My Mum died suddenly almost 4 weeks ago. She was suffering with COPD, was on oxygen and had felt a little unwell but I didn’t think this was the end. She lived with me and my 2 daughters. I’ve never lived apart from her to be honest. I’ve cared for her for the past 4 years. Her death has devastated me. I can’t stop replaying that day. She got up, felt unwell, and died within 20 minutes. I’d organised her medications for her the night before and she’d not long taken them before she died. One was for blood pressure and I’m now concerned this had an effect on her and caused her to collapse. I feel responsible. I feel I caused her to die. She must have felt so unwell. We were so close. I can’t even talk to her to say I’m sorry. I can’t cope with this grief. I don’t know how I can go on without her. How does anyone ever carry on living like this?
Your Mum’s passing is not your fault and almost certainly nothing to do with the Prescribed medication. Unfortunately it was just time for your Mum to go
Self doubt, blame & what ifs are perfectly normal in Grief especially the very early stages.
Replaying the day is also very common.
The hole in your Heart never goes away but I promise you it does get slightly easier.
Remember it’s good to talk, even to your dear Mum and think what she would have replied💙
It’s ok to open up on your emotions especially with your Daughters and have a good cry together.
Take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time and be kind to yourself.
I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my Mam to COPD just over 6 weeks ago and I was her carer.
I feel exactly as you do, as if I could have done something and really struggling to cope without her.
It really is an awful feeling but I think deep down we need to remember we did everything we could for them and without our support their quality of life would have been alot less. It just doesnt take away this awful feeling.
If you want to send me a message happy to chat and help each other
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear Mum and to hear the pain and confusion you are in. It’s really early days for you and sadly guilt, self doubt remorse and anger are all common feelings after being bereaved. It sounds like you were a very committed and loving daughter who cared for years for your Mum she was a lucky woman as were you to share such a bond. But your guilt about the events at the end is real to you and cannot be dismissed We can’t tell you how to feel. It might be good to get the Counselling offered by Sue Ryder. I don’t know if it’s a bit too early, some organisations won’t work with you until 4 months after the loss but I had the SR Counselling and for me, it was amazingly helpful. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
My Mum died 40 weeks ago and my sister and I nursed her at home for 12 months but towards the end of her life my Sister became unable to give her her meds as she thought she would kill her if she did. Maybe it was the knowledge that for Mum the end was nearly here and my Sister didn’t want to be feeling like you are now. Idk. What I do know that grief can drive you to do and think crazy stuff!
Take care of yourself
Luv and hugs xx
I’m Kate, a member of the Sue Ryder Online Community team, and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful:
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to understand your grief
Our Grief Coach text message service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Our Bereavement Information pages can help to explain much of what you may be feeling or experiencing
As mentioned by Lulujones33 in the message above, our free Online Bereavement Counselling service is held via video chat and is available to anyone over the aged of 18 who has been bereaved for two months or more. Please note, there is currently a waiting list for this service, but you can start the questionnaire when you are ready and a member of the team will be in touch.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support, and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone
but I think deep down we need to remember we did everything we could for them and without our support their quality of life would have been alot less. It just doesnt take away this awful feeling.