Struggling and Failing Badly

Struggling is an understatement, grieving is unbearable. Missing your loved one totally destroys you. I’ve tried to get things sorted for Christmas but for each tiny step forward I take 100 huge steps back. My family always loved Christmas it was always so magical. The decorations was always up in October and lights switched on every Halloween even though hubby used to moan that it was to early. He was the first one up the ladder getting the tree and decorations out. I have so much to do but have no energy. I said I would do Christmas for my hubby but can’t face it. Since losing my beloved husband 11 months ago the magic of Christmas has gone. It feels like everything has gone. My heart is shattered and my life feels so empty. Even though I have my amazing family around me I feel so alone and am so scared. I’m trying so hard but I just can’t do it. I can’t give up but I can’t go on. I’m no longer living I’m just exsisting. It doesn’t get easier with time, I’m finding it is getting harder. I feel like I’m failing everyone especially my hubby as I made promises to him but can’t fulfil them :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::sob::sob::sob:


Oh @Karen69, I feel your pain I really do. I lost my husband almost 4 weeks ago very suddenly and without warning. I have a fantastic family around me but the thought of Christmas scares me rigid. I have no idea how to get through it. My husband loved Christmas and we always get together as a family many times over the Christmas period. This year there will be a great big gap where he should be. The pain is unbearable but please keep posting and reading on here. We all understand what you’re going through. Don’t push yourself too hard, it really isn’t worth it. You have to take care of yourself and only do what you can comfortably accomplish. I count my day as a success if I make it to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Big cuddle to you xx.

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You are NOT letting your husband down. You are simply not ready to do some of the things which meant so much to you as a couple. That is perfectly understandable, we all cope in different ways and there is no right or wrong in any of this.
Please be kind to yourself and trust that whatever you are feeling is perfectly ok to be feeling. Things may changed or each of us over time but there is no pattern to it which we can follow. Just be who you are and allow grief to be expressed in any way which feels right.

My daughter and I were planning on putting decorations up last weekend. At one point we just stood sobbing and hugging each other and thought we didn’t want to do it. A bit later in the day we could do a bit. It is still nothing like it used to be even to look at as I certainly couldn’t face doing what we used to do. Different is somehow easier for me to bear than trying to do things the same when nothing can ever be the same again. Don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else.

Sending hugs. Xxx


Hi @KarenF yes it makes perfect sense to me. My 3 adult children and I are putting my tree up tomorrow so long as have a better day than today. It’s going to be a new tradition ‘putting mum’s tree up’ day. I think trying to keep everything normal is too painful. Saying that, I’ve had a dreadful day today. Really painful and weepy so if I feel the same tomorrow I won’t want it to go up anyway. I have no doubt there’ll be tears from all of us. It’s a complete nightmare. Love and cuddles to you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Jean.

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@Jean8 thank you for your reply. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Having this community really does help. Especially when things get too much. I was going to decorate the house with the help of my adult children but I just couldn’t do it. I decorated around my husbands box and put his cracker in front of it. That was hard enough. I’ll be thinking of you all on Christmas Day and hope everything goes as well as it can for you. Big hugs to you. I’m always here if you need to talk x

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@KarenF Thank you for your message. It really does make sense. I couldn’t decorate the house no matter how hard I tried, so instead I decorated Jasons box and put his cracker in front of it. That’s the best I could do. Life is so cruel and my heart goes out to you all. I’m not having Christmas at home, my mum knew it would be too much for me and she knows I’m not coping. She asked me and my children to go to hers and my nans for Christmas. She only lives 5 minutes away so we’re going there. I hope Christmas Day works out as well as it can for you. I will be thinking of you all on here.
Big Hugs xx

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Hi @Jean8
I hope you can manage whatever feel right for you to do but keep remembering there is no ‘should’ in all this. There is nothing we ‘should’ be able to do at any stage. There is no ‘should’ have done … whatever it is.

As it gets nearer I am dreading having so many people around me even though I love them all dearly. I have hosted the family Christmas with my darling husband for 25 years, the last 18 being large numbers (for me anyway) and several staying for quite a few days.
This year we are 8 or 9 for lunch with my Aunt and Uncle staying, along with my older daughter and her fiancé, for a few days.
My daughter will help and she felt it would be easier than being alone if we had family around us, which is the only reason I agreed. My younger daughter always finds the lead up to Christmas difficult.
She may be able to help as well but her learning disability means her help is limited.

Can I just bury my head now? :rofl::see_no_evil::disappointed_relieved:

Hi @Karen69
I hope going to your Mum’s will make it as easy as it can be.
I think I’ll just get my head down and try not to think as I will have a lot to do as in previous years.
I know I will cry plenty and so do the people who will be coming. My older daughter is finding this all so difficult to deal with too as she was very close to her Dad.

We have always (for 25 years) had a big family Christmas here but I don’t really want to do that any more in the future. The only other family member capable of it would be my darling older daughter and it was too much for her so I felt I needed to do this one more time. Richard and I had discussed how difficult it was becoming after the last, pre-COVID one but how do you stop when ageing people have always come?

Karen 69
It makes complete sense to me.