Struggling after suddenly losing my lovely husband

Hi, I’m Kay and I lost my lovely husband, Matthew, very suddenly during the night of 26th to 27th December. He was 47 years old. He went to bed perfectly normally on Boxing Day evening but he didn’t wake up. I found him the following morning.

I have an awesome family and incredibly caring friends but the thought of living the rest of my life without my lovely man is just unbearable. It’s so hard to explain to people that when you lose your husband every single aspect of life changes irreversibly and for the very, very worst. I think I am still in shock and whilst I know and accept Matt has gone, I have difficulty in processing this. I have no explanation for his sudden death and I find myself going over and over the last few days, weeks and months of his life trying to make sense of something that actually makes no sense.

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy in an attempt to distract myself from the reality of the situation but it’s so hard to keep this up. People keep telling me I’m doing so amazingly well but I actually don’t feel like I’m doing well at all. I’ve a constant physical pain in my heart, a relentless sick, panicky, anxious feeling and I cry spontaneously without warning…it just hurts so so much and I can’t bear feeling like this forever.

How is everyone else coping?

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Hi kay i left you a joint message on another but no problem chatting with you .Take it 1 day at a time .Time is a great healer i disagree time forces you to think differently .its very early days into your loss.Ifind my mind plays tricks with me .Do what you feel is best dont but on a brave face tell the truth then youll find how many happy people stay around .Idfo the sdame try to keep myself busy but i can be a sound or just looking ouit the window that brings back the memories .I try to take me time ie watch a film go onm youtube to watch comedians .To give my brain a needed rest from my nightmare .Keep coming back Big hug Colin

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Kay, I like you am finding the pain unbearable, don’t try and be strong for others, or put on a brave face, I have found if you tell people you feel awful they will chat and try and help you through it. I lost my hubby unexpectedly on the 15th Dec and it is very early days for us both, I know eventually life will grow around the grief but until that starts everything is so raw. I try and make 1 plan each week to do something, I have arranged to go swimming every Wednesday eve with my daughter in law , just something to keep me occupied and to give me something to look forward to. Next week I am going to a crochet evening as I love doing crochet, I don’t know if I will like it, if not I needn’t go again, but it is one more evening I am not sitting looking at the 4 walls and feeling like I want to just curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep.
Just remember you are not alone we are all on the same horrendous journey.

Hi kayNeve,firstly I would like to say sorry for you loss it is so early days for you.I lost my husband in october it too was very sudden and he was only will br feeling shocked,numb,over whelmed and is going to take a while for all of this to make any sense. I am pleased that you have a good family around you as you will need them,They can’t fix your pain only you can do this in time ,.Be gentle and kind to yourself and take each day at a time.sometimes you will want to be on your own and that’s fine,others days you will glad of your friends and relatives.take care

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HI Pandy,I think you are being so brave and strong as it to is so early days for you,my husband of 51 yrs passed away in october and I havn’t joined anything yet,I do in my head but I can’t in reality,I have been out for coffee and a meal out so I’m not totaly a recluse but that’s all I feel I can do at the moment.I’m still spending a lot of time in bed crying but it’s the only place I feel I can do this.keep strong and take care

Hi Kay, it is horrible isn’t it. You’ve had a massive shock and probably have some post traumatic stress as well as the terrible grief. I had a little bit of warning of my husband’s death, so it’s different for me. I do feel physically ill with it all though and have other issues running through my head, guilt and remorse for not being a better wife - it’s probably all irrational and we were a happy and close couple but I keep thinking could I have been better? I have dreadful anxiety. My stomach churns and I get sensations of dread which overwhelm me physically. Absolutely no-one who hasn’t lost their partner understands this, they say nice things but I can tell they’re on a different planet (or I am at least!). That’s why I come onto this forum, it’s my therapy. Its very early days and so I’m sorry I can’t offer you any wisdom or advice, but I send you my thoughts and heartfelt sympathy.

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