Hi I’m new here. I hope you all are doing as ok as you can. I lost my husband, Nick, in November, it’s been 37 weeks. I’m really struggling. I feel panicked most of the time. And just so so sad. Nick was a gentle, easy going, loving husband. He was the best of us. He shouldn’t have been taken, it should’ve been me.
We’d been told in October that the cancer had spread to his liver and spine. Then 8 days after his 49th birthday he couldn’t walk from the car to the house without being out of breath. We were told to go to a&e and Nick insisted on driving himself. We were in there 28 hours before they confirmed it was pneumonia and they eventually got him a bed on the ward. I went home to get some rest and his things. The nurse called me at 8.30am to say you need to come back.
When I got there he couldn’t focus on me, he was on full oxygen and he couldn’t squeeze my hand. The consultant said there was nothing else could be done. Nick passed away at 11am. I was holding his hand.
I could’ve saved him you see. If I’d stayed I could’ve saved him. People say I’m not a consultant or an oncologist but I think I could’ve saved him. He’d be here now. I don’t deserve to be here instead of him.
Dear arees I am sorry you are suffering from the loss of your husband. My wife died on Christmas day after two years of cancer treatments. The day she died I was holding her, she would come to and hug me but she had shallow breathing and she would fall back into a unconscious state. After six hours, I had to tell her she could go and her last breath was a call to her mum. I hope she is now with her mother in heaven and I hope you will find some peace soon. The pain of living without my love is terrible and I would have swapped places with her but I wouldn’t want her to suffer like this either.
There are so many what if, but thinking this way would be going us crazy. We all loved with all our hearts and did the best we could. I also think that if the most sadistic adopted daughter of my most beloved husband wouldn’t separate me from him in the hospital, he would be alive. God knows her and she will get her reward at the end. Please, don’t torture yourself! I’m writing this with the tears in my eyes, because that’s something I’ll never get over with. So much cruelty I experienced with his adopted family that I can’t describe that all. I just feel that I need to respond, because it’s not fair to blame yourself. You have us here…
Hugs from Janka
@arees I am so sorry for your loss! I can think of no way you could have saved your husband. Please do not blame yourself. I’ve gone through the “I could have saved him”, still do, occasionally, but no, I couldn’t have, Grieving is hard enough, without the extra layer of guilt. Be gentle with yourself I wish you comfort and peace Cindy
I’ve posted this before. I found it very helpful !
Hello arees, so sorry for the loss of your husband, and please don’t blame yourself, you could not have saved your husband, they told you he had pneumonia, and he already had a weakened immune system because of his cancer, his body could not fight off the pneumonia, thats what happened to my husband, he got pneumonia, and he also had a weakened immune system, he was having trouble breathing, they took him to icu, intubated, and sedated, he never woke up again, he passed after 3 weeks of being in the hospital…it was very painful seeing my husband suffer, .and its painful for me now living without my precious husband,..take care of yourself and stop blaming yourself…may God bless you
arees, I am so sorry that your husband died. I get it. We all do. It is horrific. However, you could not save your husband. There is nothing that you could have done that wasn’t done by the medical professionals. Do not guilt yourself over something of which you had zero control.
Yes, it is hard and yes, we wish we had done some things differently, but none of us could have saved our spouses. You have enough to grieve over, do not borrow this one - it isn’t yours.
We can not change the past, we could not change the outcome. Accepting these things is a huge step you must take.
I promise you this, it gets easier with time to function again. 23 months for me and at 9 months I was just starting to breathe and sleep again. It is a long path to being “okay” again and there are many stumbles along the way, but we pick ourselves up, dust off, and take another step.
You are okay, you are going to be okay. You will never be the same, life will never be the same, but you will survive. I’ve learned that I have had to create a new life - alone - and it is hard, harder than anything I’ve ever done. But, I am working at it every day.
In the beginning I survived hour-by-hour, then 1/2 day at a time. Now, a day at a time.
Be as kind to yourself as your husband would want you to be.
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Nick, that brings you here.
I know others have already offered their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
Our Grief Guide is free from other distractions, where you can find self-help tools, including an online journal and memory box, and has information to help you cope with grief.
We also offer online bereavement support through a stepped care model that is currently in a pilot. You’ll begin with a short digital form to understand what support may be suitable for you right now, and this may include a focused online video counselling session with one of our professional counsellors and further sessions, if appropriate.
Shout is also contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything
Thank you again for sharing and I hope you find this community a good support.
Please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone
I’m so sorry for your loss. When we lose someone we begin to question if we should have done things differently. We try to blame ourselves for something outwith our control. My partner died suddenly, and I wasn’t there. I convinced myself that I might have been able to carry out CPR untill the paramedics arrived, if I’d been there. I was sorting out my old flat for a family member to stay in. In reality very few people are successfully recusitated outwith a hospital setting.
I’m sure the staff would have asked you to stay if they thought your husband’s condition was deteriorating. There’s nothing you could have done and you were with him when he died. I don’t know if you have spoken to a counsellor, sometimes it can help. I hope you find some peace soon. Take care.
Hi @arees , I’m so sorry for your loss. My wife died from cancer 19 months ago less than two months from diagnosis. I’ve also felt, and still feel, overwhelming guilt for not saving her - not spotting the symptoms that must have been there for years before, not making her go to hospital earlier, not letting her get robbed off my doctors saying she just had backache that would bet better on its own.
From a rational point of view, I know that I couldn’t have done anything but I don’t think that’s the point. Like your Nick, Heather was the best of us and didn’t deserve to die when she had so much life to look forward to, and I would have done anything, would still do anything, to save her. And that’s an emotional reaction which no amount of facts about oncology or anything else, will ever change. I feel guilty because I didn’t save her, and that’s all there is to it.
Thank you everyone for replying and being so kind. You’re all right I’m adding to the grief by feeling guilty. I just want to find a way to bring him back. I know it’s impossible. I know he’s gone but I just miss him so much. I don’t know how to survive it all.
Hi arees I am sorry you are finding it so difficult. I am having a rough time of it at the moment. I have to become more active otherwise I become overwhelmed too. It sometimes feels like a race to stay infront of grief but it always seems to catch up eventually. I hope you find a path where you aren’t overwhelmed by grief.
