Its two and a half months since i lost my best friend my gorgeous mum. Im not crying every morning now… but the tears are there every day. Im so stressed out about everything my dad mainly…hes not changing his clothes. He wont let me help in the house with anyting. He wont leave the house. He wont go to the drs…im running out of patience and getting to the point where i dont want to go to his house anymore. Which makes me look evil. Hes v v stubborn. I end up in tears driving home after being at his house…life is difficult and im at a loss i feel like im not thinking straight… miss my mum loads and would do anything to be in her arms again.
Oh I so empathise with you. My precious mum died in July from vascular dementia and although I’m calmer than I was, I’ve needed to get meds. from the doctor to stop myself from going mad. My anxiety levels and physical symptoms of grief were so, so awful! My dad is an amazingly strong and brave man but he is devastated and it’s so hard to watch his pain. He doesn’t want to be here without mum. He’s also developed macular degeneration now and can hardly see anymore, so distracting him is so difficult. I’ve got brothers and sisters and we try to make sure he sees ‘someone’ nearly every day, but if you’re trying to manage on your own it’s much harder. I too desperately need to talk everything through with my mum and have her reassurance and the thought that I’ll never be with her again breaks my heart. I try to think that if it hurts me so much, it must be even worse for my dad. They were married for 61 years. I don’t have any magic answers for you I’m afraid, but two and a half months is very, very early days. I feel like I’m nagging my dad all the time and try very hard just to get him to do just one small job when I go, even if it’s to change his food stained jumper!! Be gentle with yourself and him and just take tiny, tiny steps. Thinking of you.
Julie P
Dear devastated I’m very sorry for your loss and having lost my husband coming up a year now I think this gives me unique insight to how your dad is feeling. I realize you are both in pain but the dynamic is completely different not that one is more than the other but it’s different. Firstly it’s so early my love no doubt you are both in shock whether your mums death was expected or not it’s irrelevant the reality of your situation has yet to sink in,this takes time I know as even a year down the line I still find my husbands death has a surreal quality about it. My family wanted to move at there pace and I know it comes from a place of concern and love but you must allow time for yourself and your dad I expect your both in shock you both need to do things at your own pace which will be different you are both different people, different generations. Now he may be neglectful of person care etc but given what he is going through does it matter at the moment? especially as the only thing you are doing is stressing yourself which will probably make you ill. I think at this stage you can only take some time for yourself maybe counselling would help you to put things into perspective and help you find a way to connect with your dad.Grieving is like nothing else in this world and when it is someone we love deeply adjusting to being without them is very very difficult and on going, it’s baby steps for both of you for awhile each of you unfortunately will have to take this journey alone only supporting each other when your ready. I know it’s hard but please try to understand it from your dads point of view I don’t go out much because I’m still very emotional perhaps he is frightened of breaking down in the street plus seeing people in there happy bubble is a reminder of what he no longer has, discovering his new normal is a mammoth task at this moment in time and it’s scary so please try to be patient and take a step back if you need to xx
Hi Folks, I hope you don’t mind me butting in on this conversation. I can sympathise a lot with what you are all going through…It is a quiet pain that is tearing me apart. I was a carer for my little old mum, she had been bed bound after a stroke that incapacitated her. She also had vascular dementia due to heart issues. She passed away on November 6th, alone in hospital in the early hours of a sunday. she had numerous chest infections and pnumonias, which eventually took her.
I am 52 years old single with only a tenuous relationship with an elder brother and sister…my sister was expelled from the Gestapo for cruelty (A bit harsh on her in reality…but she never once helped or supported or criticised) so I found myself no longer a carer, out of the job market for so long that it is not going to be easy at my time of life to become employable, and whatever familial or friendship support that was there has no long gone. I am grieving in bursts, brave one day then weepy and frightened. Yesterday I visited the crematorium and blubbed non stop…I have a few guilt issues to work through, there were times when I was so run down and exhausted that I was unpleasant to her…and the final straw for me was I was far too distraught to look after her for the last few days of her life …she went into hospital on her own, probably terrified and confused, and then she was left in a side room to die on her own. She was not looked after well, washed or changed properly and I let the staff now about my concerns to no avail.
I don’t drive and the hospital is an hours bus journey from my home so I had to leave her on a Saturday afternoon to get home…and that is something I regret. it is early days I have been told and still raw. Joining a group is not something that I am to good at…I am awaiting for CRUSE counselling on a 1 to 1 basis…there I can explain and rationalize my pain. It is a physicaly as well as a psychological pain. Dry mouth, nausea, deep social anxiety and just a deep longing and emptiness (if that makes sence?)
The pain will never go away, but with time I hope it is alleviated a bit…everything is hard work. Places we use to go to I find I am avoiding.
I am thinking to myself that at 52 I have a possible 30 odd years of this isolation and heartache to go before my time comes. so I will need to off load in a practical way and I think 1 to 1 counselling may be the starting of it, particularly the guilt and the low confidence. Though even thinking about a future is too much…I can feel the tears working away now…you are lucky if you have supportive family and friends, but for me…
Thanks for letting me vent things here.
Dave
Hi Julie. Thanks for your reply… you are definitely right. I know how bad I am feeling my dad must be feeling loads worse… my parents were inseparable they were married nearly 50 years. It is still early days and I suppose I just need to not let things stress me out and be there for my dad as much as I can…Thanks again and I’m also thinking of you at this very difficult time x
Thank you for replying…my mum’s death was unexpected. And it was such a shock for us all. I was only speaking to my mum the night before on the phone. If only I had known that was the last time I would have been over to her house like a shot… big hugs to you Aquarius I can’t imagine what you are going through…big hugs I’m thinking of you x
Hi David. .I know how u feel I have 2 children and my dad but I honestly feel v alone…I’m trying to deal with my grief and finding it hard to put on a brave face for my children…Please try not to feel guilty it sounds like you did a lot for your mum… The nhs is another story but that’s not your fault… I’m also avoiding certain places I use to go to with my mum…its just too upsetting. .stay strong David x
thank you