I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. We had been married 58 years, with one daughter. We/I live in France - which means my family and my late husband’s family are in the UK. I/we have many friends out here; and a lovely large turn-out of friends at my husband’s funeral. But … I’m struggling. The french inheritance system is horrible - and I feel my financial security, and ‘our’ nest egg we had worked for - is now being controlled by the state - and the state is deciding how ‘our’ assets and home is to be ‘handed on’. There is no Grant of Probate as in the UK - it has to be done by a state notaire, who’s only interested in controlling and calculating how much tax the state can take. It’s horrible. So have financial worries as well as emotional ones.
I don’t eat meat - my husband did. I have a freezer full of meat, home cooked meat dishes etc - none of which I will eat…!! He also loved the yoghurt ‘A—ia’ - I went shopping yesterday, stood in front of the chiller cabinet to select some ‘A—via’ - realised I’d never buy another pot for him - and almost started crying in the middle of the supermarket.
All our friends have been wonderful - very supportive, very helpful - but I don’t want help; I don’t want to talk to anyone - I just want to be left alone. I can’t talk to anyone without breaking down in tears - and I hurt, I hurt so much. Sometimes I feel I can’t cope with the french state system of ‘control’ - and I just want to …go away and hide - can’t cope…can’t bear it. And I hate feeling so wimpish, so pathetic, so useless…
I don’t know what to do - whether to sell house and move back to UK - but the french state decrees that I can remain in my home - with the ‘permission’ of daughter - but I have to make decision about moving or staying - ‘WITHIN one year’ - no ifs, no buts, no nothing. If I choose to remain then half my property will be owned by daughter; if I later sell then daughter has half the proceeds from sale - which doesn’t leave me very much to put towards a home in the UK. What sort of system is that - I have no control, no say over ‘our’ property - which is adding to my worries. I’m a mess - I don’t want to be here, in this situation. and when do I stop crying ?
Need a time travel machine - take me forwards 2 years. - or back 10 years to have more time with my husband to really appreciate him and his funny ways. And let him know that - despite hiccups - I did love him, and appreciated him - and I miss him…
And I’m in tears typing all this.
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That system sounds horrendous. I am so sorry that you have all this worry on top of everything else. I had no idea that legal systems were so different. I don’t suppose the British Consulate can offer any assistance, by any chance?
Please keep posting here. You will get moral support, understanding and love. Maybe someone might even have experience of the French system, or a similar experience.
In the meantime, just do whatever is imperative to do each day, be kind to yourself and just get through the next hour.
Hugs coming your way. Xx
That sounds terrible. Have you got a UK-based solicitor? It might be worth getting one to help you through all the red tape. I sympathise, because although I’m in the UK, my partner left his half of our house to his daughter, though I can remain in it for my lifetime. I got a solicitor to help me through it all, and it was worth doing.
French notaires - most of them - know nothing about UK law; and UK law doesn’t cover the appalling french system. Our nest egg was ‘tied up’ - in his name; I cannot access our savings. The notaire will take control of those investments, and will split them 50/50 - but that won’t happen until the ‘estate’ is wound up. The notaires also - once home is sold - do NOT hand over all the sale proceeds. They hold onto anything over £150,000 to ensure that all taxes have been paid - and it can take 18 months for all this to be ‘signed off’ !! And I have no money, and no access to ‘our’ savings. I ‘have’ to sell our home within next 6 months - and houses in france don’t sell quickly - or daughter takes ownership of half - and I am ‘allowed’ to live in our home until whenever. But if I sell then daughter can take her half in ££££s… and that’s going to leave me with a few pounds to find a home in the UK.; I’ll end up living in a shed in my daughter’s garden. I hate this system - it is cruel.
I’m still grieving for my husband; I’m bereft. Went shopping and reached to buy his favourite yoghourts - the ‘act…ia’ sort - always made sure I bought all different fruit flavours for him. Reached in - and then it hit me - I’d never be buying them for him again. I almost crumpled and howled in front of the chiller cabinet…and of course got ‘odd’ looks when I carried on doing a shop for single person with tears streaming down my face. I can’t cope, I really can’t. I don’t want to be here - I don’t know what to do about money…or anything else. The situation’s a mess; the french system is medieval - and I’m finding lack of money on top of my grief is just too much. Don’t want to be here…
I know people are kind; and I know others are suffering as well - but Oh God - it’s a struggle - and not sure life’s worth it any more - what’s the point.
Just want to give up -
Oh my goodness, I really feel for you, having huge financial worries on top of everything else. What a terribly cruel system.
I feel ashamed that I grumbled about U.K. Probate currently taking 4 months.
Hopefully, if it comes to it, your daughter will not see you suffer. The system does indeed sound medieval and biased against widowed women. I wonder if the same rules apply to widowed men.
How the heck are you supposed to live without access to your own money.
I wish I could think of something useful to say, other than that it is a disgraceful way to treat anyone.
Xx
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Ok so you have just made me “shut up “ my husband died 14 weeks ago , he never made a new Will so his will “revoked “ after we married and he knew that ! It meant everything would come to me , (not that I want a price for my husband ) he owned a retirement flat that he bought for his mother in his sole name , she has since passed , I can not live there as you have to be 60! Yet it will still be classed as a second home for me re council tax etc , I just want rid of the thing ! BUT then his 3 adult estranged children now all want to know what they are getting ? Even though they all have houses and jobs etc, and they didn’t bother with their Dad for decades, not even letting him meet his Grand Children , now they want to take me court ! His heart was diseased and damaged , but his 3 kids broke his heart years before , I can do without it ! They are putting a price on their father , to me he was priceless
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It is just so horrible. Bad enough to have hearts broken when we have lost the people we love so very much without having to navigate difficulties with family members and the authorities.
I am so sorry. I don’t have the words to say how sorry.
Sending love and hugs to everyone.
Xx
I really sympathise with you,I had the same problem with his estranged son who never ever contacted me after his death but came to my house demanding to see the will which was entirely in my favour then he contacted the solicitor wanting to contest it .My partner and I never married but had been together happily for 38 years so he was claiming he was next of kin and entitled to everything thank god my partner had made a Will.Also he had given his son a decent amount of money 5 years previously telling him that he was giving him money while he was alive rather than leaving him any.
My husband was just “too nice “ to leave them out of his Will that’s why he never updated it after we were married , we were together 24 years but only got 17 months of marriage after we “eloped “ to Gretna Green” September 2022! He changed his life insurance and stuff to my name ! His sons had power of attorney over their Grandmother his Mother she died in August 2023 and let’s just say when my husband saw his mothers bank statements he said “they have had their inheritance then!” And as for his daughter she is now 42 and still thinks she is Daddy’s Princess! When my husband had his first heart attack 20+ years ago he had a medical insurance payout and she worked in the bank and as soon as that money went into his account she was asking him for money !! She was crying over his death bed saying “but your havnt met your Grand daughter ! She is 3 years old and they live up the road that broke his heart ! I still gave them all precious items and jewellery of his and the daughter said “we haven’t got much of Dads stuff “! What she meant was the “valuables”! If only they valued his time more than money !
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You have hit the nail on the head for some people it’s all about money they are so greedy and selfish.His son has a good job plenty of money but all he is bothered about is himself.I hope you don’t have too much trouble with them and it’s sorted soon it’s hard enough losing them and coping with everything without that.
Oh that’s terrible! So, so sorry. The grief is enough without all that to cope with as well.