Struggling and so very angry

Hi All,

First time posting only just joined today. Mum passed away 6th December.

I am genuinely struggling so much it’s hard to function daily, i have 2 young kids (5&2) and I am having to just carry on as normal cause they need me. My husband just expects me to be normal, he never talks to me about Mum just says we have to carry on now.

I had an amazing relationship with my Mum, yes we would bump heads but we was so similar and I know I took her for granted now, COVID stopped me seeing Mum for her last year and when she did pass away I was lucky to have spent the day with her before but after she had made plans to be cremated with no service as she didn’t want to put people at risk of mixing. Even after she was gone she was still thinking of others just the kind of lady she was and I feel like I never got to say goodbye.

I don’t talk to anyone really and when I mentioned to my husband about calling the doctor he told me he was disappointed he thought I was strong enough to do it on my own. Feeling like I’m letting him down, my kids as I always snap at them now and I know my Mum would be so disappointed.

Nicole xx

Hi I am really sorry for your loss, your Mum sounded like a lovely lady. I lost my husband a few days before your Mum, it was unexpected and very quick, so I didn’t get to say goodbye either. It’s a horrible feeling not to be able to do that. My daughter lost her Dad and has also struggled, Ike you, as has my son., Talking makes it easier so don’t bottle it up you can do this on here, we will all listen. If you feel you need see the Dr then go, you are not letting anyone down.

Everyone on this site is really supportive and we are all on this horrible journey together sharing our experiences and trying to help each other. It’s hard but please keep posting and look after yourself x

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Thank you for replying Viv3 and im sorry to hear about your husband. How are you doing? I think this is what I’m hoping to get from here, some release I really do feel like I’m bottling it all up and that’s probably why I’m so angry and have zero patience for my 2 kids. I don’t want medication I just called the Dr as I didn’t know what else to do. Just feels so cruel and so unfair to continue this journey of life without her. Xx

Dear Nicole123

I lost my husband suddenly approaching 12 months ago. Our youngest grandson was 9 months at the time and our son had another baby April of this year so two babies under the age of 2 at a time when he is trying to also deal with the grief of loosing his dad. Our daughter lives in the South East. They are both struggling with the sudden loss, the not being able to say goodbye and also not being able to have the service they would have liked for their dad. Our son tried to put on a brave face and keep all his emotions hidden until it all came to the surface and he could no longer cope - he missed his dad being there to support him and being the brilliant grandparent. I have started to put together a memory box for both our kids and grandson’s so that they know the incredible person my husband - their dad and granda - was.

So as Viv3 has already said please do see your GP. You do not mention if you are working - I only ask because employers usually have a service to support staff in similar situations.

This forum allows you to vent, to get things off your chest etc. so keep posting.

Hi Sheila26,

Thank you for your reply and I’m sorry for yours and your families loss, my Mum was taken by cancer so it wasn’t a surprise but some how over the years she so bravely battled I still lived in denial and never really believed it was happening but she did a memory box for myself and my sister and got 2 teddies for my 2 kids so I am very grateful and lucky to have these so I am sure your family would appreciate them too. It can all feel so unfair can’t it, it’s trying to find a way for the young ones aswell to know how amazing grandparents they would have been. My Mum just adored my eldest, she never got to bond with my youngest really.

I am working yes, I work in a pharmacy and surprisingly they don’t have anything in terms of support.

Thank you, everyone seems so lovely just stumbled across it on Google! Xx

Dear Nicole123

Our son had his GP arrange counselling through the NHS and I have seen on facebook that Macmillan offer bereavement support.

It definitely seems unfair for so many of us. My husband was killed on his motorbike so it was all so sudden and such a shock for the whole family. My husband just adored the eldest grandson, went to see him every day all day. The second grandson of course never got to meet him as he was born after the event. The memory boxes and teddies your mum put together sound lovely. My husband was brought up by his single mother and had two brothers. Life was extremely hard but it helped make him the man he became. He would want our grandson’s to know the (proud) working-class roots the family come from. I need them to know the hard-working person he was and the sacrifices he made to give his family the best life possible. I think that’s all I can try to achieve in his memory.

I have shed a few tears for you. I know how much pain my kids are in following the death of their dad. And yes this is a good forum and I hope that you find support on here from others. xxx

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Hey Nicole,

Hopefully you finding this community will be a definite positive approach… There are certainly many people here going through what you’re so it’s great for you to talk to them and not feel alone or feel like your not doing well… Your mum is the first best friend any of us have… And like you say everyone numbs heads with them but there always there for us and life is a much sadder place without them.
It’s very cold your husband isn’t giving you the proper support and expecting you to be strong enough and carry on like Nothings changed is crazy…
It must be very hard having little ones… As you’re not able to grieve properly as you have to focus on them… But don’t be hard on yourself your not a robot and it is going to be extremely emotional for you… You will snap shout and do things out of character… You go at a pace you want too and don’t let anyone tell you to get over it and move on…
I wish you lots of strength and hope you find your way through… You take care Nicole x

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Morning Nicole,

My names Bridie and I’m so sorry that your mum has passed away and that you’re not feeling supported by your husband. My mum has died too and my husband doesn’t get it either. I try to talk to him about things but don’t get much response. This is the main reason I’m replying to you as feel we have this in common. I have a lot of support friends wise so feel very lucky but feel if I had the love and support from my partner I wouldn’t miss my mums love quite so much. Also my mum didn’t have a funeral either so found that tough. We did have a party on Sat finally to celebrate her life so feel I’ve accomplished another step in the grieving process. Did you do anything like that to help?

You should feel proud that you’re able to have the strength to say you’d like to speak to the doctor. There’s nothing wrong with that and hubby shouldn’t feel disappointed in you, only proud. Grief is a massive thing and when we have children it’s hard to do it properly as we have to get on with things. It’s a great distraction of course and my son has been a comfort blanket but we also have to make sure we look after ourselves. I didn’t when my mum first died in feb and now I’m going through delayed grief. Which is ok as we all grieve/cope differently.

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