Hi you lovely, lovely people. I’ve taken a break from the forum for a few weeks and in those weeks I’m amazed to find that no matter our age we continue to learn! I always did love to learn but I’m not overly impressed with the more recent lessons I’ve been taught; Without boring you all and listing the full ten bells I’m realising the ignorance and sheer lack of understanding and empathy of many people. The presumptive nature of many. The ‘well meant’ actions. The thoughtless comments. The overall shallowness… I’m also realising what a fool I was to be such a giver of my time for many years, on many occasions. I have vastly reduced my ‘circle’ lately. Safe to say I’m happy with that. I think I have been pretty deluded with regards my thoughts on people in the past. Always giving the benefit of the doubt. More recently I realise many people have time when it’s convenient to them and don’t really care enough generally to make time if not convenient. I’ve chosen to not be a convenience. I’ve chosen to be busy myself when they can fit me in. I’ve chosen to walk this road pretty much alone. I’ve questioned my own past behaviour and although far from faultless I am very confident in realising I have always shown empathy and support. Confident I have always given my time, whether convenient, or not.
Much more importantly though I also learnt the love and appreciation and closeness of my husband doesn’t die. It continues to grow bigger and better and stronger with each passing day. Emptiness and longing continues to grow too as does the difficulty of going through the motions to live the best life under these plain awful circumstances. The bloody mindedness of me attempting daily to try my best to live a life my beautiful husband would want and expect me to live continues as well.
Never, ever, ever did I even contemplate being in this situation. Furthest thought from both our minds I think. But, here I am… pretty accepting of the facts. I’m on my own. I’m doing the best I know how. But I will never be the same person I was. I would never expect or want to be. I’ll keep going, course I will but I’ll always have the reunion affixed firmly as my driving force. As for concerns for the future, I don’t have any. The worst thing that could happen to me already did and this life is nothing but a journey to our intended final destination. A destination where dreams really do come true.
I’m sending my love to each and every one of you. I think about all of you daily regardless of my lack of contribution xxx