear something in the next month.
The loss of a child has to be the most painful thing in the world.
Your son had fought so much, to have lost his life after all that he had been through is truly horrific, I am so sorry.
The only thing my Tom had which was different to normal was his covid booster jab. He complained the following day that he felt unwell but I just said what they tell you, take paracetamol and water. He went to work that day and the next and the gym, his friends were still online with him until 4am which was also normal. He laid down to sleep.and died.
So many what ifs and wishes. The guilt is eating me up . I should of done more. This is so raw. Just waiting
… …
I’m sorry if this is making you feel bad
Regards Helen
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No Helen…it honestly doesn’t make me feel bad for myself. I do feel bad for you as you have all these unanswered questions. I lived for many years, before Andrew’s rehab, with the fear of him dying young. Although I had hoped those fears would be unfounded, as he was living a different life since then, I suppose the shock wasn’t as great for me as it will have been for you. It’s still the most horrific and the worst thing that could ever happen to a parent and you just wonder how you can ever learn to live without your child.
Even though Andrew was 38 and didn’t live with me we were very close and saw each other most days. The really testing time will be if I ever go detecting again…can I do that again without him?? So far I’ve been avoiding anything I strongly associate with him and I’m getting through the days.
It’s so tough but you mustn’t keep blaming yourself…none of us should. We all go through the “what ifs” and “if onlies” but we can’t change what has happened. My ex husband was desperate to know why Andrew had died but I wasn’t so bothered…after all it wouldn’t bring him back, would it?
Keep in touch Helen…everyone on here is thinking of you.
Love and hugs…Sue xxxx
My heart is breaking for you and I understand so well exactly how you’re feeling. I lost my only child my Son a year ago .
My Son died suddenly without any warning his heart just stopped, he was alone in his flat and wasn’t found for 3 days as no one including me thought anything was wrong . I had spoken to him only a few days before on my birthday and never thought for a second this would be the last time I spoke with my Son . A year on and still I’m grieving I feel as if I’m in a private hell that I will never be released from. I send messages to my Son on Facebook as if he was still alive , I force myself to think I just haven’t seen him in a while , it helps in a way , I just can’t find the strength to accept that He has gone . I wish I could tell you that the pain of losing your Child will ease , I don’t believe the sorrow of losing your child will suddenly disappear but slowly you will be able to cope and to live a life without your child . Keep all your precious memories of Him alive.
please keep posting on this site many people on here can help you and understand your pain . I’m sorry I can only say you are not alone in your grief and sharing your sorrow may help you I wish you love and understanding and my heartfelt sorrow at your loss
AnneMarie
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Thank you for your message. It’s so heartbreaking to lose your child.
I cannot imagine how awful it was for you, I am so sorry.
There are lots of I wishes and what ifs. I still have no answers as to why and its driving me mad.
I feel so much guilt that I didn’t know that he had died, probably before I went to work or that I couldn’t save him. I miss him so very much.
I also leave a message on his Facebook every evening. I find myself trawling through his photos and trying to find images of him on other sites. He was always at work, gym or home . It hurts so much.
I’m only 7 weeks in and at the moment I can’t see a way through it.
I really appreciate you contacting me.
Helen
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Hi Helen
Please message me if your feeling Low
Sometimes telling a stranger how you feel can be easier than speaking to those closest to you, I find my closest family avoid speaking about my Son and I’m sure it’s because they don’t want to upset me
So if you feel the need to just vent then come on to the site and do that
It can be cathartic to unload
Stay strong
AnneMarie
Hi Anne Marie,
Thank you for your support. It’s the waiting and not knowing as to why this has happened that is now getting to me as well as the loss.
I re run all our conversations and look at our texts to see if there are any clues. The only thing he had different was his covid booster. It is 7 weeks in and we still have nothing. He was such a kind, loving and gentle person. Never any trouble. He would spend every other month with me or his dad. We used to joke and say he could do what he wanted but he wanted to be fair.
We protected him alot but he still died in his bed at his home here. I was at work , a I feel I let him down and he should of told me if he was ill. I am lost without him .
Helen
Hello dear, Back in 2016 in October, we celebrated our son’s birthday on the 5th. Just 26 years old. He’d been autistic but in the normal range. On the 10th he came down for lunch and his left eye was double its size and his right was shut tight, he couldn’t open it and complained of a headache. Hubby took him to A&E that day. From there, he called me saying they were being transferred to another specialist hospital. The nightmare began. I’d to stay home due to daughter and cat who needed looked after.
One doctor’s appointment during that time which made no sense in diagnostic. Managed to come back home between Christmas and Hogmanay. But on the 30th the operation to insert tube to drain, failed and he fainted. That was the last time I saw my SonShine alive but very frail. We carried on as best we could but something inside me was alerting that something was not right.
The week where all happened, the washing machine broke down. Water everywhere! We had to go pickup a new one, it was crazy! That was on Thursday. Friday night, after hubby had spent the afternoon with him, we received an urgent phone call from Hospital. He’d slip in a coma and had collapsed earlier after trying to go to the bathroom. Hubby rushed to hospital and spent the last hours with him as by morning, our SonShine was gone.
It broke us down! Dying from a rare cancer was incomprehensible.
Then, life was never the same. Heartbroken, while still recovering his lost, the worst happened. 5 years, 3 months and 9 days… Unexpectedly and suddenly, hubby died as well from major heart attack. It maybe just over a month ago, but inside daughter and I have broken the pieces that were already broken.
Life’s day-to-day is a complete mess. Son’s funeral was attended by all his friends from school and neighbours from our old place. Hubby’s funeral was much smaller and it broke out hearts as hubby was a such a beautiful soul. Family’s been estranged for years and with the Pandemic years there wasn’t much socialising. So pretty much we’re unknown in our new place. I’m heartbroken even more so than I was before and I hadn’t managed well before. I’ve had so much negativity and lies, I don’t know if I’ll ever be myself ever again! At the end of the day, the hardest part in all of this is never having been able to say goodbye and being unable to find a way to magically fix all this mess! So unfair! All my sympathy to you dear.
Dear Helen
If ever you need to talk about your Son
Please contact me or come on this site for support . I know too well your pain and just wish I could help ease it for you , but sadly we are all suffering the devastation of losing the child we gave birth to.
I really don’t believe there is anything that could hurt us more , whatever else life throws at us can never be as painful as the loss of our child . This in a way has helped me get through the days since my son died , keep strong Helen your Son would not want you to suffer and be in pain ,your love for his memory will keep you going through the darkest days.
My thoughts are with you
AnneMarie
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So sorry to hear this devastating news.
I’m really sorry I can’t really offer any words of wisdom other than take each day 1 at a time, but sending hugs 