Speaking truth and not being afraid to do so

Yesterday, 8th September was a really bad day for me. I have had a melt down in a manner of speaking. I ranted on face book “I hate my cancer” and I have had good reason to at the moment. I have had trouble breathing thanks to the drug and also being anxious which is true. I have been and have felt nauseous too as well. Plus a dry mouth, dry skin and other feelings too. Paul has been so patient with me trying to understand what is happening. He is my rock and I adore him for it. I would have lost the fight long ago if it were not for him.

So much so, I have had to ring the Breast Care Nurses to seek their help and advice. I was so upset at the time, and the nurse guessed I was troubled by everything. I have coped with a lot of things since being diagnosed but never thought I would have to cope with what Everolimus has given me. Even with the reduced amount, I am still not coping well. The nurse felt I was suffering from anxiety and said she would send me some information that should help me. Also because all this is causing me to loose weight that I should get myself back on Ensure to help build up my body as I am putting it at risk although the nausea and general feeling is not helping me with my food.

I am not one to rant and rave or even moan and groan. But yesterday things have just gotten on top of me and I hate myself for it. But today I thought I would tell things like it is for once. Just shows I am human after all. I have my faults like everyone else.

Spent a fair bit of time outside today just trying to get in the air and walk a short way which is good for me in any event. Helped me calm down with my breathing and feeling a little normal again.

I even had a call out to my Sue Ryder nurse for her help and to perhaps have counselling again to cope with all that is going on in my head. I think I have to admit that I need help or to talk to someone who is outside the circle. Its hard to admit to yourself you need help and cope with things that are outside the norm and unusual and difficult to understand.

Having cancer sucks and there is a lot that goes with it that wears you out if you are not careful. Here’s hoping I sleep better tonight.

Today is better than I was yesterday. What I wanted to say here is to not be afraid to speak the truth and say how things are. You will be surprised just how many people out there are feeling like you or as I was yesterday and hopefully I can give them hope, if that makes sense.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, or say a prayer. I could do with any help at this time.

Hi Cookie17,

Thanks so much for sharing this very honest and real account of your experiences - I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who can relate.

I’m so sorry to hear you had such a bad day yesterday. I think that sometimes having a rant can be a really good thing - it’s not always good to keep everything bottled up.

One of the good things about this site is that it gives people a place to vent their feelings honestly and anonymously - and sometime to say things that they don’t feel able to say to friends and family.

Well done for finding the strength to speak to your Sue Ryder nurse and ask for help - I hope you get the support you need.

Keep posting!

Hi Cookie17
You are absolutely right cancer does suck, I am sorry you are filled with worry at the unknown effects and I feel that at times it is all consuming for you. Sometimes it is very good to take a step back and think to yourself “what advice would I give to a dear friend” and then take that advice.The professionals are there to help you and don’t worry about them being busy, that is are job. You need to get sound, correct advice, digest that information and then make an informed decision of what you want to do.It needs to be right for you and your family.We all need help sometimes and you should never feel bad about not coping, we are all human, but this is what makes us unique, it is great to know that Paul is your rock we all need one of those. I believe you would be the first to help anyone around you. All this worry will have an effect on your sleep, I sometimes use a little aromatherapy oil on my pillow to help me drift off to sleep. Lavender essential oil a few drops is very good coupled with a relaxation tape works really well to, it allows time just for you. I hope this has helped and keep talking it’s good therapy!

Thank you Lidia for your message and its contents which I am most grateful to read. They have helped me greatly. I have really been struggling with this chemo called Everolimus and now having an infection in my big toe would you believe and having to take antibiotics for that, believed to be caused by the chemo because I got some really nasty dry skin around there where it got to be quite painful and now it is quite swollen. Only could happen to me.

Today I thought I was fine although feeling a little nausea, nothing unusual there these days but as I sat on our sofa to help it subside before I had a shower I had the urge to be sick and I ended up violently sick. Not a pretty site. Don’t know where that came from and even our cats looked concerned at me a to what was happening to their Mum!

I have never in all the years since I was diagnosed and with the medication I have been on and it has been varied due to my cancer (as I have primary breast cancer with secondary cancers of the spine and liver) had such ill effects because of the drugs I was on. This has been a real learning curve of how many men, women and children go through when being treated for their cancer and wonder why they are sicker when taking what they believe to be something to help make them better.

I hope this helps anyone reading this that there are other cancer patients out there dealing with what their chemo is throwing at them. I pray that I will get my old self back even though she wasn’t brilliant, I managed to survive what was thrown at me, this time has been a whole new ball game! End of sermon.

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