My husband of 21 years died 3 months ago, and of course I am devastated. I have been so surprised by the different ways in which my friends have reacted. People who I would have thought my best friends have just said - I’m here if you need me. In other words they’re not getting off their butts, I need to do all the work. Of course I need them , but I won’t knock on the door and ask. The best and kindest support has been from people came out towards me, who invited me for supper, took me out with them, called at the door just for a chat, rang up to see if I was OK, and said wonderful things about David.
I suppose in time I shall feel a bit less bitter, but at the moment it is hard to understand. I have two sons but they are living busy lives thousands of miles away. I have been invited out to them but just at the moment the journey feels too much, and it’s also quite expensive
Do sorry to here of your loss
You are here now and most of us are on this horrible journey some more months years on.
Our families seem to either gather to help you get through these days or lead busy lives and just leave you to get through it on your own. I have been 6 months since losing my husband unexpected and suddenly and have had to cope and get through things basically on my own.
I do understand we lead busy lives but a phone call every so often would have been appreciated even just to see how we’re doing.
Anyway life moved on and we get through the days somehow.
It is strange how people react i think unless you have gone through similar loss you dont understand the pain and loneliness that follows from the loss of someone special.
Anyway do take care of yourself as it is important to do so.
Take care
Lynne x
Hi @Sicilia it’s 4.5 months now since I lost my soulmate of 35 years and today has been a very bad day. I have had some great support from both family and friends but they all have their own lives to lead and I don’t want to become a burden to them but sometimes I just wish they would phone or pop in to see me without me having to ask for their support. The first couple of months there was always someone ringing me or popping in but as time goes by it’s become less and less frequent. I know that they all think I’m doing OK and probably don’t think I need them as much as I do. I do appreciate how lucky I am but at times the loneliness is awful.
I hope you find some peace and happiness, take care and stay strong
its 20 months this sat since dave died and i have had no help from anyone, not one person has ever phoned etc to see how i am or how i am getting on. one daughter shrugged her shoulders when told and that was it, the other one speaks but its all about her, never ever has asked about her dad. even someone from the church told me that loads of husbands die part of life. i dont even mention it any more if i see someone, no one gives a damn. gone are the days when people even cared
Hi sue i will ask how you are ? I lost my husband 5 months ago next week very suddenly no one gets it unless its happened to them everyone backed off from me weeks ago its very lonely x
I lost my partner of 43 years 3month ago. Some of the neighbours have been great but the ones we got on really well with didn’t come to the funeral and have hardly contacted me since. When they do it is usually an excuse to tell me about their life and what they have been doing. They don’t seem interested in me or my life or how I am coping. It makes me feel bitter and angry and unable to ask for help.
Hi @SueF1@Cadge@Steve59
Yes it seems like unless you have hone through a loss you don’t understand the pain loneliness
It has been 6 months for me not much contact from daughter here who lives a 1hr away as she says she has her own life and things to deal with too !
I have another daughter in Australia at least she calls once a week to chat.
Friends neighbours seems to have disappeared now so having to go out to make new ones at 66 this is hard.
I think we just need some company someone to talk as the loneliness is intense sometimes. Maybe a coffee club or something set up we can get together and chat cry shout just prople who understand.
Anyway there is always someone to talk to on this website as we all know what each of us are going through on this new life ahead.
Take care stay strong we will survive this the heartache will never go away but with support from each other we will get by.
Lynne x
Hi Sicilia,
So sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband almost 4 months ago and have had multiple empty promises of support. “I’m here if you need anything” blah blah blah. We can’t go knocking on doors asking for help. I think going through this is hard enough as it is. Hope you get to manage and find some peace in your heart.
I found the same, i lost my husband of 40 years in may. My best friend didnt come to see me, just rang and would say i am welcome to come to hers for tea and cake. I certainly wasnt up to that and the first time i saw her was the funeral which was 4 werks after losing him then after that 3 months later she popped in for my birthday. I realise that my real friends are the ones that came round and took me out.
It’s just over 5 months since I lost my soulmate. My daughters have been really supportive but I know they have busy lives and I am trying not too put too much on them as times go by. I have today started to do some voluntary work with AgeUk at their day centre for people with dementia. It was my first day today and it was so good to be with people, obviously the clients but also the staff and other volunteers and the clients carers who came to bring their partners and to collect them. For a few hours I was able to put aside my self absorption, because that is what I feel it has become, and concentrate on others. I can’t go next week as I have to go for a cataract removal but I’m looking forward to going back the following week and getting involved in the community. I came home and told Chris all about it, I know he would be pleased that I was doing it
Thanks to all of you who identified with my sadness over some friends and the way they behaved after my bereavement. It’s almost as though they were saying ‘we are going to shut the door because we don’t want our cozy lives messed up by having to make changes for a grieving person’. They also don’t realize how much mental and physical effort it takes just to get up in the morning and remember to pay the gas bill, so seeking out unwilling friends isn’t going to happen. As Matisse says, we are not going to knock on their doors and ask for company and help. It makes so much of a difference when people come forward and don’t wait for us to ask. Just a simple come and share a cup of tea or I’ll bring around a bottle of wine really helps.
Love to all on a lonely Saturday morning after Christmas.
Hi everyone i know what you mean its been the same for me
You are going through the worst time of your life and the lonliness and then have to put up with people just not caring or giving you the time of day .I got sick of il be there for you and ring if you need me .zThen when you ask for help its just excuses you feel so rejected no wonder we feel we are getting punished all the time Ive realised now its all empty words .I have one friend and one family member i can rely on some time .But we are realy on our own .Im trying to get stronger to deal with things alone but its an uphill.struggle .Thankyou for everyone on here who has helped i appreciate it some real kind people on here xxx
Hi @Hope5
Yes unfortunately people say call me or neighbours just drop by if your passing.
But i dont work like that i wont knock on their doors inviting myself in. Previously we just said hello general chat in passing.
Also my daughter who lives about 50 miles away cant be bothered in visiting just seen her twice in 7 months as she is too busy to come to see me. When my husband was alive we drove through to visit her but i dont drive do have been through twice by train to see granddaugher 23 and great grandson who is 1year.
If i dont travel to them i would not see them.
Take care
Lynne Xx
That is certainly not the actions of a best friend. It’s shocking how people you thought would be there for you were not. I have found it was strangers that helped me the most and a few of them have now become close friends. On top of what we are already going through we then have to find new friends, it’s exhausting. People in general are selfish and only interested in their own lives. I am learning to do things on my own so I am not dependant on anyone for their company
Im so sorry Galaxy im just like you too and wont knock on anyones doors and ask for help and will try to deal with everything alone but its just getting to much now ive lost trust in people all together and your daughter is been so selfish .My daughter lives in Ireland and my grankids but she does ring me most days .But i dont get to see them much and its so loneley isnt it on our own .It hurts so much when no one seems to care especially family .No wonder we dont feel confident .Maybe one day all these fair weather friends will need us but they neednt come to me .xxx
Hi @Sarlyn
Yes its all a new learning curve
Best to move on and not dwell on past look to the future the only past i keep in my heart is the 38 years me and my husband spent together no one will ever takes these memories from me
that follows from the loss of someone special.