Spiraling out of control beyond belief

i lost my grandma in dec 2020 unexpected, No one know she had a brain clot and she had a fall and big stroke she died early hours the following morning, her husband my grandad had fallen in the previous weeks and was being cared for in the hospital also hed been fighting cancer for over 4 years, he hadnt seen her for 5 weeks and then had to learn she had passed, he was devested 60 years of marriage to his one and only just poof gone. He gave up and just 4 months later he gave up fighting he just wanted his one true love and he grew his wings april 2021. after all the heartbreak and organising for them both to be cremated and scattered together and entwinded for life…
My mum developed a cough, i cared for my mum for a little over 4 years has her mobility diterieted as well as her multiple illnesses that woman i called my mum was a heroine although she was fighting all these illnesses COPD, PAH, C.R.E.S.T, Arthuritis just a few to name she still did anything and everything for anybody who needed help well in the ways she could with her physical state bless that huge heart of hers. But moving on i pestered the GPs i rang the 111 services and due to COVID19 face to face apps were very few and far between so she kept being fobbed off with antibiotics … this was going on for months at this point she was just getting worse and worse until one day i had enough and took it upon myself to ring 999, she was yellow, sleepy, not eating her breathing very worrying. they took her in to hospital immediatly on the 24th nov 2021, her oxygens were 25%, her heart slowing… she was put on IVs a invasive face mask 24/7 baring having a break to eat although that was the last thing she could muster up energy for… a couple of days past the junior doctor said she had a chest infection and was put on stronger antibiotics but there were improvement which i thought wow mum go u girl ( how we use to banter, that was our thing) she was allowed one visit per day by one person only so naturally i let my dad do this and i just rang/ video called when he was there as she wasnt able to use her phone with being so restricted with wire, masks,tubes etc …end of visiting came on the 28th nov 2021 at 2pm afternoon spirits were high she winked as my dad left relaying what always got said a quote of rod stewerts have i told you lately that i love you. And with that he came away happy and looking forward to the next visit/ possibilty to bring her back home where she belonged!!! 21.35pm that phone call came in,…
sorry to inform you of this but pam as passed away… WHAT? HOW?

putting on our coats n shoes we jumped in the car and race to the hospital, the doctor said she was doing good that visit just hours before. turns out what that doctor knew was naff all basically…

turned out she was NOT responding to treatment, that chest infection was actually servre pneumonia, she had also contracted sepsis which they didnt pick up on either… her heart had so much strain and just dipped to 24pm a student nurse saw this and waitied to to speak to another to ask if that was normal? sorry but why wasnt that machine beeping !! alerting!! because that WASN’T normal, and that was it my beautiful,strong,caring,partner in crime, my right arm and best friend…GONE!!
Just like that!

Almost 3 month later 2 attempted suicides im still here hurting just as hard as the day she grew her wings. My dad pushing me away i get hes grieving too and yes me and mum were close and maybe he regrets now chosing work and his sons over us and not making more time for us, hes pushed me out completely as well as his grandaughter but his sons and their families are priority so i also feel i lost my dad the dad mum grew her wings. i have no support blanked, just me and my daughter against it i feel my mental health is gone like its beyond the speaking stages now is life or death now for real! ive thought about giving my ex husband full custody of our daughter as i know shed be looked after and id not have to worry. And planned how id do it. I want to go home back with my mother!!!

I cant see no light at the end of this tunnel … just a brick wall in the darkness.


Dear @KirstyMaria90

Welcome to the Community. I am sorry to hear of your loss. You have been through a very difficult challenging time.

Have you got extended family, friends or neighbours that can support you? Everything has got on top of you and it would be good for you to book an appointment with your GP. They could refer you for Counselling or suggest local support groups in your area

There is light at the end of the tunnel and you are not alone. The Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk on 116 123 for free.

There are other organisations that you can contact. Please email online.community@sueryder.org for further information.

Please do not feel you are alone and continue to reach out here. Take care.


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Ive reached out to my local mental health, waiting for an appointment. I have a partner but he just doesnt understand he thinks i should be over it by now. And i have a best friend but shes also going through a tough time were trying to support eachother but as youll understand its hard on both points so we mainly cry together and drink than really talk. We both are a stranged from our familys. Mine all picked at me and pulled me down as i was caring for my mum and getting carers allowance plus a car on the mobility scheme to drive her to daily appointments local and far. They had and still have a hard time getting over that but i gave them all multiple chances to take over and theyd recieve them but obviously they didnt want that responsibility of actually caring for her. Plus mum chose me as we were so close and i wasnt working after having my child so it made sense. They are toxic and basically i know it sounds pathetic and childish and thats because it is but they spoke so much rubbish my vunerable father has sided with them so no i dont have family my dad and brother were the only people i had left. But i dont have any of them now. And i guess i need to accept this and leave them in my past. But its so hard to go on without my world (mum) xxx

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