Next month will be 12 months since my husband died. It seems like yesterday.
I still cry most days but not all day as I did on the early days.
In the last year I have gone back to work and managed and lead a team through difficult work changes.
I have celebrated birthdays, exam results and proms with the family.
I have been on numerous weekend breaks and 3 holidays abroad and will be going on a 4th very soon.
On the outside it looks like I’ve moved on but I haven’t. I feel sad everyday. Even though I smile and laugh it’s all fake and done for the benefit of others.
I’ve just looked at the stages of grief to try and work out where I am and I’ve come to the conclusion I’m between depression and denial.
I never thought I was in denial but to look back on the last year and reflect it’s obvious.
This new life is not good even if looking from the outside in it appears good.
Will I be stuck in this stage forever or will I look back in another year and come to another conclusion?
Sadly I have no answer for you so I don’t know how helpful it is to reply
I feel like you, in denial. It’s 5 months since my husband died and I seem to be coping - too well. I think I’m waiting for him to come home from a trip
Thankfully I don’t think I’ve hit depression, I’m sure there’s time
You’re the doing the best you can and although people say time is a great healer to me that just means I’m getting further and further away from the love of my life
Take care Jackie
I completely resonate with what you are saying. I saw a TV drama where a recently widowed lady said “I don’t want to die …… but I hate this life”. This completely sums me up. Of course I don’t want to die. I have two wonderful sons, four grandchildren and a host of family and friends who would come in a heartbeat if I needed them. I too go out, socialise and holiday but I want my old life back with my darling John. But I know that’s not going to happen so I just do the best job I can at being somewhere close to happy. Stages of grief ? After two and half years I have
no idea where I’m at - not grief stricken anymore, not on my knees anymore just a constant sadness which I push to one side and try to move on - but it always come back and lives alongside me whatever I do.
BIG hugs 
Georgina
I so echo all you say. It’s nearly three years of loss for me and I am obviously not in the first stages of grief I feel so sad every day, even though I have got on with my life. I have a large family with lots of grandchildren who are all a great support, some more than others. I have joined theU3A, film club and a Rummikub group but I still feel the loss and loneliness without my soulmate will never leave me although I have tried very hard.
That’s all we can do Carol is try isn’t it ? We’re doing our best with this awful hand we’ve been dealt.
All the best
Georgina xx
We certainly are and it’s sometimes difficult.
People say … do things … keep busy … sometimes that helps … sometimes it doesn’t aa we still miss them … my triggers at moment are watching cases where they have saved people ! But they didnt even try to save my husband … i cant forgive that awful hospital for that … the flipping idiots ! He was everything to me ! They had chance to save him but they just werent fast enough !!!
So sorry, Deb, it eats away at us, doesn’t it? Had my husband’s consultant been up to his ‘apparent expertise in his field, he could have saved my husband so much pain, discomfort and indignity, The memory of all that and losing him, overpowers me at times.
Deb5, Rome18
I have the same sad memories of the hospital Paul died in. He had a Perforated bowel which is usually operated on and that was the plan and then it wasn’t. Another lockdown had come in and Paul would have needed to go to ICU which he had done before but now they could not justify using ICU and he was sacrificed as I saw it but no one explained to us. I try not to go there as there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s upset me now speaking about it. I really shouldn’t.
Carol19 and Deb5
I try really hard to stop the awful memories of seeing my husband’s suffering, but it is so difficult and impossible at times. I have so many years of happiness and I wish they would take over. Grief has a mind of its own.
Take care.
I know … they never explain stuff to us either do they ! They treat you like youre an idiot ! We all kicked off as a family to demand answers ! Tale care of yourself @Carol9 xxx
Thank you.
I feel the same. I cant stop thinking of my hubbys last few days. I was supposed to start counselling today but Mind messed up the dates again.I just sat on their stairs and sobbed. I feel selfish but I hate being like this.
They will sort your appointments out and then you will start to feel better … it doesn’t take all of it away but it helps to understand your grief xxx