Still in grief

After losing my husband and mum within 18 months of each other to cancer, I was very lost and only wanted to be with them, mainly my husband. I got into a new relationship and had a little boy and I think that was when life took over and I was busy and didn’t deal with my feelings of grief. I have cried, screamed shouted, felt numb etc but now my little boy is turning 3 and again I have time on my hands to think about the people I’ve lost. I’m very angry, as I’ve also lost my in-laws one to covid and the other is now quite frail due to illness. I’m 47 and feel all my links to my long past are gone. People keep telling me to try bereavement counselling but I’ve accepted they are gone but it’s the anger and bitterness and complete heart sinking sadness that I find so hard to deal with. I look at my friends and close family members who still have both parents and ask why?! Why me, why my family. I know it just what it is and it’s not personal, if you know what I mean? But I can’t help thinking it’s so unfair. When things go wrong or when I’m really stressed my thoughts go back to my mum and husband and how they would have made me feel like I could get through things or know if I was struggling they would be there for me unconditionally. Am I still going through the stages of grief? because I do have my partner and little boy people think that I’ve just moved on but it’s still so raw for me.

Dear HevBev,

You have had a lot to cope with in the last 5 years, First you lost your mum quite suddenly, and then a year later your husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 4 months after being diagnosed, so you suffered two major losses in 18 months. If I read your profile correctly, you had 2 children, so you had them to look after as well as dealing with your own grief. That can’t have been easy. It is wonderful that you found love again and that you and your partner had a child together. If your child is 3 now, then you were 44 when you and your partner had his baby, so you have had your hands full in the last few years. (I had my first and ony child when I was 46, so I know how much energy it takes to look after a little one!). Maybe all these changes in the last few years are now catching up with you and making you think more about the losses you suffered? You ara correct in saying that bereavement counseling won’t bring your loved ones back, but it may give you an opportunity to explore, express and deal with all the emotions your are feeling? I think it would be worth a try. Reading other people’s stories on here and having a look at the self help resources may also help you to get more insight on grief, how it can affect us and how we can ‘move forward’. xx Jo

Thanks Jo. Since reading back what I wrote, I have been thinking I answered my own question. My husband had metastases in his brain so I lost the person he was soon after diagnosis as his cancer was so advanced and had counselling by the Hospice he was in whilst he was still alive and only had 1 session about 4 months after he passed with a local carers group but this really didn’t work out. I’m going to try again as feeling like this is no good for me or my family. Yes your right having a little one is exhausting some times, as well as a full time job, But he is the one joy that has come out of what happened. Thanks again, Bev

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