struggling to cope after losing my husbsnd to cancer

Hi im 60 years old and was married to my husband 44 years from when i was 16 years old
.We have 3 sons and 7 grandchildren so in theory i shouldnt be alone and isolated and basicly just forgotten about should i .But thats exactly how it is my son lives just round the cornee with 3 of my grandkids.n I never see or hear from them any more and its adding to my depression even .ore.For 3 n a half months since he died ive spent sittin in doors just doing nothing but get more n more down each day.The loneliness is unbearable now and have no desire to be alive any longer i just want to die and just noone cares at all .I have no life at all [post edited by moderator]. All i want is for family to phone me every day i dont think thats askig too much

I’m so sorry to read about what you’re going through @lorraine5 following the loss of your husband to cancer. It sounds like you’re feeling quite low and lonely and experiencing some difficult thoughts. I have just sent you a private message with some additional support, so please feel free to reply to that if you would find it helpful.

You’re not alone on this site and I hope you find some support in sharing how you’re feeling.

Take good care

Thankyou Eleanor

Sorry to here what yo are going through an I toataly understand your position, as I am in the similar, I lost my wife to covid, she had been fighting secondary breast cancer for 9 years and was doing well with treatment, then covid, it killed her within 3 weeks, this happened nearly7 months ago, my daughter lives 2 hours away so she is limited with support, my son lives 1mile away, I got a video call once a week, OK covid was a problem but I now live alone I had no body. I eventually broke down and told them what I thought, which I now regret because he basically told me what to do and have not heard from him since, I too am 60 was with my wife Beverley since we where 15, the torcher that we have and yet to endure is un explicable but we have too, vent your feelings here as we know, I have lost grand parents, a parent but this is not the same, our lives have changed and we did not want it too its hard so very hard but keep on trying take any help that is offered and use this site, I kept me going and you will make new friends who understand

Dear Lorraine5

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and the loneliness you are experiencing. I too was 60 when I lost my husband suddenly. Our daughter lives down your way so have not seen her much and she works shifts so she is not able to call as often as I would like. Our son lives close by and I have had to step into my husband’s shoes and become childminder to his babies (two under the age of 2). Initially after my husband died our son took to not taking calls and just asked me to text him until I highlighted that if he did not speak to me who was I meant to have conversations with. Things have improved slightly - they are a different generation and are always engrossed in their phones so even if I am in the same house it can still be lonely.

It really is hard to understand our children’s and other people’s reactions to our grief and it leaves us disappointed on occasions. I am so sorry that you have family so close and yet you are alone. I have no doubt that your family do care but perhaps do not appreciate fully how their actions (or inactions) are making you feel. As Ron highlights, however, it is a fine line that we walk because if we do choose to tell them we might not get the positive and supportive response that we were seeking and to be honest deserve.

Again as Ron has said there is support here as others are suffering the devastating loss of their loved ones, so they will understand your feelings. Please keep posting.

Take care

Thankyou for taking the time to reply Ron its much appreciated.I have tried to get counselling from mcmillans n st helenas hospice etc with no luck.My life has just changed in every way possible and i dont know how to survive each day.Having him here for his last 4 days of his life was so traumatic n so heartbreaking just watching him waste away.It was his wish to die here with family and as hard as it was im glad i did that for him.It was my furst experience of cancer and didnt know what to expect n knew it would be hard but it was more than just hard its something that will stay with me for the rest of my life .He was always so healthy n strong n never went doctors etc i never expected him to get this horrible disease.He kept it all to himself n never spoke to us about it i had to find everything out by hassling tbe hospitals.Anyway once again thanks for replyimg n take care

Thankyou for your reply Sheila its much appreciated.This is the hardest thing i have or will ever face i think.I always thought i would die before him as he was so fit n healthy all his life.From time he got duagnosed last november to dying in Feb this year was just 3 months but it felt like years just watchin him waste away in front of me was hell .He was to poorly to go through treatment but tbh in one way its a slight relief that he did only suffer a short time

Dear Lorraine5

I can partly understand how difficult it must have been for you. My mother-in-law died in 2008 of the same form of cancer as your husband. She was in a hospice for the last 6 weeks of her life and my husband visited every day. His two brothers no longer lived in the North East so my husband had to carry the burden himself - I know only too well the toll it took on him seeing his mam decline. Of course, he had me for support so that was some consolation.

Loosing our soulmates is just unimaginable until it becomes our sad reality and I am so sorry that you have had to go through this and now also have to deal with the challenges of family. I hope that at some point your children and their families take a step back and reflect on how you must be feeling.

Take care.

thankyou Sheila but somehow i just dont think they will.I didnt expect much from 2 of my sons but the 3rd one who was the closest of all to his Dad i expected support etc from him and my daughter in law who have 3 of my grandaughters .They helped a little bit at first like made a few phone calls etc but only the calls that were actually my husbands affairs like life insurance n cancelling his car insurance etc the existing bills that i now have to start paying myself im having to do it by myself.I just feel like i mean nothing to them now and i always had a good relationship with that son.Im hurt by the distance n the lack of communication between us now n he only lives 5 minutes away.I just wish i knew why theyve pushed me out of their lives my husband would be dusgusted by it too.I feel its my sons wife thats behind it tbh as we have had arguments in the past etc i just dont know what to do any more i miss my grandkids desperately and also my son i just want to be included in their lives n not isolated n ignorred n left by myself

Dear Lorraine5

I am a little way further down the line and have to say that in the first few months I found myself getting very agitated at our son’s partner. Everytime I was trying to speak to him she would interrupt and grab our son’s attention away from what I was trying to discuss. Perhaps I was over-sensitive but things have now settled and it does not irritate me as much. I am sure you that considered this already so forgive me but have you tried going round or inviting them for Sunday dinner.

Family support in terms of sorting out the bills did not materialise for me either and I landed up sorting everything out. It took a while because sometimes the agents on the telephone were so insensitive but I eventually managed.

As you say what your husband would be thinking of the position is just too sad.

Take care.

Dear Lorraine 5. I totally understand what you are going through i have 3 sons and 1 daughter they all live close bar 1. My daughter lives just round the corner and after peter died they all did so much for trying to keep me busy . Now a year on the only time I see my daughter is when she wants me to babysit which isn’t that often I never get asked round anymore the same with my sons one has a little dog who I am supposed to see to everyday but he doesn’t help me with anything. The other son I hardly see and when I do see him I have to invite myself round. They have pretty much abandoned me and it really hurts. I have felt like telling them how I feel but I know it will cause them to fall out with me. It does make you feel so lonely. You are very early on in your bereavement and certainly isn’t to much to ask for them to phone you. Take care. Jenny

thankyou jenny i just dont understand why this happe ns after a death when we were perfectly fine before he died it simetimes feels like they feel as if theyd rather it was me that had died n not my husband their dad.Im scared to approach tbem ablut it cause then ill probably lose them forever n plus one of them has 3 daughters my ggramdaughters and i dont want to turn them against me too .I putlike memes n quotes up on fb that say how im feelimg etc but they never take notice of them Yes my sons lost their dad but ive not only lost my husband ive lost my whole life my world my family n i have no one they have partners n kids of their own but im dealing with it on my own

Well I think it stinks that you’re sons and grown daughters aren’t supporting you, especially when they live so close.
There’s realy no excuse. You know what I’d do I’d say get a blooming dog walker to sort yer dog and I’m not looking after yer kids anymore coz like you can’t be bothered seeing if I’m OK, or calling round ect I can’t be arsed with you. Sounds tough but it’s my thoughts.

Dear Ron and the rest of the gang on this message stream.
My late husband and I agreed that after 3 months all family and most friends think you are over it. We were both widowed then married again for 24 years till last November, when David died and I was widowed once more.
Make the most of your friends especially those in the same boat as you.
The family have no experience of loosing a partner. They cant help it.
Keep posting to your friends here.
You will get there
With love and sympayhy


Thats nice message hun n ive had more understanding n conversation with ppl on here in 2 days than i have my entire family in 3 n a half months.I feel i shouldnt have to post here though to have someone listen to me

having a soulmate who knows me inside out for 32 years it’s hard to swift our support to someone else. It just doesn’t feel right. Relationship between my wife and I which has be trialed by storms can never be replaced. This is a loss which cannot be repaired. When I lost my wife, I felt so vulnerable that I depended on my cousin and mother in law. They may be well intentioned. But It didn’t work out. Now 3 months down this grief journey I have gained a bit of confidence of going alone so I try not to bother them. That’s something I have to do sooner or later. I still have my 15 yo daughter with me. But she will be gone in 2 years time to uni. That will be another challenge. But I try not to think too much.

I have my adult children here at the moment but they will have to go back to their studies soon. The house has some life in it with them here but I know it will be quiet and empty again when they go. All I ever wanted was a family, knowing that as the children grew and made ,Ives of their own, we would enjoy time together as a couple. Now that has gone - my life is empty stretching ahead. I am so used to being part of a pair - I don’t know how to even think of the future without him. Sending hugs


Jules4: I understand how hard it is to continue this life journey without our love ones. I essentially spend all of my adult life with my wife. All of a sudden I have to change course and go on on my own. It’s hard to adapt to this new normal. We initially planned to send our daughter to UK next year and started our retirement. I thought we have labored to build a loving family and raise up my girl to be independent; it should be time for us. I know I’d miss my daughter, but I was contented that the 2 of us can be enjoying our days together. Now our dreams were torn apart. Every morning I keep asking my wife how should I go on…to no avail.
You’re not alone…thinking of you…

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Thank you. It hurts so much doesn’t it? All those hopes and dreams that can’t be fulfilled no matter what we do. I have faced challenges in my life and my normal response is ‘what can I do to make it happen?’ I normally adapted and overcame. For this challenge there is nothing I can do to make it happen - I feel so helpless. All the hard work to give our children the best start paid off but all the hard work to give us some retirement together didn’t. Life seems so cruel.

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I have the same feeling. I tried not to think about our retirement plan now. But whenever I think of it…when I think of the fact that everything is so perfect if she’s still by my side, it hurts so much…
We grew up in poor families. We have worked so hard to give us a stable income. Everything we had we got it from toils and sweat. Just when we thought eventually we’d have some time to enjoy the fruit of our effort, she left without saying goodbye…
Me and my wife believed that if one want something one should labored to make it happen. We did. Most of the time things worked out as planned. Sometimes life showed no mercy, but we always had each other; at least we could cry together. This time is different. This is my biggest crisis in my 49 years of life, and I no longer have her supporting me…