Hi people.
I’m Liam and I lost my mum to lung cancer in March. We lived together, I was her full time carer for her and was before she had the cancer too. I am struggling to make sense of everything even though it’s been almost 9 months since she passed away. Part of the problem I think is we only got 3 months with her after her diagnosis. It all started the previous October as she had scan on her shoulder for her arthritis but a week later they told her they saw a shadow on her lung so this then set off a whole lot of worry and appointments at different hospitals.
I’ll never forget in a taxi to one appointment when she said to me “I didn’t want to leave you this soon” and she was obviously upset, this was heart-breaking to see and I was trying to keep upbeat at the time and really wasn’t thinking the worst, held her hand and said everything will be ok but I guess she had a bad feeling. Unfortunately we got results back from biopsies in early December that it was stage 4 lung cancer. And we was obviously upset and concerned about this. I suppose the writing was on the wall for a while because she began having a poor appetite around October, she said she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t eat and I read this could be tumours causing nausea etc.
Anyway a month after being diagnosed, and we was still waiting for a go ahead for her treatment, she started to have repeated chest infections which then landed her with hospital stays, each stay longer than the previous and so Christie’s said they couldn’t start treatment whilst she was unwell. Unfortunately she never did get well after that and never got to start treatment. She spent most of February in hospital and I visited every day without fail, brought her clean nighties and underwear and other things. By this time she couldn’t breathe on her own and I had an oxygen machine delivered by the NHS to the house, the last weekend of February she came home but only got two days use out of the machine as she started to feel even worse. So we decided to get an ambulance and that was the last time she was at home. A day later at the hospital and they said she had fluid on her lungs, over a litre of it and so they had to drain it, but she didn’t really improve after 12 rounds of antibiotics for her chest infection either.
By now she couldn’t get out of bed, eat anything at all, or go to the toilet, no quality of life at all. So the consultant wanted to speak to me in a room and she was very nice but basically said look we think it’s best to move your mum to end of life care now, I was just numb but then I was crying stood next to my mum’s bed after the consultant told her what she told me and mum then had a rare burst of energy touched my arm and said “I’ll be ok” I think she was trying to reassure me after seeing me upset. Mum was moved to her own room that afternoon, got put on a syringe driver and they got me a fold up bed to sleep on in there and I stayed in that room until she passed away 3 days later, it was horrible seeing her agitated too and they had to give her meds to calm her down. So I still struggle to make sense of it all, it all happened so quick. I’ve had counselling, CBT, I’m on antidepressants but still have bad days. Is this normal? I just don’t don’t feel like the same person anymore, and miss her so much.
Hi liam,i lost my mum yesterday morning due to COPD,its awful to watch,lost my dad 3 years ago too to asbestosis so again awful to watch…losing dad still hurts 3 years on but i have found comfort in hearing what he would say to me in times of sadness…im hoping i can have the same coping skills with losing mum…your mum will be so proud of you for caring for her and being there for her…i can bet your mum would love for you to be happy again,maybe do things that you know she would have been happy for you to do/achieve…i spent 20 years with a fear of flying,my dad kept telling me how much of the world i was missing out on…so i asked him for strength to help me with my fear,and although hes passed away i could hear his reply…i bet you could ask a question of your mum and hear her reply too…so this year ive flown 8 times! My fear is conquered…so believe me when i say that your mum is still around and if you ask her anything you will hear her reply……when i had really bad days i forced myself to go out for walks…i view death as a temporary separation and this helps me cope ,i dread this Christmas as its the firat one without a parent,i have my own family but it doesnt mask the sadness but does give me strength to get through it…take care and be good to yourself as im sure thats what your mum would want you to do…
Hi thanks for your reply and kind words and sorry for your losses. Yes it’s awful to watch your loved ones struggling to breathe and gradually get worse. You feel helpless. And yes my mum wrote in her last diary entry in late January about how great I was at helping her and going to all her appointments, doing the shopping, washing, cleaning etc she said she never forgets these things. I know what you mean about how she’d want me to be happy, I just see people I know my age (late 30s) with both sets of parents still living and they probably will for a good while but my mum is already gone, I wanted longer with her. I never knew my dad he was a waste of space didn’t want to know me, Sometimes I “talk” to mum. For instance if I see something on the TV she liked I say you liked this didn’t you mum, or if I get caught in rain I’d be like this weather is awful isn’t it mum, things like that makes me feel a bit better like I have that connection.
Talking to her will help,just because you cannot see your mum doesnt mean shes not walking next to you… nobody knows what really happens after you pass… i looked up to the sky last night when i was out with the dog and asked mum if when shes finished partying with family up there can she give me a sign that all is ok …
My partner recently lost her best friend dog. Shes very spiritual personal, feels life deeply.
Shes highly sensitive, perhaps with adhd.
And is feeling this intensley.
I know grief well after loising grand parents, and both parents by age 41.
But somehow i struggle to feel as much empathy around a dog passing. And im finding myself feeling drained, guilty and cold.
Ive poured love for few weeks but i can feel irritability in me and wonder if im feeding indulgence in depression.
Im also noticing that our relationship is not the focus and its feeling the conversation is always about this. I know deep love holds and sustains that. Ive been told i dont have capacity for you.
And i dont remember being like that in grief. I always made time for partner. Made sure i didnt fully speak about grief all the time.
But i am starting to feel uncared for myself. Does this make me cold and selfish?
I also wonder if ive gone through so much grief if i am shut down to feeling someone elses deep pain again.
I think when you go through grief and find that light again theres part that doesnt want to go there again.
Im wondering if others have felt this before.
And how partners have dealt with other partners grief.
Is there still space for the relationship or do you soak it up and become a cushion of support for how long is needed?
Is it right to just give space for the other. I feel im vanishing abit and feeling sad myself.
Should you encourage a partner to keep ruminating in the pain. Let them be.
Or try to help them out if it.
Hi @Liam2 I just came across your post.
I too lost my mum 5 months ago so I feel your pain.
I don’t really think 9 months is all that long when you were your mum’s carer & had her around all your life. You are also suffering from the trauma of what you saw your mum go through. How did you find the counselling as it may be that you need some more sessions, or a different antidepressant?
Unfortunately I think we are changed forever when we lose our mums, but there has to be a way for us to move forward & live with the loss.
…when i had really bad days i forced myself to go out for walks…i view death as a temporary separation and this helps me cope ,i dread this Christmas as its the firat one without a parent,i have my own family but it doesnt mask the sadness but does give me strength to get through it…take care and be good to yourself as im sure thats what your mum would want you to do…
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