Still don’t understand

It’s been 2 1/2 years since Phil … I can’t even say it … “died” is too real. Since I lost him? I wasn’t careless. I didn’t put him down and leave him somewhere. I can’t even begin to say it so how can I move on? How can I continue?
I go through the motions. I smile. Everyone says how well I’m doing. How strong I am. What the hell do they know? They don’t see me cry as I drive to work or feel the pain in my heart. They make me angry but it’s not their fault I know, I’m just being unreasonable, feeling sorry for myself. But I don’t know how to stop.

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Hello Mumma_J,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Another good place to get support is Cruse Bereavement, offer a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services.

Take care,

Michelle

Online Community team

Hi mumma j
I dont know how people would respond if we were to let our guard down and say or show exactly what is going on emotionally within us.
To the outside world everything is now not to bad we have moved forward and we are coping.
In reality we are messed up in everything that is life now. Silly things make me angry, people talking for no apparent reason when they dont have a point annoys me. I mostly want to tell them to go away but they arent really doing anything different, its me. I am changed and not always for the better.
I can and do smile and laugh but the sadness of what was what should be is always lurking waiting to show up like an uninvited guest that stays to long.
I cant live in the past theres no future that I want to see and the present well thats just this and doesnt fill me with hope for tomorrow. Im not even depressed i am just missing what I cat have and nobody can give me that. There doesnt seem a step forward as i am stuck in the now. You are much further on and yet you are still here stuck in the now. Will it always be this way I wonder

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Hi Tillwemeetsgain

Thank you for your reply. Stuck is exactly how I feel. I’m just going through the motions of life without really living it. I know I need to find a way of coming to terms with this new life but not sure how.

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i lost my partner 3 months ago and everyone tells me you doing well you are strong but like you said they dont see me cry throughout the day , im not a person who feels sorry for myself i just feel lost and friends and family think i can just move on for me its early days and i think its going to be a few years before i except my partner is not here anymore

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Hello @Denise0212. I feel so sorry for your recent loss. Three months is no time at all and it is still very raw for you. At this stage there is no such thing as being strong and tears will be with you a lot of the time. It is quite natural, and we all go through it so let your true feeling show. People do say things to try to be helpful and most time they are not at all helpful. They cannot know your pain until they go through it themselves, just as we didn’t understand it prior to losing our loved one.
Feeling lost is normal too so all we can do is take life minute by minute. Talk to your loved one and thank them for the wonderful life you shared.
Love and light…x

Hi - I so feel for you - today it is two years and five months since I lost my husband. I too go through the motions and people tend to think that after this time I am more or less ok. Like you say, what the hell do they know? Every day is a battle, just to survive and then what for? I cry each day even though I try not to - heartache is just so very painful - it’s just so hard to bear. I look at photos of Eddie (I have had some large canvases made from a few photos) but even then I feel like I am torturing myself, as looking at them he seems to be looking back at me and I so wish he was here. He always knew what to say - for instance when I married at 18 I got upset about leaving my parents. Many years later after I lost my mum and shortly after, my sister, he helped me so much to come to terms with things. But what now?

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I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mum and sister too. The relationships we have with our friends and family is different depending on the type of relationship and so the grief for the ones we have lost is different too, no less painful or upsetting, just different.
Phil was my soulmate and knew me better than anyone else. Like your dear Eddie he knew how to help me through the bad times or when I needed a hug. Sometimes I just needed him to do something daft to make me laugh.
I have a photo of him on my phone from when we were on holiday. He looks so relaxed and happy. I zoom in on it and look at his hands or deep into his eyes. Like you say, it’s torture buts it’s also like I can feel his presence again. If only …

Dear Momma_J,

Like you say, if only… what we wouldn’t give to change things. I feel I was lucky to be with Eddie at the end - me and my daughter stayed with him nearly all the time in his many hospital stays in the year he died. He told me he loved me but that he just couldn’t go on anymore. I have some lovely photos of him - he was a funny man. I just wish he could help me through this - though obviously he can’t. Time seems to make no difference at all and I feel people expect that we should be ok now. Weeks after Eddie died, an (older) close friend said to me ‘come on now Les, you need to get over it now’! Even now my best friend says it’s because of this covid situation that I feel so sad. I guess it’s not helped anything but I don’t really feel it’s got too much to do with anything. This a whole new life now but without Eddie it seems pointless. I’ll just have to keep trying until one day we meet again.

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That’s exactly how I am My best friend says how well I’m doing. My husband passed away 18 weeks ago it’s seems like yesterday and I relive that awful night every single day. My best friend has no idea how many times a day I cry or that I don’t want to be here. I’m very lucky , I have a 24 yr old daughter still at home and although she’s hurting too she is amazing. On 21st April my neighbour and very close friend was diagnosed with leukaemia, she was 66, yesterday she died. I don’t even know what I feel , I’m sad yes, I’ve cried yes but who am I crying for now ??? Who is going to be next. This year is brutal and I’ve lost my sole mate , -my husband and Shirley the one person who taught me how to live life and do the adult bit within 5 months. My best friend never really took to Shirley and doesn’t understand my closeness to her and therefore no idea the sadness I feel and how badly I’m going to miss her. I have a lifetime of memories and no matter what happened that wonderful woman had my back. The only comfort I can take is that she’s somewhere with my husband and they’re having a good catch up. I also feel bad for her family as I know what pain they’re going through and feel I don’t have the right to hurt so badly because she’s gone. But I do hurt. I don’t know how I can cope losing them both so soon.

hi i know how you are feeling . my son lost his 2 uncles in a space of a few days then my partner and his dad took ill a few days later he was critical but pulled through that only to be put through grief again in febuary this year my partner and his dad passed away so from november last year to febuary this year we are heartbroken we have had so much to deal with . its been a nightmare like you im lucky i have my son living with me but every day feels like you living in a dream i know its only been 3 months for me but i find i miss him more each day . im so sorry your neighbour passed away yesterday so now you have to cope with more grief . you must have had a lovely neighbour at least she want have to suffer with her illness any more she s at peace now . i believe even though they are not here anymore i feel the presence around thats the comfort i get from loosing my partner i have his ashes so i feel him around me thats the only thing that keeps me going and of course my son if he wasnt here i dont think i could cope .

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time. It’s good that you’ve got your son with you. I feel Phil’s presence all sorts of times. Especially if I’m trying to do some DIY that he would have normally done. I feel him looking over my shoulder and shaking his head. Or if I’m looking for something in the garage I ask him where it is and I usually find it then. Daft probably but it helps x

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