Five years ago today we said goodbye to our beloved son who took his own life.
We knew it was going to happen but could do NOTHING to prevent it. We tried so, so hard to keep him but this life just wasn’t for him.
I keep everything locked in a box and each day, week, month, year it gets fuller and fuller.
How do I go about releasing the pressure that’s building inside?
I miss him so much it’s painful.
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I know your pain. It is a year for me. My son was a beautiful soul. He was happy, successful, but he changed suddenly, anxiety, insomnia controlled his life. I forever feel guilty that I didn’t do more. I miss him everyday. I don’t understand how he changed from a happy well adjusted young man to suicide. I pray everyday that I will see him again.
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Our boy was the same. Happy successful and very popular with all who met him. It was a mask that he wore and no one but us knew that 
Five years on and I can honestly say that it does not get any better. They same time is a healer but it’s a sore that will never heal.
What goes on in young lads minds that make them feel isolated and alone and unable to express how they feel.
We always believed that we encouraged open and honesty and showed unbiased love.
We cannot allow guilt to manifest itself in our hearts. I truly believe that. You cannot allow guilt to define who you are.
Our son did not want to be here and as much as that breaks my heart and that of family and friends I have to try and find a way to respect that.
We encouraged him to write down his thoughts and feelings as he did not want medical intervention. We since found these journals and some day hope to use them in a positive way.
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I am so sorry. My son Bobby took his life seven weeks ago. He was clever, very musical and good at fixing things. He struggled with his mental health, bi polar and autism. I loved him so much and cry all the time.
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I lost my son out of the blue, no warning, age 24, almost 10 years ago. His birthday today. Will never forget him but he is in the past, I have to live for the now and for the people around me; I talk about him (and to him) sometimes, fondly; but I have to look around and live as best as I can to help my friends help me. Pain will never go I expect; but it doesn’t mean I cant enjoy life and help others help me.
Its not easy, but its the best “non advice” I can give. God bless.
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Hi Iain
Yes, it is hard. Some days harder than others. I find reading as much as I can on suiside and grief helps. I noticed that you say God bless. As a Christian I don’t know why God allowed my son to take his life but I know he is a good God even when I don’t understand. I have to look to the future too. I’ll always love my son and miss him. He was part of my life for 38 years but as a senior now I have to try and live for those around me still here as best I can. I am sorry for your loss too. God bless.
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People will often say that what’s in the past can’t be changed and that you have to move on with life. What I say is, grief is by my side each day and sometimes it falls behind a bit when I’m feeling positive and sometimes it takes over when I’m less so.
I do get that what’s in the past cannot be changed but moving on will never happen for me. I often sit and reflect and I honestly still cannot believe that our son is gone.
No one ever knows the pain that I feel. When asked how I am I always reply ‘good’
We encouraged our lad to write his thoughts and feelings down as he couldn’t talk about how he truly felt. Does he get that from me? Who knows and it’s something that will never be answered. What I do know is that by writing this now helps me and by reading other people’s stories also helps too as I know that there’s other people out there having experienced the same thing.
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My son has been gone just over a year. I still can’t believe it. He was so happy before and suddenly he changed. I know he did not want to leave like he did, but anxiety & insomnia took its toll on him. How I wish I could turn back the clock and be there for him. I miss him so much and am glad I am 72 years old because I don’t really want to be here anymore, but I will stick around for my daughter & husband. My son was my best friend, we even worked together. He lived on his own and had many friends, visiting us every weekend. He needed to be in the hospital, he needed mental health help. I live in Canada and good luck with any mental help. Emergency wait times are sometimes days. When I was young we had no problem getting help in the hospital for medical or mental help. That has all changed especially recently.
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I am so sorry for your loss . My son took his life eight weeks ago. I didn’t think I’d manage but the heart and mind has the ability to recover a bit
Take care of you
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Today has been a bit weird. My favourite
Uncle is receiving palliative care for asbestosis. My beautiful sister in law has been having a cancerous lump removed from her breast and my brother in law is nearing end of life for an horrendous cancer. Him and my sister have just finished planning his funeral. It’s like I’m sitting in a vortex. The world keeps spinning whilst all around chaos and heartbreak is happening.
When a loved one completes suicide one can only imagine (or not) what goes through their minds and I have learned to respect the decision that our son took.
What I’m struggling with today is that other loved ones in the family are going through tough times and they have no choice in this.
Does this make me a bad person for thinking like this? Who knows. Today is not a good day. Tomorrow will be better!
That’s a thoughtful question but , and this is only my opinion, when someone completes suicide the pain and devastation it leaves is just horrendous. We can’t blame our loved ones so we turn it on ourselves. It’s like a grenade has gone off. No chance to say goodbye only what ifs. “What if I’d done this? Said that? Cancer is just awful but we can shake our fist at it. My sons pain is over, mine began that day
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It is over a year now & somedays are worst than others. I don’t feel like it will ever get any better. I am hearing about so many young people suicide. It is very troublesome. I had a wonderful home, 2 perfect children, a girl & a boy, a loving husband & father how could this all change so quickly. Now, my husband has lung cancer. My daughter is wonderful and very supportive, but she has her own life and is coping with lots of support. Thank goodness. She loved her brother very much. We are all just coping as best we can. I pray I will see my son one day.
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What’s happening that young men can’t or don’t feel able to discuss what’s going on? It feels like there are too many taking the suicidal route, why? Why? Why? Unfortunately this will never be an answer that will be given. My older son often feels that his brother is near him and has asked that question. He’s given no explanation other than Calum saying he is happy. I take some comfort from that but it’s still very difficult to accept and I’ve said before I’ll never accept what’s happening. Our oldest gets married next year and his brother won’t be by his side as his best man. It breaks our hearts. If only he could have asked for help….
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Its been 6 months since my husbands death. I just don’t understand it, I miss him so much. I wish so badly he had said something. I can’t bear the thought of the rest of my life without him.
I feel so much for anyone in this situation. I’ve found a SOBS support group has been helpful.
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I agree men are less likely to ask for help. It is definitely sterotyping. I think they think of it as a sign of weakness.
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