Struggling at work

Good morning,
This is a long story but i am hoping that even typing this out will help in some way.

I lost my mum in April of this year. She attempted suicide in June 2021. This left her severely brain damaged to the point she could not do anything for herself and she did not recognise me or any of my family. Following a period of 6 months in hospital she went into a care home, however she was very poorly throughout this time and deteriorated and passed away.

I found out i was pregnant in July 2021 and i went on to have my son in April 2022 and he’s been my light. However becoming a new mum and dealing with grief has been so difficult. I felt like I lost my mum in June 2021 as she was no longer the same person. She passed away 1 week before my sons first birthday in April 2023. The whole time i have had to be strong to care for my son and not let any of this affect him but i feel so numb about the loss of mum and go through feelings of upset and anger.

I work in the pharmacy at the hospital where my mum was cared for and I have a stressful role, which i used to love and I used to be really good at. However, since all of this has happened I have really struggled to get back to my previous self at work. Just before i finished for maternity leave i really was so poorly with the stress of everything. My resilience is now so low and i find myself getting really anxious about situations/tasks. I have actually taken I career step back to try and make things more managable but i just feel like a failure. I find myself getting dizzy/lightheaded and tight chested during stressful situations and sometimes just out of the blue while im at work. I also overthink everything and its exhausting. I dont know if i need to go to the doctors and try some medication again but i have tried SSRI’s in the past and they havent helped. I am on the list for counselling again. I did start applying for other jobs because my worry was that working in the hospital where mum was so poorly was a trigger was the issue. The ward where mum was cared for for 6 months is just opposite where i work and I had no break from the situation as staff would be back and to giving me updates while at work. I did take 1 month off following mums suicide attempt but because I was having my little boy and buying a house at the same time i did not want to off sick. I also took 2 months off when mum passed away. I sat with mum while she was palliative for 1 month and then 1 month after. Sitting with mum during those final weeks was so distressing as she was so agitated and they struggled to manage this. I just cant seem to put my finger on it but it’s really getting me down. I just want my old self back.
Thank you for reading :heart:


Hello @Emmalisa93,

Thank you for bravely writing this post. You have been through such a lot. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. It’s completely understandable you’d find it difficult to work so close by to where she was cared for.

I’m glad you’re on the waiting list for counselling - I really hope it helps. I’ve also private messaged you with some further resources you might find helpful.

Hopefully someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really hope the counselling helps too. I will have a good look at the resources that you have sent.
Thank you so much,

I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your mum and how you are feeling now. I admire you for trying to continue working in the location that you do. My dad was in and out of hospital towards the end of his life and I can’t even face entering a hospital now. I hope the counselling helps you and that you can confide in your supervisor about how you feel (if you haven’t already.)

You have been through so much at a really emotional time navigating becoming a parent too. I wanted to say you have done so amazing so far juggling all you have. I do wonder if there is any employment support in your area as there are services who provide help for people around their mental health to help people stay well in work they act by supporting you in conversations with your employer. It varies so much on area. Your GP surgery should have workers linked to them that can search for support in your area with you. Happy for you to DM if you would like me to give more specific detail of some examples if I can.

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Thank you so much. Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad too. Sending you love and strength.

It is so difficult. I think i was just so stressed and upset during the period while mum was an inpatient in there and when I went off on maternity leave it was the break away from the place that i needed. Now im trying to get back into work but its just exposure to the environment. As much as i try to tell myself its mind over matter because i need to go to work it is so difficult.

I have spoken to my manager and they have been supportive, though i feel like they are getting frustrated now. There is nothing in the way of a check in either where they simply ask how im doing. I have to go to them on the bad days which im not very good at.
Thank you so much for your response x

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Thank you so much. I feel like such support would be really helpful x