Hello,
My husband of nigh on 40 years died just over a year ago. We had recently relocated to Devon to realise our retirement dream of buying a property to live alongside our daughter and son in law . Our first Grandchild ( to my son and daughter in law , who live a couple of hours away ) was born 3 weeks before he died and he did get to
meet his Grandad . My daughter has just given birth to her first child 12 weeks ago . Both of them have brought much needed joy in the darkest of times . I canāt help but feel robbed and so very sad that our time was cut short and that my husband will not meet his second and any future Grandchildren. I know I am so much luckier than many. My daughter , son in law and new grandson live next door and all my family have been a wonderful support. But I now find myself struggling to navigate finding a new life for myself . Because my husbands health deteriorated very soon after we moved , my time was spent caring for him which I did willingly of course. It has meant that I havenāt really had a chance to meet people of my own age and interests locally and I know I need to . But how do I start ? I feel Iāve lost confidence, canāt make decisions and my world seems to be getting smaller. Our property has some land and we have several animals that need my care , but once thatās done for the day I need other things to get me out . I donāt ever want to burden my daughter or make her think that I rely on them for entertainment. They need to make their own life as a family.
Hello @Charmo59,
I can see youāre new to the community, so I wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your husband.
It can be tough to know where to start, but itās really brave to want to step out of your comfort zone. Iām not sure whereabouts in Devon you are, but you might want to check out Meetup.com, which lists lots of local groups. You can sort the listings by activity - thereās a few in community and environment you might be interested in, given your experience of caring for land.
Thereās also this social group for over 50s around Teignmouth that seems really active.
Another event of interest may be this one from The Loss Foundation. Theyāre holding a, āwalk and talkā from Exeter St. Davidās for people who are bereaved by cancer.
In terms of gaining some confidence, Iām sure our members will have some thoughts to share. Iām tagging @tykey as he has challenged himself to try lots of new things since the death of his wife and may have some wisdom.
Take good care; I hope you find the community to be a support to you.
Hi, i know exactly how you feel.my husband died jan 2024 ā¦where i live im virtually on my ownā¦want to move nearer to my son but the housing market isnt moving .i only go out once a week for a keep class or asdaā¦im not brave enough to meet or do new things on my ownā¦keep telling myself ill do it when i moveā¦but it looks like i ve got a lot more waiting to do
Itās so very hard and I keep putting things off but I know thatās not getting me anywhere . Iām trying to find things and feel the fear and do it anyway and then find an excuse not to !!! Joining this community is at least a step towards it I guess and you e done that too .!
Thank you for all your helpful suggestions . I will look into them.
Hi @Charmo59 , and thankyou @Seaneen for prompting me. I didnāt realise I seem to have an image of being so positive. But it has served me well, I just canāt believe how my life has changed over the last 3 years.
Looking back, I think the key thing was to think of my new life as the next chapter of my life, and I started by writing the plot whilst I had the chance. What would I like it to be, it had in it practical things, eg where to live, any relationships and friendships, garden, holidays etc etc. But I also knew I needed new things as well, and I decided to do things Iād always wanted to do, but never got around to, plus some things Iād never thought of. When ideas came into my head, I never,ever, said NO to the possibility, but thought for some time before I decided to do them or not.
I realised I loved listening to music, so why not expand that thought? For instance, one night I was listening to the Moody Blues, and there was a wonderful flute intro. I thought " I want to do that" and within 10 minutes Iād got a flute and booked a lesson the next day. Thatās a year ago, and Iāve loved the challenge, itās coming on very well. I dusted off my ukulele and joined a local group. I know the uke isnāt musical, but I had fun making new friends. But it had the advantage that one of the members invited me to join her in a large harmony choir, and Iāve realised I can actually sing, and our concerts are a total thrill. Plus Iāve made even more friendsš, and I love being part of it.
I also decided that rather than dread all the anniversaries, I chose to treat them as an opportunity to celebrate the 50 times we had always celebrated them. So each opportunity was a challenge. I made a date with her on top of a very large hill, and had a lovely chat. I went on holiday to Anglesey and played her a tune on my flute on one of our favourite beaches, Iāve been potholing. Not all successful, there were a few private tears but Iāve been proud of myself. Iām working on next yearsā anniversaries, maybe gyrocoptering?
I think my best advice to you is be brave, have a go. You can always change your mind later, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. You may well find you open one door, and that leads to another door.
Never talk to yourself in negative terms, eg I canāt do that, Iām not brave enough, I canāt sing.
Itās certainly not easy, Iāve had my failures (abseilingā:pleading_face:) Iāve had tears along the way as well. Donāt think you are leaving your memories behind, we never do, my wife always comes with me. Even down the pothole, which I really know she would refuse to doā:kissing_closed_eyes:
Find those things you can do away from home, with friends (eg choir) then something you can (and prefer to) do alone, eg flute
And never tell yourself āIām too oldā. I googled to find out what is the best age to learn to play an instrument. The answer is EIGHT!! I started 68 years late, but Iām doing it.
Go for it, be brave, be proud.
Good luck
Hi again @Charmo59 . I just had a late thought. Iāve just started boarding guide dogs for the Blind. Iāve loved dogs for many years, Iāve got two of my own, and the guide dogs are fantastic.
Iām not sure what animals you have, but are they suitable for taking to meet people in care homes? Iād love to do this.
Remember your first thought should be āHmmm! thatās possibleā:grin:ā
Hi there,
Thanks so much for your reply . Itās funny you should mention therapy dogs as my daughter and I were discussing it today as one of our dogs would, we think, be perfect for it. I am going to look into it !!
I was alpaca trecking a few weeks ago, and they took them to care homes. Have you got room for a couple of alpacas as well?
Iām delighted you had already thought of that, and I wish you every success with it.
The first step is the most difficult, but our confidence grows. Good luck!