Still so hard

It’s been 14 months now since I lost my amazing husband Philip. Still the pain and heartbreak is there, I get through the days because I have to, the pain and longing to hear his key in the door never subsides. He was taken so suddenly and without warning I constantly ask myself could I have done more, should I have seen more signs even though truthfully I know the answer is I did everything I could it doesn’t make it any easier.
I come onto this site and read with tears flowing how all you lovely people have lost someone and it helps, I have a wonderful family full of support, but I don’t think they truly understand how heartbroken I am. The pieces just don’t fit together any more, the jigsaw will never be complete again that one piece will always be missing.
Some days are ok and I’m proud that I’ve got through without tears, but then without warning that big black cloud descends and I feel like I’ve lost him all over again.
I wonder around the house and see his face always causing mischief and whilst it brings me comfort it’s also heartbreaking. I know my girls want me to move closer to them but I’m not ready to make that move yet, maybe in time who knows.
Will it ever get any easier and I will laugh again like I used to with my darling Philip, truthfully I really don’t know.
Sending love and hugs to you all, stay strong.


Hi @Jools4 so sorry to hear of your loss.

Sudden death is just horrible. It’s really hard to process. It can feel impossible that someone central to our lives can just go. The shock, confusion and maybe even anger makes it really tough.

I’ve not lost a partner I lost my Mum who died completely suddenly with no warning. Like you I spent some time wondering if there were signs that were missed or of there was a reality that could’ve existed without her being taken away. The whatifs are your brain and heart trying to make sense of what’s happened. We do this because we’re trying to make sense of a terrible situation and misplaced guilt can kick in.

In time I’ve learnt not to let the whatifs haunt me. I am 100% sure you did whatever you think was best with the information that you had at the time. You did all you could. Ryan

Hi Ryan, thank you for your kind and logical words. I hope in time I will be able to see it that way. I am lucky enough to be first aid trained and that kind of took over that night and I know I at least gave him a chance.
I lost my dad a few years ago so I know how hard it is to also lose a parent. Hopefully in time we will all be able to face those dark days with a smile again. Take care. Jools

1 Like

Hi i lost my wife 2 months ago and now just starting greiving process. Nobody unless they have been through it understands, all i want to do is talk about her and last few weeks of her life, and before, but family and few freinds tire of listening. Dont really know what the answer is.

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. It’s early days for you. I totally agree no one knows or understands the pain unless they have been through a loss, and I know how much it means to talk about our loved ones. I am so glad I came onto this site somewhere to talk to people who understand the pain and the need to talk about our loved ones. I don’t think there are any answers we are all different and we each find a way of getting through the tough days, but know there is always someone to listen, it just doesn’t feel like it sometimes does it. I have found this site a great comfort in my dark days and the support from everyone is truly amazing, I hope you too find comfort from it. Stay strong.