Still learning....

Losing a partner
#1

Hi you lovely, lovely people. I’ve taken a break from the forum for a few weeks and in those weeks I’m amazed to find that no matter our age we continue to learn! I always did love to learn but I’m not overly impressed with the more recent lessons I’ve been taught; Without boring you all and listing the full ten bells I’m realising the ignorance and sheer lack of understanding and empathy of many people. The presumptive nature of many. The ‘well meant’ actions. The thoughtless comments. The overall shallowness… I’m also realising what a fool I was to be such a giver of my time for many years, on many occasions. I have vastly reduced my ‘circle’ lately. Safe to say I’m happy with that. I think I have been pretty deluded with regards my thoughts on people in the past. Always giving the benefit of the doubt. More recently I realise many people have time when it’s convenient to them and don’t really care enough generally to make time if not convenient. I’ve chosen to not be a convenience. I’ve chosen to be busy myself when they can fit me in. I’ve chosen to walk this road pretty much alone. I’ve questioned my own past behaviour and although far from faultless I am very confident in realising I have always shown empathy and support. Confident I have always given my time, whether convenient, or not.

Much more importantly though I also learnt the love and appreciation and closeness of my husband doesn’t die. It continues to grow bigger and better and stronger with each passing day. Emptiness and longing continues to grow too as does the difficulty of going through the motions to live the best life under these plain awful circumstances. The bloody mindedness of me attempting daily to try my best to live a life my beautiful husband would want and expect me to live continues as well.

Never, ever, ever did I even contemplate being in this situation. Furthest thought from both our minds I think. But, here I am… pretty accepting of the facts. I’m on my own. I’m doing the best I know how. But I will never be the same person I was. I would never expect or want to be. I’ll keep going, course I will but I’ll always have the reunion affixed firmly as my driving force. As for concerns for the future, I don’t have any. The worst thing that could happen to me already did and this life is nothing but a journey to our intended final destination. A destination where dreams really do come true.

I’m sending my love to each and every one of you. I think about all of you daily regardless of my lack of contribution xxx

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#2

It’s good to have you back cw13. You put into words EXACTLY how I am feeling and am approaching each day. It helps so much reading your posts and saying , agree, agree, agree. Thank you for your eloquence! It helps a great deal. Cx

#3

Bless you Cristal. Sending you love and prayers for more good days and enough strength to deal with the not so good ones x

#4

Hi
I don’t comment on the forum very often but I read the wise words and try to gain some comfort from other who are facing the same pain as myself
Thank you for putting my thoughts exactly into words CW12 it’s good to hear someone is feeling the same
Moya x

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#5

Dear cw13
I love your post. I feel the same. You have worded it so well. Thank you so much, it really has brightened my day.
Sending you love - Julie xx

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#6

Hi cw13
I’ve thought for some time that we’ve been thrust into a period of intense learning. It’s learning by trial and error, and learning of necessity. We are learning how to survive, and then grow. We can’t rely on the old ways so we need new skills. Like you, it seems that the people I thought I could rely on are not all they seemed, but others have come to the fore.
I remember when my wife first got ill a lady called to see her and I didn’t know who she was as my wife had never spoken of her. She was a casual acquaintance and they’d known each other for years. This casual acquaintance called nearly every week and visited hospital and sat there while my wife was sleeping, often only seeing her awake for just moments.
Other people that my wife thought she knew well, and I was told much about them, were conspicuous by their absence. One that I assumed was amongst her closest friends didn’t visit for months, and then turned up the day before my wife died. I still don’t understand any of that, and I’m not sure that I can learn much from such complicated behaviours.
I think my most important learning point is how necessary it is to be self reliant. I’m afraid that may also lead to becoming even more selfish.

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#7

Hi, oh yes you are spot on and like you I never thought I would be here by myself. Learning curve is not a curve but a very big hill and someday I just want to curl up and forget that I have to keep climbing. People can be very thoughtless and need to think before they speak. I have left quite a few people alone because I can’t deal with what they say.
Keep smiling, blessings to you all. S

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#8

Thank you for these wise words cw13. They resonate with me in so many ways. Loss forces us to learn some hard lessons, some I had been avoiding for years. With each loss I learn more about myself and others. Some good, and some very hard to face. My recent loss was that of my beloved younger sister (anniversary date approaching next month). I have been further wounded by some people’s insensitive comments, the most painful when it came from those I considered close friends. I too reduced my circle, but in some instances I remained silently crying within, so not to lose the friendship. Sadly the people who made the remarks were clueless. We are so raw and vulnerable in our grief, how I wish people could see that and weigh their words and opinions more carefully. I say the same thing, “the worst has happened,” I lost the two most important people in my life, my Mom, then my precious Sister. I no longer put much faith in the early on promises to “always be there,” or the invitations to “reach out anytime, I am never too busy for you.” I learned to rely on myself, and if someone can be there for me when I need them, then I consider that a gift, and my gratitude is boundless. Yes the “reunion” is what will keep me going as well. Thank you again for sharing your most honest and insightful post. Welcome back to this special place. Xxx Sister2

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#9

Dear cw13, you’re so right, it certainly is a learning experience and one thing that’s become clear to me is how much courage it takes to just keep on going every day and in a way I take further courage from doing just that, if you see what I mean. Thank you for your invigorating and heartfelt post. It really helps. xxx

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