Hi Everyone. its my first post here so sorry it might feel like a bleak one. I lost my wonderful civil partner July 2021 after a reoccurrence of cancer, only 6 months after an all clear. She then died within 4 weeks of us finding out it was back. Whilst I am functioning much better than I did in the earlier months, ie eating, going out, took up new interests and trying to keep in contact with old friends and make new, underneath it all I still struggle to feel like its worthwhile carrying on and find motivation to embrace a new life without her. I take anti depressants, have had counselling on and off for most of the time Ive been on my own, have friends I can talk to although things are very difficult with my family, who largely feel I should be ‘moving on’. We were together for 37 years, largely the majority of my adult life and both close family and friends do not live nearby. Its not that I explicitly want to harm myself just that I wish I would quietly and painlessly slip away because I find being without my soulmate so unbearable and painful. No doubt the fact that its New Years Eve is making things feel harder, (I shall be in alone) and I have absolutely no desire to hurt my family but I often find it so, so hard to want to get through another day. I have read a lot about grief so know these feelings can be common, try to do things I’ve previously enjoyed on my own (painting and pottery), but really struggle to find that desire to look forward to anything and not be overwhelmed with sadness about the future. I try to stay in the present but when its a bad day find it hard not to think this is how it will always be.
Does anyone else feel the same? How do you manage keeping going?
Thanks for reading if you are and Im sorry you to find yourself in this horrible place. Take care x
Hi @Trying-hard
I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. You are ahead of me in time so I’m not sure I can help much but just knowing that you can come here to express how you feel may help.
As you have said, living in the moment is probably the best way but I’m afraid I don’t have any wisdom to offer.
Maybe thinking of what your darling partner would appreciate you achieving could be something. Were there any plans you had for home / garden you could do ‘for her?’ I know that is my best motivation as I do things I think would have made my husband proud. I cry when I do them but you can’t have everything! 
Thank you Karen. I hope me being farther ahead doesn’t make things feel worse for you. Ive accepted life can never be the same but would just like to feel I want more of it even if just a little!
I have done things my partner wanted me to carry on with and I know she definitely wanted me to go on I just wish I could find a little peace. Be more grateful for the wonderful relationship we had and try harder to do her proud. Just so hard to find the energy at times. Ive read your profile and want to say so sorry for you loss. Im a year older than you and my partner died a few days after her 68th Birthday, but Im sure like you you assumed you had many more years together and adjusting to not having that isn’t easy. Sending you a hug Karen
Thanks @Trying-hard
No, don’t think anything anyone posts here makes it harder as we are all on our own paths in this dreadful situation, even though there are so many similarities. Yes, I had thought we had many more years together as Richard was the strong one and apparently very fit and well. Equally, I KNOW he would have hated to not be so, which does at least help me to not wish him that sort of life.
He valued himself for what he could do. Of course my daughters and I valued far, far more about him that that but he didn’t.
I do hope you find some peace.
I wonder whether this time of year is having a draining effect on your strength to carry on. I know the emotions of Christmas and New Year have made it more difficult for me and have triggered more tears and regrets for me.
I too have this constant underlying sadness. I lost my H in April 21. For the first year I feel I walked in fog. I still have feelings like you of what is the point. I feel like I go through the motions but there is no joy in anything. I smile at the right time but I get home and he’s not there. I miss him constantly and always will. I go a day at a time and wonder what I will do with rest of my life and how worth while it will be. Some people have great purpose. I feel I’m wandering without a rudder with no direction x
So sorry @Nel x
I fluctuate from day to day and some days I feel so empty. Others I’m coping better and my daughters and their lives / needs are another purpose for me. My older one gets married next August and my younger gone still needs a LOT of support so I HAVE to keep going for them.
Thanks Nel. A rudder with no direction, is just how it feels or rudderless! The coming home is so hard yet I can feel desperate to get home sometimes after being with others. You know, that lonely in a crowd feeling. I do have my better days but then I can feel overwhelmed by sadness because I can’t share it with her. I find not being able to share what’s happening, what Im thinking, making plans together all that normal stuff so painful being without. I feel she was emotionally much stronger than me and would have coped better if things had been reversed but obviously not something I will ever know. And apart from feeling sorry for myself I feel such sadness at what she can no longer do and didn’t deserve not to do. I’m sure we cal all identify with that. Anyway sending you a hug too.
I feel the same as all of you. I couldn’t have expressed it better.X
At least on the site we can be honest and know that others feel the same. Wishing everyone peace and purpose in the new year x
Yes I hope that for everyone too.
I don’t think I’ll ever be peaceful again. I feel like I’m constantly either trying to find something or avoiding something. It’s exhausting but I do hope that peace comes to all of us sometime soon.
There is nothing I can say other than I get it and feel the same and I am hoping it helps to know that there are others who get it. I know it helps me to hear that others who have lost a soulmate understand. Friends and family although supportive cant get it and I get very irritated when they dont appear to appreciate their partners. Even though I am functioning better than I was earlier (I am nine months into this nightmare) everyday things feel like being on a seesaw - all the stuff that happened so effortlessly and easily when my husband was on the other side of the seasaw is now such hsrd work with me pushing up and down on my own.
Hi Trying hard. My partners been gone just over a year now and although I have family close by and a great friend who drives over once a week to see me I spend an awful lot of time alone especially in the evenings.I have only lived where I am now for 6 months and don’t know anyone here.I’m retired so have a lot of time on my hands.I have no plans to harm myself but often think if this is what I’ve got to look forward to ,is it all worth it. Like you I sometimes go to bed with the thought that I wouldnt be bothered if I didnt wake in the morning. I seemed to loose all confidence when she passed away apart from loosing any interest in anything but lately Ive decided that this cant go on and have found the confidence and made the effort to explore activities in my area in an effort to make new friends. Its early days .I’ll have to see how that works out. Best wishes to you.
Thanks Heather. The see saw analogy is so completely apt. Like you also I just can’t cope with hearing people with their partners bicker over the most trivial things and want to scream ‘FFS’ how lucky are you.
Hi @Heather51
Yes, I hate it when people complain about their other half. We didn’t argue a lot anyway and certainly appreciated each other so at least I don’t beat myself up that I was like that with my husband.
The seesaw makes sense to me too. It’s all such an effort alone isn’t it?
x
I agree - my husband and I appreciated every moment together and I know I was lucky to have had such a love but in comparison it makes everything without him meaningless
I always hated hearing people complain about their husbands even before I lost mine. I was lucky enough to be very happily married and tried never to complain because I knew that, one day, I’d give anything to have them and their annoying habits back. I think that happens a lot when you get older and hear of other people losing someone. You start appreciating everything and everyone much more.
i feel exactly like you. Every thing has been so empty since my husband passed away. i try to mingle and join in things,but its incredibly hard at the moment. New Year seems scary to face all alone.
Hello teresa6
I dont know how recent it is since you lost your husband ,for me its just over a year since my lovely partner passed away. Although realising that I would never get over it I thought after several months that I had at least come to terms with her loss but then perhaps 6 months after she went it hit me all over again.6 months on from then and now the grief comes and goes. Im pretty sure if I just spend the rest of my life watching daytime tv she wouldnt be best pleased with me so as I said previously, although I found it really difficult to look for other options, I am trying to find something else to spend my time doing. I’m so sorry for your loss. Everyone on this group is facing the same thing . I’ve struggled and had to force my way through it as I’m sure you are. 35 years ago when my dad died I thought how well my mum was coping but now I know what its like to loose someone that close Im not so sure she was coping as well as I thought. Ive got very good at putting up a front so as not to worry other people. I think a lot of us tend to do that. Best wishes to you and please continue to use this site to vent if you need to or as I have on mamy occasions just to put down your thoughts to people that understand.
I feel i need to force myself to join in.i feel i was better a few weeks ago but last few days iv went backwards. Its just so hard i miss my partner so so much.i know its only been 6 weeks.