Dear luckystarhongkong
Your comments echo mine exactly. Myself and husband both from working class families who taught us to work hard and earn the money to pay for what was needed to have a good life for our children. I had two jobs at one point, thinking it will all be worth it so that when we retire we can enjoy ourselves. Only for it all to be taken away. I never got to say goodbye to my husband, I struggle everyday thinking of his last moments on this earth and it is just so heartbreaking.
Take care
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Exactly - the one time I need him so much, heās not here to support. We too thought that if we did the right thing and worked hard we would get our reward. The only thing we wanted was to spend time together- preferably doing some travelling but it wouldnāt have mattered as long as we were together. It really does feel like the worst punishment - just for trying to work hard for the life we wanted. Sending hugs
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I too, never got to say goodbye. It hurts so much.
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Jules we both never said goodbye to one another even though he spent his last few days at home with me and it was a living nightmare having to watch him suffer and fade away in front of me.He chose not to talk to me about his cancer i had to get information from his specialist in the end to find out how serious it really was.He never once said to me or his sons that he was dying.I just assumed he knew that i knew how it was .The most hurtful thing was he pushed me away towards the end and refused to let me help him drink or anything.N also the fact rhat he didnt say goodbye to me or tell me he loved me n that ill never undeestand
Thatās really hard. I know when my dad had cancer (and we all knew that it was terminal) he didnāt really talk about it. He didnāt give final instructions or anything. I think that he thought that if he didnāt talk about it, it wouldnāt happen but if he did then he was admitting that it was happening.
itās just not what we used to believe it should beā¦all the effort came to naughtā¦
when I think of her last moments I cannot help but clenching my fist. Itās hurting me to see the love of my life sufferā¦the woman I would do everything to lessen her painā¦but I could just watch helplesslyā¦
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just she and I togetherā¦thatās what I asked for. Take away everything I have Iāll still be joyful if she is with me. If only I can bargainā¦I donāt mind if I have to start all over again/have absolutely nothing provided that she is by my sideā¦
The most precious thing in my life was snatched away forever. I can have no joy unless it is shared with her.
Itās so unfair.
my thoughts are with youā¦
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Dear @lorraine5,
I think some men - Iām one of them - often find it hard to express their emotions freely. Itās not āmanlyā to do so. I used to withdraw and become āself-containedā in some very stressful situations, I felt it was the only way I could cope sometimes. Please be assured that your husband did love you. I say this as someone who now regrets not telling my wife often enough how much I loved her; how special she was to me, and what a special and amazing person she was in her own right. I too never had a chance to say goodbye to my wife. When I talk to her aloud (often) I tell her I hope she knows how much I loved and still love her and how much she meant and means to me. I know she loved me too, and that that has not been changed by our temporary separation. She was always there for me, through thick and thin, my source of strength. I regret any arguments and disagreements we had, that I ever upset her or caused her to cry - I only ever wanted to do the best for her that I could, to make her life easier (she was disabled). I realise now, when itās too late, that there are some things that I never told my wife, things I should have told her, and I will always regret that.
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Jules the hardest thing is the not ever knowing his reasons why he chose to do it the way he did.I think it would of made things a little easier for uss left behind knowing how he felt n what he wanted to happen with things n family members etc.Theres been a fair few arguments in the family about everyrhing but its been with Just the youngest of my sons the other 2 have gone along with everything .The strange thing is hes the one me n my husband have always been the closest too and have never really argued with before n i know he n my husband had the closest relatiinship out of the 3 sons and he has always showed that in the past by spoiling him a lot more than he did me n treating him better so i always felt that he favoured his dad.But last night i went to see him for an hour and it ended up with a huge argument between us which he told me straight out hes always thought more of his dad than he has me.N also told me he hopes i die.That destroyed me inside cause that is just the worst thing i can think of having said to me
I know that your son will be grieving too but that is not an excuse for him to treat you in that way. This is a hard enough time without people being hurt even more. It is so hard when people havenāt made things clear. I have already spoken to my children and my sister to say what I want. I will write it down as well so there can be no misunderstanding or arguments. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with more hurt. Sending hugs
I know exactly how you feel Lorraine. My hubby of 40yrs would not discuss at all his diagnosis, he died after just 7weeks at home. It is so very difficult to watch a partner you love die in front of you, but what I find so hard to deal with is that he wouldnt talk about it at all, and it meant we never said the things to one another I feel we should have. And to make matters worse, I insisted on sedation for the last week because he asked me to overdose his meds , so again I couldnt talk to him, I find this hardest of all to deal with Lorraine. We will never get over it pet, but I guess we will just have to deal with it, my thoughts are with you.
Jules the real issue im struggling with is wondering if he meant what he said or even some of it.My son nor anyone else have any idea or do they even try n undeestand what im gone n still going through every single minute of every day.I have been left totally alone in a 3 bed house with all the memories and my husbands things everywhere even havin to go upstairs to his bedroom kills me.N on top of this ive had to struggle to sort all the bills etc out n was left 9 weeks with no income at all n even now ive had to claim universal credit for myself and dont get my full rent paid cause ive got 2 spare bedrooms but cant get any help to find a smaller place fir myself.
Elizabeth i already suffered with anxiery n depression before he became illl but now with this on top as well its all too much mentally and im scared of havin a breakdown n ending up in a home etc.I only see my grandkids maybe once a week i feel they dont want too come to see me now and weve always been very close.Noone ever talks to anyone in the family about how they feel or anything.
I donāt think that the way things are set up for the bereaved makes anything āeasyā to sort out and claim. Nobody seems to have thought about the added pressure put on people who are grieving. I have filled out forms and then been told they need doing again or another form needs competing. It just is too much on top of everything else isnāt it. In terms of what was said - people usually lash out when they canāt deal with things they feel guilty about. Usually things are said that arenāt meant. Unfortunately, once they are said, they are said and even if apologies are made, the hurt remains.
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I am so sorry you are going through all this Lorraine, I am very fortunate that I have my children & grandchildren to help me through this, I cant imagine what I would do without them. I think you should try and focus on you getting mentally stronger pet, and stop dwelling on your family issue, that seems to be making you more anxious. Get up tomorrow believing āI can do thisā x Dont bring yourself down, and if it means doing it on your own, you can do it , no-one else can do it for you Lorraine, best wishes.
thankyou elizabeth ppl keep telling me to concentrate on myself etc but i just dont seem to be able to Theres to much going on in my head 24/7 and cant switch off
Jules yeah it will always stay with me whether it was meant or not.I lash out but usually its in defence for myself but if i didnt mean it i would tell them so but in a way they knew i was genuine.Its true words hurt more than physical stuff cause they scar you for a long time
My heart goes out to you, it truly does. To know that people you care about and supposedly care about you are so close yet may as well be in outer space for the help you require is an all consuming feeling. It does feel that there seems to be numerous paths we take to rationalise our situation, but none ever seem logical.
And in the next breath your told to take up a hobby or get yourself out and about, WHY, do we have to do that? Itās not like we all want to sit rocking backwards and forwards wallowing in self pity (which I find very insulting) as Iāve been told by certain people. If they have not experienced the monumental loss then keep your opinions to yourself quite franklyā¦
I know for myself there is nothing that I could say to ease your loss and grief, nothing. But Iām pretty sure that someone will open a door for you and let in some light to guide you out of the all consuming darkness.
I think a good word for this situation is āoblivionā because we are lost and forgotten about. And there always seems to be the elephant in the room, thatās the tumbleweed moment of people saying their sorry for your loss and conversation abruptly stops.
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setantil thankyou for the message its much apprecuated.And yes youre right about people telling me to get myself a hobby cause my sons tell me that as if its some kind of magic fix im 61 years old tomorrow my eye sights not great so am restricted ro wat i can do close up.When i ask them for suggestions they havent got any.Its like my kids are taking it out on me cause their dad died.They dont seem to realise or care how its affecting me at all.1 of my sons made a promise to his dad to look after me etc but in fact has done the oppisite and ignores me most of the time.
Oh dear me, that is heartbreaking to hear. As I have always lived my life, you only have your word. Forget money material things that doesnāt mean anything in the grand scheme of things. But your word, a promise, thatās the trust someone has instilled in you to carry out a task and you wonāt let them down. That soul has passed on to someone they trust to carry the mantle for them.
I have only broken a promise once, and that was to save Sammy from the darkness. I always promised her that I would catch her no matter what the cost to me. And I will never forgive myself for that. It may have been out of my control, but to me a promise is absolutely sacred.
Your son should hang his head in shame. Iām sorry to be judgemental but itās the stock I take. In time to come hopefully he will realise God willing that he was mistaken in his actions. Prayers for you lovey