Hi Everyone,
Am I alone in feeling like after 7 years my life is still the same, the pain and loss is the same, I am not feeling better. I have had a year of counselling, and I have been busy as a lone parent raising our three children, (who were 4,7 and 8 at the time) working two jobs, studying but I still have an ache in my heart, and I don’t look forward to anything now my husband died. Every day is just another one to get through. I have no family support and this current lockdown means I am working my two jobs remotely and my school aged children are all at home with me, online homeschooling.
My life feels ruined by my husband’s death, as he has left me so much to manage on my own. I can’t admit this anywhere, but the pain is so bad I wonder why I met him and sometimes wish I hadn’t and my memories do not comfort me, they make me so sad he is not here.
Sorry for the down post, I just wondered whether I was alone in feeling like this?
Dear Ruthyb and Bristles. I’m so so sorry for you both. My mum is dying and that’s a different loss altogether. But this is not about me.
I cant say I know how this feels or the resentment of having to carry on and manage with life, finances, family etc on your own. My dear friend passed away with cancer but it’s the way his wife strives to continue to live that amazes me every day.
Yes she is broken beyond belief. Yes she is desperately sad and desolate I know and see that. BUT every day she still lives life like he is there and she doesnt want him to miss out! She goes to their favourite spot in Cornwall often, she plays his favourite music and listens to it together with him. She talks about him, she takes her family to that spot in Cornwall every year so they all holiday ‘together’. She tries her very very best to include him and love him every day.
I can imagine how dealing with children, work, shopping all the mundane stuff, bloody covid is crippling on your own. I wish you had help. Next time your beautiful children do something amazing try your very best not to be angry about your husband missing it, tell him, and be proud together. It’s the hardest thing I’m sure.
Thinking of you both in this lonely time sincerely.
Dear Bristles,
Thank you so very much for your kind words. They have really helped me yesterday and today. I am so very sorry that you too have lost your spouse, and I know what you mean about never being the person you once were. Thank you for accepting my feelings that I still have about missing my love. One of the biggest things I lost when he died was hope for a happy future. I am getting by and pretend to others that I am fine, but I know inside I was truly happy when he was alive and we were together. I feel I am doing a disservice as he wanted me to be happy. I try to be, and most of the time I pretend, going to work helps me put a mask on for others, but deep down I still miss him with an ache in my heart. I suppose I felt I should have ‘moved on’ by now, but the children growing have brought different challenges and I have not, just always trying to catch up.
Thank you Bristles, your wife sounded brilliant and I too wish for the magic wand to reunite you or to manage a better day. R x
Thank you Gill for your reply and kind words,
You have such a lovely heart and I am very sorry to hear your Mum is dying. It sounds awful that you are having so much to deal with, yet you truly admire your friend and how she keeps her late husband alive with their special places and remembering. Thank you for the including him if the children do something to be proud of, that is a good idea and I shall try that.
Hope you are managing to look after yourself, as it sounds like you look after others alot and have a kind heart.
Bristles how dreadfully traumatic your life has been and how cruel to you. I said to my partner that life is sht, I do not hold any value to mine at all. You experience childhood which is not always great, you live to work and work to live and still these huge sht storms are thrown at us. You can barely believe what you have possibly have done to deserve it all.
BUT what you do have in common both of you is you are STILL here making your partners proud every day that you get through each 24 hours. You are living for the both of you and they definitely wont want you to join them any time soon.
I’m not or never will say things will get better because even if it does I’m sure you wont even notice. It’s a crushing pain in the chest and heart isnt it. Makes you feel like you cant take that much needed deep breath or first step out of the dark. Maybe one day we will believe we can step out the tornado and even if it’s just stepping into a huge black storm even that would be something im sure.
Keep doing whatever it is your doing, you may feel like you arent moving an inch but wont notice the fraction of a millimetre you have already travelled.
Dear Ruthyb. Half my problem is I DO have a kind heart. I’m a foster carer for ex residential troubled teenagers. After a day of gut wrenching crying for my mum I then had to put on my responsible caring adult face and talk my drunken 17 and a half year old foster girl down from a bridge last night. So so hard today when I felt like I could join her and almost angry that she had that option of wanting out.
I also work in a special needs school where I’m in awe of the parents who manage severely disabled children every day. I work with the teenagers who struggle every day with their anger at being different. BUT the one person I want to help I cant.
I really feel your pain of coping on your own but you ARE coping even though you may not see it. When you’re children are old enough they will be eternally grateful for how you kept it together for THEM. when you yourself were broken.
Well I have to say i understand that completely. If I didnt have my children I’d join my mum in a heartbeat. No question of that. I wish I could say the right thing to you. But I’m sure theres no right words. Your wife sounds like a lovely woman. How very lucky you were to have found your soul mate. Biggest of hugs for you x
Dear Ruthyb
Firstly let me say I am so sorry for your loss, it must be so difficult to care for 3 kids and do 2 jobs, it’s any wonder you are worn down. My beloved husband passed away 8 months ago and I’m very raw still, but I want to give you a name of a wonderful life coach who has a page on Facebook or YouTube and he deals with a different ways to handle grief. He himself has lost a son, a daughter and his wife. He is rather wonderful and I have found a lot of comfort through listening to him, he has also written 3 books on the subject. His name is Tom Zuba, Google him and maybe he might be able to help you with your grief. Bless you and take care, Margarita x
@Ruthyb I think this will be me in the future. Thank you for being honest and not giving us the same old BS.
I really wish you can find some joy somehow in something but it is a struggle when your dream came true and then it’s gone… there is no solution is there except for getting new dreams and that feels pointless…