I am not sure why I am writing this I feel I need to know I am doing the right thing My husband passed away 3 weeks ago and I feel I have been in shock and numb since then. The funeral arrangements are overwhelming. I am finding everything difficult and now my husbands daughters who my husband had not seen for 5 years are asking to visit him in the chapel of rest. I had contacted them to say their goodbyes in the hodpital and feel now that I should b the only one to visit him. I am finding it hard to find the words to tell them this but feel they want to go just for their own guilt at not bothering with him, they never sent one card, father’s day, birthday nothing I cant help but feel annoyed with them for even asking.
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My partner of nearly 40 years passed away 2 months ago. He was 61. His mum is in her 80’s. She is not a pleasant woman and made my life quite miserable. I haven’t really bothered with her for years. She was his mum and I decided to just reach out and ask was there anything she wanted at the funeral. I ask his brother for childhood anecdotes. Certain family members were ask for music suggestions. We all went to see him together. He had a lovely send-off. There wasn’t anything I would have changed. It gave me a sense of peace. I am really glad I shared the choices.
Hi, I understand how you feel completely but maybe for your own peace of mind & rising above their behaviour which they will have years to reflect on, give your permission to allow them to go to the chapel of rest, be glad they’ve asked you, as his children the funeral director isn’t able to deny them.
I understand why you feel hurt in this way but they are his children, whatever has happened in the past. You and they have only one chance to do this and if you deny them that, either of you may come to regret the situation and it’s too late to make it right.
Perhaps they privately want to apologise to their Dad why they didn’t see more of him or tell him the reasons why. I think you have to be the bigger person here, even though it is upsetting you so much.
Your husband loved you and your big heart. He would be proud of the way you have handled everything so well. Families are never easy and as a previous message said; the funeral director could not deny them if they contacted them direct anyway.
The funeral will be such a difficult day anyway, without any additional bad feelings.
Sending a big hug.
Something similar happened to me .His son had fallen out with him 18 months previously because he wasn’t mobile enough to attend his grandsons wedding absolutely disgusting.Anyway he died suddenly and his son never even contacted me he lives 2 miles from me the funeral was 5 weeks later and I didn’t even know if they were attending it.The only communication was through my other half’s brother,they rang him 2 days before the funeral and said they were going to see him at the funeral home.I have never been as mad in my life I had told the funeral home I didn’t want to see him,I found him dead in our garden and that was enough for me.I also told the funeral man I didn’t want anyone else seeing him they didn’t bother with him when he was alive so why bother now he was 83 by the way and to fall out with an old man for not been able to cope with a wedding is disgusting.
Although I completely understand your feelings, I do think it will help you eventually if you allow them to visit your husband. Being able to rise above and be the bigger person will benefit you. Andy and his sister were estranged and had been for years, so I initially didn’t want her to even come to the funeral but in the end I contacted her, and gave permission for her to visit him in the Chapel of Rest as well as attend the funeral. Some of my reason was to show her what an amazing man her brother is, it was standing room only at the church, and to show her what she’d missed out on for all those years. My one stipulation though was that I would be the last person to visit Andy and so I sat with him for about an hour after she had gone, talking to him and telling him what I still thought of her!!! It made me feel a bit better. Good luck on your decision but remember, whatever you choose will be the right decision for you xx
@Flower_garden @jody , apologies to criticise, but I had a similar situation when my mam passed on 14th August, I have 4 siblings who haven’t spoken to my mam in over 20 years, and I specifically told the undertaker that I wanted to be informed if anyone made an appointment to view my mam, (he was aware of family fallouts), the undertaker told me ‘no-one can view her without your consent’, as I was mams next of kin, so I told him no-one but me to visit mam, as it turned out none of them asked to see her & didn’t attend her funeral
Jean x
@Lincoln , I am with you on this, but understand other peoples thoughts & feelings on here, I know I done what was 100% right for my mam
Jean x
My partner’s daughter didnt speak to him for years.
He didn’t want me to tell her he was dying, and I respected his wishes.
Afterwards though, I felt I had to tell her he had gone because I thought they would have made up at some point, despite them both being so strong willed and bloody minded.
I just felt she should have the opportunity to make her peace with him and also with herself.
And yes, I was angry with her but also sad that they would never be able to make things right.
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Thank u for your replies I cant forgive his daughter’s they r just feeling guilty as they treated him so badly never let him see his grandchildren very cruel to a very kind man, I will never see them again and that suits me fine I am surrounded by people who loved my husband and that is all I need. I let them say their goodbyes to him at the hospital when he died so they had time with him before he passed. I cant forgive and forget.
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To deny him his grand children it the ultimate kick in the face, personally, I couldn’t forgive, soo pleased you have support from other people
Take time for you & your own grief
Big hugs
Jean x
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