Hi everyone. I’ve started to write this post several times but really don’t know what I want to say or where to begin.
I lost my husband (58) suddenly 5 weeks ago today but the funeral isn’t until Wednesday (26th). Until now I’ve been numb, living in a bubble and wanting it all to be a bad dream and that I’ll wake up soon. In fact I think I’ve been pretty calm up until now and was worried that I wasn’t as bad as I thought I should have been (if that makes sense). But wow has it hit me today!! I’ve spent all day sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t want to go to bed as it will be one sleep less to the funeral.
I’m so lucky that I have a brilliant support network of family and friends and I don’t want to sound ungrateful but it’s only made me realise how lonely I am now without my soulmate when they’ve still got theirs. Even though they’ve been amazing they can still say the wrong things. One friend said that whenever I was ready I could go out with them (a couple) and when I said I didn’t think I’d ever be ready she said maybe I was overthinking it and it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought! She thought once I’d seen everyone at the funeral it would be ok! What!!! They just don’t get it do they? Another said she often does things on her own at the weekend without her partner, but couldn’t understand the difference between wanting to do things on your own and having to because the love of your life isn’t there to share it with you.
I think my bubble has just burst and I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling physically sick at the thought of the funeral. I can’t believe I’ll never see his face again, hear his voice, feel his kisses and cuddles, just his being there, sat watching TV in companionable silence,
Sorry for rambling. I’m so thankful for this group as it’s the only place I know I can say just what I’m thinking or feeling and you’ll understand.
Oh Diane I am so sorry. Its been 11 weeks for me. My husband was only 59.
People are so desperate to make it all better and they find it hard that they just can’t. Everyone else gets to leave the nightmare and go back to some sort of normality distant from yours. I’ve learned they mean well and try to laugh about it…especially all the stories of ‘how x lost their husband but they remarried and is great now’. It horrified me initially but they come from a good place. They just don’t know.
I miss those quiet moments just being together more than anything too. Take care x
Yes, friends mean well and are very sympathetic however unless you have experienced it then you don’t know what it’s like. I’m everso sorry for your loss. For example, friends used to turn up with a meal for me to have which is very kind for my daughter and I, so I’d have a freezer full of frozen mince…….when actually it would be better for the two of us to go to their house and have it with them to get out for a bit. So I’ve said that and they now invite us out. People want to help, they just don’t know how to sometimes and will want you to tell them what they can do to help.
I also felt numb but then would have waves of feeling sick as I realise that I won’t see, hear, talk to or hold my wife ever again. She was 50 and just miss her terribly.
Diane, so sorry for your loss, and mine, and everyone else on here.
Friends mean well, they just don’t know what to say or how to say it.
As a bloke I find that my male friends just don’t say much and leave me to talk about Elaine.
Personally, I think it will be worse after the funeral (a week from tomorrow for me) as everyone else will go back to their own lives.
Ian
Hi Diane
You will get through the funeral because you have to. I road it along almost like I was the host of a party I know that sounds strange but I just felt I had to speak to everyone. But now it’s all just a blur. My son did an amazing eulogy and people have been supportive and kind. Now though it’s all gone quiet I still have my very close friends keeping in touch but lots of promises made by people at the funeral seem to have just been words. You don’t like to ask for help so in a sense I knew the bad time would be after the funeral. I really hope you have a good support network I couldn’t have coped without My sister even though she lives 400 mile away she has stayed with me as long as she could she up at mine more than she is home. But her husband passed 4 years ago so we are both alone. Take care on the day of the funeral I will be thinking of you. Jude
Hi Diane and anyone reading.
My beautiful wife passed on April 29th after 26 years of marriage.
I haven’t been on this site often as I found it too upsetting but now I realise I have to properly face things and come to terms with my reality.
Diane you summed up my feelings when you mention about “companiable silence,” it was what we had and I now cherish the memories.
Carole’s funeral was a blur and seems an age ago. I am back working and this helps but I lack motivation and although I try to help myself I struggle with no close family living nearby.
The tears have lessened but the heartache and pain remain, just knowing my wife can no longer laugh and smile makes me feel sad.
Apologies for sounding down, I have read on here of people finding a future, hopefully we all can too at some stage.
I wish you well for the funeral, I remember having to reach out for help, it was there on the day to carry me through which was a blessing.
Hi Diane
I lost my husband suddenly last December. Because it was a sudden death we had to wait for a post mortem, I wasn’t able to have his funeral till February. From the day he passed away until the funeral it was like it wasn’t real. I was expecting to wake up and see him there. But it didn’t happen. On the day of the funeral it really hit home he wasn’t coming back. As the cars pulled up outside it was unbearable. My children were so supportive even though they were grieving themselves. I was surprised by the number of people at the funeral as I didn’t realize how many people he actually knew. He would have been so proud of how his children dealt with it. They were amazing. I wish you well for the funeral and our thoughts will be with
Take care
Thinking of you. It’s 8 weeks since I lost my beloved husband. I woke early again . Uncontrollable weeping. People don’t know what it’s like until you are in the same position. I dreaded the funeral,but got through it ok. My family including myself about to 7. Only 26 of us attended,
It’s afterwards you realise that this is life now. I really don’t like it. Life is so empty without him. Counselling, another session today, I don’t know if it helps but I’m going. She tells me the grief will never go, my world will just get bigger around it. I can’t envisage this.
It is good talking to “strangers” on here knowing they are in the same position. Take care.
Hi All
Yes the funeral keeps you sailing……. You feel you have to chat to folk
As you say host of a party
It’s been 13 weeks …… 120 at Paul’s funeral very very comforting but…… promises of keeping in touch hasn’t happened
But you are left with a very small core of friends who feel your pain
They don’t know what it actually feels like but they are there
Be strong
But it’s the loneliness someone wrote comfortable silence says it all wish I had it now instead I’ve got deafening silence
My counsellor also says you work around the grief
At this moment grief is overtaking me hourly
We all feel it on here but we are still alone
But…… folks here know what we mean so that’s good
Hugs to all
Xx
Hi @Pam8. It’s so hard isn’t it? I am acutely aware I make people so uncomfortable and I get why the contact dries up. I’m so fed up of talking about how awful this is too and feeling no better.
I bit the bullet and referred myself through work for counselling (I can luckily get 4 sessions). We talked about a lot of things but two things helped. The first was that she asked me to tell her how we met. I love telling the story and would tell it endlessly but everyone we know has heard it before.
The second thing was ‘tell me what he looked like’. And as I described him I couldn’t help but smile. It gave me a wee bit of comfort, the first in a while.
It might be worthwhile trying to access some of the counselling resources out there…grief chat have a free online chat thing if its too hard to speak.
Take care xx
It’s been 5 month today and can’t remember what his laugh sounded like, I miss him so much it really a physical pain ,unless unfortunately as we do what it’s really the hours go so slowly, it’s the little things a couple of times I’ve gone to make us both a coffee and actually got as far getting the cups out of the cupboard, if my diction is terrible I apologise, my son even said to me the other that I’ll get better in a couple months I had to walk away before I screamed it feels like part of me has died with
Remembering the good stuff has been really hard for me too. I can remember a the horrible stuff fine but the happy memories often seem just out of reach, especially while I’m really low and most desperate to access them. But I do get the odd glimpse back when I’m not trying so I’m hopeful.
You’re right part of us has died. We dont have children so everything was just us. This has to hard I reckon. It’s a tribute to our love. That doesn’t make it any less painful but gives me a reason. Don’t get me wrong, I pray every night that I won’t wake up and each new day starts a fresh hell falling into that abyss of despair but there has to be a reason for all this and the only one I can think of is love. We’ve been so lucky to ever have experienced it and this is the price we pay. Sending a hug xx
Hi
Yes all I remember is the pain Paul suffered the apparently side affects the endless medication the hope we had
Looking back were we naive to think we’d ever get through it …….
We have no bairns it was just ‘us two’
Now just me and everyone here knows that absolutely devastating feeling
Alone numb panic fear
I so miss Paul
I’ve had tears all day can’t think tomorrow will be any different
Bigs hugs
Xx
Hi Diane, reading your post made me join this group because it resonated with me so much. I lost my partner of 30 years on the 22nd, it was sudden and unexpected, he was 59. He went out on a bike ride like he has done a million times. He came off his bike when he had to avoid other cyclists and hit a soft patch of earth. He rang me to tell me he’d be home later than planned but he was ok. 45 minutes later he rang again to say he’d phoned his friend and he was picking him up, we said good bye and love you like always. Five minutes after that call a passing doctor had started CPR, Graham had had a massive heart attack. Paramedics and an air ambulance arrived but they couldn’t save him. It broke my heart having to tell our children. We’re wondering did the accident contribute, so many what ifs. His funeral isn’t for another two weeks. I feel like you said you did; numb and like it’s a bad dream. I don’t feel like I’m crying enough. But my chest is starting to feel constantly heavy, I feel the pain bubbling inside and I just wanted to scream the other day, but I didn’t. I am dreading my new normal without him. I will miss laughing with him over the antics of our beautiful little granddaughter who he adored, and she him, it breaks my heart when I yhink of what they will both miss. I will miss the companionable silence, the cuddles, the sharing of worries. I really don’t know what I will do without him. I feel so guilty because I never appreciated what we had while I had it, just took it for granted we would always be ‘we’.
Take care
Hi Nicjayne …so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand the shock you are in. My husband and best friend of 46 years also just went out for a bike ride, as he had done hundreds of times before … said bye, see you in about an hour, and never came home. He had a cardiac arrest and despite passers by helping … the first responders, paramedics, police even the air ambulance he still passed away 5 days later when they turned off the life support machines. His brain had been starved of oxygen for too long. This was the end of May so almost 6 months ago and I miss him more as each day goes by. … I don’t feel lonely as such as have people around me, but feel so alone if that makes sense. … and I also feel guilty that I never appreciated what we had until it was gone, guilty for still being here and he is not. I also feel envious of ‘couples’ if that makes sense. … everywhere I look there are couples and I am alone … people keep telling me it gets better/easier with time, but I am yet to find this.
I really hope you find some peace in your ‘new normal’ … take care
Hi all
Yes so hurts never no more the ‘we’
It’s right we never appreciate anything / anyone until we haven’t got it/ them
Like you I feel alone by myself for ever
Had a really tearful day yesterday today no better
Like everyone my head is full of ‘what ifs’
Suppose life is full of what ifs but in our situation it really hits home
Don’t like going anywhere feel safe at home and close to Paul
Oh and staying here I don’t see any couples!
Friends pop in also couples but even that’s started to hurt
The pain is unbearable
Hugs to all in this bloody awful situation
Xx