Struggling after my Dad's passing

My name’s Ben. My dad moved in with me after leaving his wife 5 years ago now. He had type 2 diabetes but I kept track of his bloods and he was doing really well all daily readings were between 5 & 9. I looked after him, he was 70 when he moved in and had neuropathy in his legs. All was good, we got on really well, with the very rare cross words sorted and fixed within an hour. I struggled some times as I’m in a wheelchair after a motorcycle accident cost me the use of my legs from the knees down, I had the left leg amputated below the knee 12 years ago. So I had to find ways around doing things. January this year he’d come back from shopping on his scooter. he parked in in the back garden and locked it. I took the shopping off the back of his scooter, when he swayed and fell. We struggled trying to get him up, after half an hour my brother came and when we couldn’t get him to stand, called for an ambulance. He went into New cross the staff as ever were great but stretched really thin. he underwent a lot of tests ruling out things as they went. He went for a scan to rule out anything neurological. We were called to The Q E in Birmingham for results . The Dr said Dad had a large brain tumour and showed us flecks on the scan that was brain cancer. Then when he said its bleeding onto his brain, the tumour was inoperable and even a biopsy could kill him. He was given 8-12 weeks. We were all devastated. He couldn’t be discharged to come home here as there was issues with getting a hospital bed in etc so he went to my sisters. he was unable to walk. He went downhill slowly, forgetting things, changes in behaviour, occasional outbursts. I visited every day. He passed away April 18th. I couldn’t handle the news I screamed and broke things hurt my hands. His funeral was as lovely as a funeral can be. Afterwards everyone went home. I was alone in the house I hadn’t touched his room his coffee cup and side plate are where he always had them. Its been weeks since the funeral so its still raw, but I have this lonely feeling right through my soul. My brother and sister have their partners and they’re really good people. My best friend lives in Birkenhead and cant get down due to work commitments, which I 100% understand. I feel almost selfish feeling lonely, but coupled with life in this chair I’m really struggling, I’ve been to some dark places since Dad’s passing. I cry at stupid things and talk to him out loud every day, I even have to have his programmes on. I don’t know how to cope, My ex apologised for not being able to be there for me like I needed. What do I do now? If somebody does read all this thank you for hearing me out.

Hi Ben it’s good to write things things down, you’ve made the 1st step by coming on this website where many people can relate to what you are going through. We’ve all got a story to tell. Of course talk to him, scream, cry out it’s called grief. You must remember you cared for him, you got really personal attending to his needs. After all that you’ve lost him. Your brain goes over and over what has happened that time in hospital, It’s scary being on your own. I know New Cross Hospital very well Wolverhampton my hubby was there for 25 days, having tests, being fed through a tube, he’d suffered a stroke, and had COPD I still go through all the times he was admitted to hospital, his diagnosis was terminal but same as your Dad it was a slow deterioration he also died on April 18th. You are bound to feel lost, I still do now. Read people’s posts on here, good advice from lovely people, you must think of yourself now, take care of no 1 I write a journal, putting all my feelings on paper no-one need read it, vent your feelings, you’ll be surprised how the pen flows. Take care