Hi, i lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly on 5th April. Went to a night out with my husbands brothers and their wives. Didnt even get a chance to take our jackets off when he fell to the floor in a seizure, 10 mins later I knew he had suffered a cardiac arrest. One of his brothers started CPR and 2 of the staff members, but nothing. Paramedics arrived and worked on him for 45 mins at which point i was pleading with them to stop as i knew he was gone. The doc pronounced him dead 1hr 15 mins after he started to fit. My 4children were waiting at the hosp on us arriving. I am finding it very difficult to accept he isnt coming back to me, i am heartbroken, devastated, just like all of you who are using this site. My dear friends organised flights for me to come over and stay with them to help me come to terms with my loss, but im worse as we came here every year and holidayed with them. Im trying so hard not to fall apart and upset my friends, but ive just had to sort through his clothes, we both left summer clothes here and im howling again. I think its too soon, now im working myself into a state thinking of having to do the return journey by myself. When does the pain get easier?
Hi @Adele4 , I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband - it sounds like it was really traumatic and it must be so hard having to deal with all that as well as your grief.
I’m just a few weeks ahead of you so I’m not sure when the pain and distress ever comes to an end. It’s a bit of a long haul I think.
It sounds like you’ve been really brave going away but I know sometimes we think things will be fine and we will be able to cope, but then it is more difficult than we had ever thought. I’ve done that a few times so now am more careful in what I plan - I just take it as a learning experience!!! Even if I’m in a heap crying. …
Just do what you can while you are away. Be kind to yourself and let your friends support you. I’m sure they want to help in any way they can.
But I know it’s not the same.
Keep posting on here if it helps - there is lots of people here who really understand and can offer support and kindness whenever you need it.
Sending some strength for your journey home. You can do it, I am sure. And if you cry then that’s absolutely fine. Xx
Hi Adele, so sorry, it sounds like hell. My husband also had a sudden cardiac arrest. You are understandably suffering from the shock and that takes a while to get over in addition to the grief. Let your friends help you as much as you can. Being away from home and familiarity and having to cope with the journey home alone are all piling on the pressure. Just do as much as you have to and leave everything else for another day when you feel stronger. Be as kind to yourself as you can for now. Take it an hour at a time.
Hugs and strength from everyone here. Xx
Thank you for your kind words. I feel like people, even my friends, are deliberately not talking about my husband for fear of upsetting me, but them not talking about him is upsetting. I want to talk about him, i so want him to be remembered. Went out for a meal tonight to a wee village where we met other mutual friends who also live abroad and its the first time seeing them since losing my husband, they didnt mention my husband at all either…its like he never existed in their lives, feeling so sad.
Oh @Adele4 I absolutely get that.
I talk about my husband all the time with my kids - we talk about what he would have said/done, we talk about his good points and we laugh about his bad points. We even try to bribe each other to do or not do things citing his name. All with so much love and humour and a lot of sadness at the moment. It feels so natural to us all.
But no one else wants to talk about him.
They never mention his name, or our shared past, I sometimes wonder if they have erased him from their memory.
I said this to his brother who reassured me that he is thought of all the time, and my brother in law sent me the most lovely message about him last week on his birthday. It made me cry but in a good way.
His dad and sisters can’t bring themselves to say anything - I know or think they are grieving too, but I feel so awful that they won’t say his name and when I talk about him they just change the conversation.
My best friend told me today how she cried in the plane back from her holiday as she couldn’t stop thinking about him. That made me feel better which is odd but probably normal.
Sorry - I’m going on a bit as normal.
Please just realise you are not alone in feeling this way and I wish we could change our culture and the way we approach loss and sadness. Feel free to talk about your husband on here - it would be nice to know a bit about him if you want to share
Xxx
My husband’s name was Alex, im 56 and he was 71. He was a very young 71 i may add, always the first to arrive and last to leave at parties. He had his first heart attack in his 50’s, then suffered a small stroke in his 60’s, which he got over without any real after effects. He was a terrible patient though and im feeling guilty as he had been complaining of chest pain, but had previously been given a full MOT and was told the pain/discomfort he was feeling was coming from his stomach, so i felt myself getting irritated with him. However that fatal day he said to me out of the blue that i was to bury him and not cremate him as he wanted somewhere for all the children to visit him, then 4 hours later he was dead. Ive been beating myself up something terrible, thinking i have missed something, have i heen too harsh on him? Should i have insisted that we stay home that evening, would that have made any difference? It was all so horrendous and not to mention, very public, im a retired nurse, should i have done something sooner instead of feeling irritated by his symptoms, which i never thought for one minute were life threatening. I cant live with my guilt. x
Hi @Adele4 did your friends not even acknowledge his passing? I think I will always mention my husband as we had a long life together (50 yrs) although it was still not enough. Why would we not talk about them? Talk about your husband on here as much as you want. Someone is always around to listen.X
Oh Adele, do try not to feel guilty. No one would have known and especially as he had been given the all clear beforehand.
It sounds like you were really happy together and had a good life - sadly that makes it all the harder when you lose someone you felt so together with.
Keep sharing your stories in here - there are always lots of people happy and willing to listen and share some support when needed. Early days for you though still.
Sending some strength to you xx