Still so difficult

Hi,

It’s now 6 months since my husband died, I still don’t understand it and find it so difficult to believe it’s happened, I’m surrounded by people but still feel lonely as they can’t take his place, i feel scared of the future and scared that this awful emptiness is my life now for the rest of my life.

I’m usually such a positive person but this is the first tine I’ve not been able to come up with a solution to make things better.

All the people around me still have there partners so have moved on with there life’s really, I feel like I’m grieving alone now, it’s so hard having jobs that I need to do that my husband used to take care off when I haven’t a clue.

I did at first I thing get signs from my husband but nothing lately which makes me feel he’s moved on as well.

Sorry my thoughts, not a good day today.

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Hi there.
I too feel the same - It is two and a half years since I lost my husband and people rarely mention him now. I was 51 when my husband died at the age of 55. Most of my friends still have their partners and never bother much now. They think I am ok with it all now due to the time passed but I am not. Christmas is coming and it will be the third year without him and it is agony. It does get a bit better and you (believe it or not) do get used to the loneliness. All I can say is keep going. It is early days for you but that raw feeling does get ever so less, very slowly. One day at a time xx

Flower Garden you are certainly not on your own. I am a year on this journey. Usually a strong person and fiercely independent. How frustrated my husband used to get with me. He said he had never met a woman like me. Feeling scared, useless, now a worrier is now part and parcel of my life now. A solution to make things better. If only…
Your not grieving alone, we are all here with you all feeling the same emotions. I have been told there is no cut off for grief it just slips away slowly.
I had signs and visitations regularly from my husband but nothing for a couple of months. Except for last week and I visited the grave of a beloved Aunt of his. She had passed away and non of his family thought to let me know. I have just found out months after her death We was very close for thirty years and I was upset but as I left the cemetery a lone white feather fluttered down in front of me and then a Robin landed by my side. Was this a sign from them, I hope so. So keep looking.
Pat

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Hello, I am so sorry for your loss and I know exactly what you mean. I lost my husband five years ago. The only two people I know who have lost their husbands are much older than me, all my friends of years ago still have their husbands. Our friends, who lived next door to us when we married in 1967 are still happily married, they were married on the same day as us, and when they celebrated their Golden Wedding anniversary in 2017, my Peter had died three years before. They moved away a few years ago. I feel so jealous, I think it is because my friends are all my age, we were all teenagers from the same era, the 60’s and they are going abroad on their holidays for months at a time. I sometimes meet up with some friends I used to work with before I retired 17 years ago for a meal, but they are also still married and all they talk about is their holidays, their weekends away and it hurts, because that should be me and Peter. I have got used to going out alone but there is only so many shops you can look in, so many cafes you can have coffee in.

Sheila xx

People just don’t understand how their words can hurt us. I meet a woman when out with the dogs. A really nice lady but all she talks about is what she is doing that day with her husband, where they are going, how they stop for a meal, things that Brian and I used to do even visiting the same places. Recently her husband had to have a routine day op and she went on and on about it. I’m sorry to say I couldn’t help myself and told her “At least you have your husband still with you”.
Pat xxx

Hi Sheila
I know exactly what you mean. I too feel envious. I sometimes think ‘just wait until it happens to you’. Then I feel terrible as I would not wish this on anyone. I am having a long weekend from work and they were all saying at work 'I bet you are looking forward to being off…ehh… no why would I, as I will just be on my own as all my friends have partners and work…it is a very lonely life…I said to one of my friends the other day that I was having a bad day and she asked ‘why what’s wrong’ ?? I just said oh just one of those days, The drama is now over for them, but we still have to live with the loneliness and pain xx

The year after my Peter died I had to go to the GP’s for my 'flu jab. I had worked at that Health Centre for nearly 20 years and knew all the staff and they had known my husband as the GP’s there were his doctors. Whilst I was waiting, one of the nurses came up to me and asked me how I was, she knew Peter had died the year before, I said, I am plodding along, living day to day and then she said, and I could not believe it, ‘Are you enjoying the single life then’. I could have cheerfully slapped her. I thought, what the hell is wrong with you, you stupid woman,
It is four years since that happened and I cannot bear to even look at her now, I always request another nurse.

I feel the same. It has been two months since I lost my husband suddenly. He was only 48. I’m 50. People all around me have continuing lives as they should. But to see posts on social media celebrating anniversaries, birthdays and just life together not only is it incredibly sad to see, it also makes me incredibly angry and jealous.

it is 18 months this coming Tuesday since Alan passed away, I came off social media for the exact same reason you state, I didn’t want to see it read about what others were doing It was May when he passed and the last thing I wanted to read about was the holidays and outings everyone was enjoying during the summer months and it was a hot and sunny summer too, I signed out of social media there and then, the Christmas celebrations were equally too much, so I deactivated my account.
it was only yesterday that I felt strong enough to reactivate it, even then I went through my settings to prevent pop ups from ‘friends’ who I know regularly post their whole lives for the world to see .

it is still very very raw for you and I can understand completely how upsetting seeing posts of others enjoying their lives, it was equally upsetting to see close family nembers posting celebrations during the 11 days between Alan’s passing and his funeral, then in the following weeks too. as though he never mattered to them. I don’t think they realised how upsetting it was for me and all they were doing in their eyes was living their own lives.

doesn’t make it any easier though does it?☆ just take each day at a time, do what helps you through these dark days. if necessary take it one step at a time. it does ease as the time passes, may not feel as though it would as we live through our grief, because live through it is all we can do. my bad days are less frequent now oh I still have them but the better days are increasing slowly.
take care lovely lady ☆

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today ☆

blessings
Jen☆

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Hi. FG.
I’m so sorry that you feel as you do. You have posted before and you seemed to have got a little better. But grief is what I call the ‘YO YO effect’. Up and down until it finally levels off. You will never forget, none of us will, but it often happens that we get a glimpse of that elusive light at the end of the tunnel. I can tell by your posts you are not the giving up sort. But it is hard going.
If you go looking for answers and solutions you may well finish up disappointed and that can lead to despair, a very exhausting emotion. I still feel 6 months is not long. It may seem an eternity but so often it takes longer than that to begin to feel just a little peace.
Try not to be afraid. Anxiety will surely accompany grief. You won’t always feel this way. Honest!! But, like most of us we need make the effort. Nothing can allow us to go back and the only real way is forward. It’s a hard and often a long journey and the road is full of potholes, but it is possible to find some peace.
Take care and remember we are always here if you want to talk. It’s what communities are about. Blessings.

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Hi you are the first that’s saying exactly what I’m feeling the emptiness the disbelief it’s coming up for second anniversary of my husband’s death and I’ve still not processed it in my mind.i know what you mean about everyone having their partners I feel jealous and angry. I’ve been through different stages in these two years but still feel confused and so alone even though I have great family support its sitting alone at night. I’m sorry I don’t have answers I don’t think there are any just time passing day after day thinking it will get better. I wish you well hopefully one day this grief will pass.

You sound just like me I lost my soulmate at Christmas and cannot stand seeing all that on social media how has our life become like this ? Xx

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Why bother with social media. I don’t have it or want it. Never have. I’m not interested in other peoples lives and certainly don’t want the world and it’s mother knowing my private business (who would want to know anyway). If people want to contact me they can ring or come and see me otherwise an e-mail.
Get away from it until you feel stronger at least. Why put yourself through more pain, you have enough to get your head around as it is. Don’t overload.
Good luck
xx

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Hi Flower garden (lovely username) 3 Months today since my beautiful wife Peñny :heart: Passed away on 6th November 2019 such a shock as Penny :heart: was diagnosed with Mets Breast Cancer she didn’t she had. 21 days after diagnosis in October. Aged 67. We were married on the 5th June 1971 (48 wonderful years) Penny :heart: was always the Strong one in our marriage. I have prostate cancer I now have to struggle with it by myself fill so guilty for what has gone on in the last year after my diagnosis this time last year. Also had 2 losses to Cancer just before Penny :heart: passed away one Funeral on my own birthday in September and one in July 2019 .

Hi Graham, I think that grief us one if the buggest Traumas we can go through, I think the loss of you4 spouse is so Raw because there your constant companion, at least in a way our spouses were spared feeling like this by going first, I liken the way I feel at times to “shell shock”I think it takes a little a long, long time to be able to function again, I am 8 months along, I go to work, I do the chores, I go out socially, our home has become very important, I feel relaxed and at ease, so instead of a holiday I am going to do some home improvements, I’m better then I was at the beginning, still get bad days but I’m functioning again, for me time is healing but I know I will always carry the sadness within me, I believe when I die I will be reunited with my husband again so I see it as a temporary parting, all I can really say to you is to sleep when you can, eat whatever you fancy, and know that what you are feeling us normal and these emotions do fail off to a more acceptable level.

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I just passed two year anniversary at Christmas I felt very low the run up to and Christmas itself it doesn’t get any easier you just get more used to being on your own even though you have family and friends once your home it’s just you it’s not just social media it’s everywhere telly people on bus at the gym I just wanted to run away but I still have Eddie’s mum so couldn’t leave her I dread it more each year hope things improve for you life is just not fair at times being robbed of your plans and dreams for retirement x

After 2 years it doesn’t get any easier.
Whoever said time is a great healer is a liar.
I struggle through every painful, pointless day.
Like you we’ve lost all our longed for retirement.
The only reason I struggle on is to look after our elderly dog and because I don’t want my family to suffer anymore.
I wish I could say something to help but other than letting you know you’re not alone feeling like this , I can’t. Wishing you well Sadme. .

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Sorry Same. I haven’t replied as I have just got off landline as Cruse Bereavement had phoned me. Just a complete Shock out of the blue I was the one who we thought had the cancer not my Beautiful Penny :heart: I was having Radiotherapy Treatment just as I finished Penny :heart: was then ill diagnosed with Mets Breast Cancer in October and passed away on the 06 November 2019. Just 21 days after diagnosis. I feel for you as you say life is so cruel at times and different to deal with when have little problems in our lives we had one another to help use get by due

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Sorry Sadme had a call as I chatted as I was saying due that old saying love. That’s what it is love and that is what hurts it’s taken away over night. Thinking of you . Kind Regards. x

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