Struggling 1 year on

[Lucyxxx]

Hi all,
Im new here and dont really know why i am here or where to start.
I am not very good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words so if i ramble on please forgive me.

I lost my partner of 24 years last april suddenly and unexpectedly and im really really struggling.

To everyone else i seem to be doing ok, they all comment on how strong i am but behind the mask i really am not.

He was my entire world, apart from our child he was all i had.
He held everything together, he held me together.
Without him, i am nothing.

The pain and stress of trying to carry on is now having an impact on my health.
My anxiety has worsened to the point where i am having constant heart palpitations and am so so tired all the time.
I have been to the drs, had tests done, everything is normal, but i cant shake the feeling that the same thing is going to happen to me that happened to him.

He was healthy and active up until that morning when he didnt wake up.

I dont know why i am writing all this, i think its just to get it all out, i dont know.
I just feel so alone in it all. I am surrounded by family and friends but a year on i feel like everyone is sick of me going on about him and expecting me to just get on with it, especially given how well our son is coping.

I just dont know how to shake this feeling, i am in no way feeling any suicidal thoughts or feelings, i would never ever do that to our child and family, i just dont know how to, not so much move on with my life, i dont want anyone else, i just want to be able to live my life for him and our son without this massive feeling of dread i have looming over me.
Again, i dont know what im expecting from writing this post, maybe its just the thought of i am not alone in this.

[Johnr]

Lucy you are definitely not alone. I lost my wife nearly 9 weeks ago and to say I am devastated is an understatement.

We had been together 60 years and our would have celebrated our 58 wedding anniversary in September.

I am also struggling. My family and friends have been wonderful, but I am stuck in a cycle of sobbing my heart out and trying to do little jobs. I have just been trimming some hedges in our front garden. Could hear my wife telling me I was doing it wrong as she was the gardener not me. My neighbours must have thought was a bit strange as I was talking to someone and crying at the same time.

You mention ‘behind the mask’, so I guess you probably say you are ok when people ask how you are. I used to say that in the first week or so, but now I tell them exactly how I am feeling, when asked. Some days, I may not be too bad, so that’s what I say.

A death of a partner, particularly one you have loved for many years, is a really difficult thing.

Grief is the price you pay for love.

Don’t let anybody tell you how to act or ‘get on with it’. They have no idea.

You take care and look after yourself and son❤️

‘

[Lucyxxx]

Thank you so much for your reply, its a comfort that im not alone in this even though it feels that way sometimes.
I do tend to tell most people that im ok, but those closest to me i tell the truth, that i really am struggling.
I am so very sorry that you have lost your wife i do hope you have people around you also.
I talk to my partner all the time so you definitely are not alone there.
Look after yourself also and thank you again for replying

[Johnr]

Thanks Lucy. I do have family and friends, but I’m currently at a stage where I want to avoid them.

Whenever my family visit or Facetime, I spend a couple of hours after they’ve gone sobbing my heart out.

I am seeing a doctor tomorrow to see if she can give me anything to help with depression and lack of sleep. She was my wife’s doctor so is fully aware of her medical history.

I have made up my mind to move back to as soon as I can sort out things where I currently live. I wanted to for years, but my wife didn’t. I suspect she didn’t want to move away from the consultants who looked after her.

Now she’s passed, there’s nothing to keep me here. The majority of my friends live in South Wales and my wife’s ashes are interred in the Rogerstone church where we got married.

I am sure a move will keep me occupied enough to perhaps ease my struggles.

Take care