I lost my mum in April and I was with her when she passed. Even though that happened I am feeling in total disbelief every single day - how could she have gone? I spend a long time analysing her health and questioning what could have saved her and googling stuff about her illness. I expect this normal but I feel it’s taking a long time to sink in. Maybe I don’t want it to sink in.
I suppose you never expect to be without your loved one do you. Does anyone else feel the same?
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Hello,
I’m sorry you lost your mum 
Unfortunately I totally understand what you’re saying.
I even went to the extreme of requesting all of mum’s NHS records from when she was misdiagnosed in April to her cancer diagnosis end of May and hospital admission end of June before passing mid July. I read through the records as soon as I got them yesterday. I hung on every word written about mum. I tried to find trends in her blood tests. I read how fast her tumours grew and her failed procedure which meant she couldn’t have palliative chemo. When she was discharged, I looked after mum at home until the day she passed. All of this, and I still can’t believe it. I still feel like I could have done something although the reality is, my mums disease developed so quickly and these thoughts are irrational.
I believe we are just going through the motions right now. All the disbelief/shock/anger and hurt of it all.
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Hi @BrackObama
My Dad passed away in January and I still cant believe that he has gone. Sometimes I think that he is just sat at home with my mum and catch myself talking about him to people like he is still here and then I remember and have to correct myself. They play such a big part in our lives that it is so hard to think of them not being here.
Take care
Vicky x
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Hi @BrackObama, sorry for your loss. My mum got diagnosed at the beginning of April and she passed away in May.
I often question myself what if I had done it differently on the Friday night before she passed away the following day? If I had insisted on the Friday that the Doctor came out to see her, would she of had a bit longer? All these things go round your head but I know I will never get the answer. I take comfort that my Mum got her wish and she passed away at home surrounded by those that loved her and she didn’t suffer, but it is really hard to have that positive head on all of the time.
Take care
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Hey @BrackObama i feel exactly the same. It’s bizarre because obviously we all lose relatives as we go through life, grandparents etc, and even when it’s been unexpected I’ve never felt this disbelief before. It’s life, we know everyone has to die, but I genuinely can’t believe this has happened to my dad. I look at photos, remember things from last year and constantly think “how is it possible that you’re gone forever”. It won’t sink in. It’s as if while they’re here it’s so horrific to think of life without them, that we subliminally convince ourselves it’ll never actually happen. I wonder if I’ll ever get to a stage of acceptance.
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Thank you for all your replies, it’s so appreciated and you all said things that I feel! I’m so very sorry for all of your respective losses.
@Jack3 you are so right, I think we do convince ourselves that our loved ones will always be around. I saw my mum’s health deteriorate over weeks and I was panicking getting private consultations with top doctors to see what else could be done as the NHS were fluffy (to be polite) in their communication and therefore I didn’t know mum was terminal. The pre-stress before she passed was horrendous but I know I tried everything I could for her.
We have to take the crumbs of comfort where we can otherwise we end up being so hard on ourselves.
@CharlotteG you are very strong to go through all your mum’s medical notes, I don’t think I could, but it’s your grief journey and you need to do what’s right for you. At least you were there for your mum and did everything you could in her final weeks. 
Sending you all strength and hugs xxx
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