Still dealing with loss of abusive ex partner

Its been two years since my ex-partner of 3 years died by suicide and it still affects me every second of every day. It’s hard to talk about with people as they think that as he was abusive I shouldn’t be upset about it. he died so young (his 20th birthday was 7 days prior) and I was the last person he saw, I can’t help but feel responsible. he told me 2 days prior he was suicidal and I just told him to get help…I didn’t actively get help for him and I will always hold myself responsible for that.
He killed himself after I broke up with him, no I don’t blame myself for breaking up with him, it was the best thing I could’ve done but the fact I didn’t check he had got home or called him to make sure he was okay, I cant move on from that.
I keep hoping he is alive somewhere, i looked at his old workplace’s social media a few months ago and found a photo on there of someone that looks exactly like him, its been two years and im still in denial. his parents hate me (understandably) so i never got to see any sort of funeral or any visual proof he had died minus a coroner’s report which i was interviewed for.
I have vivid dreams where he comes to me and tells me he is alive and that he sorry for faking his death, and then i wake up and go to message him and realize he is gone.
i became an alcoholic and anorexic after his death and luckily i was able to recover from that myself, although i do drink alot when i do get emotional…which isnt healthy but i think its better than going down the route he did and make my mum experience grief again (my dad died while she was pregnant with me).
im unemployed and on benefits for my mental and physical disabilities, i dont know how im supposed to work again and make a life for myself.

i am trying therapy but its so hard to open up about what happened during our relationship and how i feel about his death, we have had 18 sessions so far and ive only mentioned it in passing, i feel like I’m wasting my money (yes i have told my therapist im coming to him to talk specifically about my ex and his death, and yet he doesn’t ask me questions to do with it, he asks me about my week and then that takes up the whole session). i went through a really bad week this week and it seems to have just brought up everything from my past relationship, i cant even leave the house.

Gosh you’ve been through alot, no wonder you are struggling.

It sounds like you have a person centred counsellor who completely lets you lead the session (I’m not a huge fan of this approach for myself and prefer more of an integrative approach).

I really hope you find a way to let everything out to your counsellor as it must be so hard keeping everything in. It maybe worth you considering changing therapists if you aren’t finding this one beneficial.

I’m having counselling and love it. I don’t hold anything back; cry, swear the lot… it’s like a massage of the mind.

you considering changing therapists if you aren’t finding this one beneficial.


it is hard to talk about such trauma. so hard. but if that is why you are there …

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ive never cried in front of him, but he does know alot about me and i think he understands. i have told him i would prefer if he asks me questions and i answer rather than i just talk and he picks out things, as i feel like that would work, but unfortunately we had yet to have found the time as the past few months for me have been pretty hectic emotionally. not the coming session (too much stuff to talk about) but maybe the one after that i hope.


I sought therapy and I know they already have the story so you don’t have to repeat it all. but you are smart to seek counseling regardless. it always helped me to “unload.” I have emotional terrain so thorny, it remains inside. even in therapy, some things are best left forgotten.

You sound like you have overcome so much even though you are young, you knew you had to get out of the relationship.

I too had person centred counselling but found I was going round in circles and used to come out more frustrated!
Also focussing on the present isn’t going to resolve the past.

I lived with domestic abuse in my previous marriage and didn’t really acknowledge or realise it was so bad. , it’s only when I accessed a charity to talk about it that I started to heal. I thought they would tell me I was wasting their time, but they didn’t- they put things in place like a freedom course and weekly sessions. Even if abuse is in the past they are there to help you make sense of it. I think it is definitely worth going and chatting with them.

I completely get that you are grieving for your ex partner. Its normal. It’s still a huge loss. Its the loss of the relationship plus the loss of your ex partner plus the exclusion by his family.

Keep talking on here. It’s so helpful.
You will come through this.

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