Strange behavior

After I lost my 24yrd son. Something strange happened. He died unexpectedly in a car crash. (Long story). Over 400 people came to his funeral. My wife and myself had a very big circle of friends. All of which attended the funeral. 6 months later there was an inquest. After the inquest all of our friends disappeared. It was almost as if they had dropped of the earth. I totally get that people don’t know what to say to you. So they prefer to avoid you. But in some instances these were friends I have had for 30 and 40 years. People I,d grown up with. Attended weddings watched their children grow up. Been on holiday with ECT ECT. But every lady one of them stayed away and have never returned. My wife and myself don’t have a single friend from before my son died. It was very very hard for us trying to understand this behavior. It’s now coming up to 6 years since he died and we no longer see any of these people. We basically had to start again from scratch. It wasn’t for the want of trying on our part. In the early days we tried to keep in touch with friends but you could tell they just felt totally uncomfortable to be anywhere near us and so stayed away. I don’t class any of them S friends anymore. To much time has past. I remember mentioning it to someone who had also lost a child once and he said. Yep that happens me and my wife lost all our friends. Has anyone else experienced this

Hi Jim
I haven’t personally lost a child, but I understand completely what you say about “friends” disappearing. I lost my dearly beloved gran very suddenly a few weeks ago, she was like a second mum to me. Like you, I have found that suddenly people who I thought were friends have vanished into thin air. I don’t have the energy to chase them and it hurts that people I considered friends, haven’t checked in at all over the past 4wks. I wonder if people are frightened of saying the wrong thing, of mentioning loved ones names incase it upsets you. I guess the longer people leave it, the easier it is to just continue that and basically not come back.

I think to myself that I would never do that to any of my friends as they have to me, but I guess we are all different people. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I get where you’re coming from. I am so sorry for your loss.

Take care.

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Thanks for your response mumoftwo. Sorry for your loss. Yes you are so rite. People really do not know what to say. They are probably frightened of upsetting you. It’s early days for you and hopefully your friends will soon get past this and be there for you. It’s totally understandable that people walk on eggshells. But for me I totally gave up on all the people I thought were friends after the 3rd year of no contact. It’s quite sad really . Hopefully it won’t be the same for you

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Dear Jim, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved son and the loss of your friends.

I lost my daughter three years ago and have been lucky in that our friends have been amazing, he,d me while I sobbed and never stopped seeing me. With the exception of one, friends whom I had known for over 20 years, we were very close and I am godmother to their eldest son. When I rang them to let them know about my daughter, a few weeks after we had lost her, she said ‘oh I’m sorry to hear that. Thank you for telling us’. It was so awkward and I have never heard from them again. I don’t know why and have never found the confidence to phone or write again. So hurtful.
When we lost Gemma, my GP said to me ‘you will be a different person now, this will have changed you and people will have to get used to the new you’. I think that is true but surely true friends will gladly do that?
I think maybe to lose a child is every parents worst nightmare and there we are … right in front of their eyes. I hope you have been able to make new friends but it’s not always easy. xxx

Thank you so much for your reply Victoria. You are so so so rite . My wife isn’t my son’s biological mother but had known him since he was 4yrd. But the amount of times I have said to her. I’m a different person now. It definitely changes you. As for the friends situation. I didn’t see that coming. I couldn’t understand it for a long time. I genuinely thought it would be the one time my true friends would show their metal. How wrong I was. One couple we had know since school days, 45 yrs or so. And quite a few other couples for 30 years or more. Then there was was individual male friends who I’d grown up with, had a million nights out with. When my boy died all of them came to the hospital and the funeral. But when I stop and think. I don’t think a single one of them came to the house or rang me ever since that day. One couple turned up at the house the day after the inquest. Came in , sat down and asked how we had gotten on at the inquest. I told them and then they immediately turned their backs on me and started talking to my wife about a new caravan they’d bought. They got up and left. I’ve never seen them since. I Have made new friends. But it still hurts that people I’ve grown up with treat me like a leper. Sorry to hear about your daughter. I’m sure there isn’t a day goes by when she isn’t on your mind. It’s a terrible terrible thing that we have to live with. You can’t help but think even after all this time. Is there something you could have done. I remember a woman I new said to me once. I Know what you are going through. My son has left home and he hasn’t been in touch for coming up to two months now so I Know how you feel :joy::joy::joy::thinking:. Thanks again for your reply. Appreciate it. :+1: