Struggling daily

My partner passed away 5 weeks ago, this came only 10 days after being told that her oesophagael cancer, that we had only a few months ago been told they considered to have been successfully removed during her 9 hour surgery, had spread and she was now terminal. Everything has been like a dream since the day we were told that she was terminal. Her decline was rapid and thankfully she didn’t suffer much. I however am struggling to come to terms with it. I know it’s early days but as we had recently moved I am very much alone. I work shifts and have been unable to develop any proper friendships and any spare time was spend looking after Jayne and taking her to and from hospital appointments. I’m due to have some counceling mid December but that feels like such a long time away. I’m off work at the moment and I know that it would probably be good to go back and get into some sort of routine but feel that I’m not even nearly ready. Any advice will be well received.

Hi im sorry for your loss im 57 my wife was 41 she died in march on her birthday this year .Idont work and im alone too i phone the samaritains (anybody in distress can phone ive asked )to me its someone to talk to .Take it day by day .If you have a choice on not returning to work then take your own advice .People at work places dont really want to help death is a very strange topic to discuss with others who dont feel the loss.Try take some me time each day for however long .Because 1 your brain and heart need it and 2 the nightmare will still be there .Youve suffered a huge loss .Treat yourself to some laughter to try and brace yourself for the next day big mate hug Colin (can pm me if you like ).

Thanks Colin, Jayne was 59 and I’m 45. Jayne died 6 days after her birthday, in some ways I feel it maybe better that the days are so close, or the same for you with your wife passing on her birthday. In years to come it may help with combining the sad times to that period, or maybe not, what do I know, I know nothing! I’ve already got the time booked off for next year as Jayne and I were planning a big holiday for her 60th and a bit of a celebration of her recovery. Now I aim to spend that time having the same holiday and a bit of a memorial for her as her funeral was a blur.
I hope your healing is progressing and days have become easier for you, thanks again for this (I would pm you if I knew how to, I’m amazed I got this far!) Kirsty

Hello Kaygeeljaypee

So sorry to hear about your partner’s death. My wife died 11 weeks ago and life still feels like a roller coaster or like a journey that I’ve started but never intended to go on with no idea whether there is a destination or no. Advice is so hard to give because every grieves in their own way but it is good to hear that you are getting counselling - I am due for my first session tomorrow, so good luck with yours.

When I am feeling my worst at losing Helen I try and remember what she gave to me - and what she gave me I still have and will never lose. And I think of the impact she had on other people and how that lives on through them. I also think of our son, Luke, and how her goodness lives on through him. It’s tough that you have only just moved and that you do shift work - I had been going to suggest finding a local bereavement group where you can meet others face to face and share but see what your counsellor can further suggest, would the local Citizens Advice Bureau be of any help - I presume the hospital or the GP has given some contacts, if not give them a go. Also try Priscilla the Community Manager on this site.

I’m really sorry I can’t be more helpful but you should be getting others joining in.In the meantime take care and as someone has previously posted, be the person that your loved one loved.

Kind regards


Hello Alan, thanks for this, just having people read my words and respond does help. It’s so difficult and there are no words that people can say to make it better really, but knowing that others are going through the same is somewhat comforting, as horrid as that may sound as I certainly wouldn’t wish this pain and uncertainty on anyone. Your words are comforting though, I need to try and remember the good things, it’s difficult as my head is full of the 8 days I spent with her in hospital but I am trying hard. I’m hoping that the counselling session will help me with that. I hope your counselling goes well tomorrow. Tomorrow I am due to see my go, so hopefully I’ll be pointed in the right direction for some help. Thanks again, best wishes to you and yours

Hello Kirsty

I am not sure what happened there or where I got “Kaygeeljaypee” from. Anyway my message was meant for you. Take care, Alan

Sorry, that was my fault, I was kaygeeljaypee but then saw that people where using their names, so I thought I’d change it to my name too rather than being mysterious and overly cautious.

Hi Kirsty

Just wanted to say how sorry i was reading your post. Your idea of continuing with your partner’s 60th birthday trip next year sounds a great one. Obviously tinged with sadness but what a lovely way to remember. Also something to work towards.

Taking time for yourself and small treats i find get me through the blacker patches somewhat. A long hot soak in a bath is a favourite - also can get away from annoyances outside the bathroom.

Take care

Thanks Mel, a long hot soak in a bath would be amazing but sadly I have no bath. Maybe this is something I have to work on in addition to next years holiday. Thanks for reading and responding, it all does help just knowing there are others out there.

Kind regards