Struggling to cope with the loss of my Husband

I lost my Darling Husband on Boxing Day at the age of 40 , he was unfortunately diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma in September and underwent 4 very intensive rounds of chemo, however unfortunately the chemo was not successful and he passed away exactly three months to the day that he was diagnosed.

We were together for 10 and 1/2 years and married for 4 and unfortunately hadn’t gotten around to having children yet as we were enjoying married life and holidays too much and were waiting on the right moment to start discussing having a family as I am only 33.

Things are now only starting to hit me and I feel so alone , I cry everyday. I have a lot of people around me, however no one knows or can even begin to understand how I’m feeling or what I am going through.

My whole life has literally been taken from me in the blink of an eye and I don’t even know where to start or how to even contemplate life without my Husband.
We had bought our lovely first home together only 3 years ago and now I have to try and continue life in there with our memories, however has been very difficult and I have only been staying there the odd night at a time as I just can’t sleep.
I just miss him so much and I really don’t know what my future will entail , right now I feel so alone and isolated that I can’t even contemplate a future.
I never dreamed to be a widow at such a young age and I think the whole quickness of the illness is what’s been even harder as he had not prior symptoms whatsoever, we had just enjoyed a 2 week holiday to Mexico to celebrate his 40th Birthday.
I’m at the age now where all my friends are married or getting married and have or are having children and now I don’t know where or how I’ll be able to fit into all of that.

Hi, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. There are many lovely people on here who have experienced similar losses to you who are able to share their thoughts and experiences to help you and support you. It’s such a horrendous situation and he was so young. I lost my husband last October from Leukaemia and he was only 48. We too never got around to having kids as we were too busy enjoying life and travel etc. He was supposed to have been able to survive if he’d have been diagnosed earlier. It’s 12 months ago tomorrow he was diagnosed. But sadly everything went against him and we had an awful time. I know how you feel when you say that you don’t know where you fit in. It’s a bit like being a gooseberry as the old expression goes.
I’m 51 so my youth is behind me but hopefully you being so young may help you in the long run, although I am sure it doesn’t feel that way!
The shock of it all doesn’t leave you so I’m told. I look at pictures I took of him last summer and he looks fit and healthy but was actually dying and it just seems incomprehensible that he’s gone. Grief is like a roller coaster that you can’t get off and don’t want to be on in the first place. You have to keep riding and hoping that the bumps get less.
I felt I needed some professional help so I asked for counselling from our hospice who paired me with a lovely lady who had experienced the same sort of loss at a similar age to me. She’s marvellous and I can completely let go of all the things in my head. I can’t talk to anyone else in my group as they are grieving too and it’s too close. Just being on the forum, reading other posts and posting your own if you want to is very beneficial as a form of counselling too. It’s been a lifeline for me.
I hope you can feel able to vent anything you want on here if you need to or indeed get support from friends and family. It’s a hell of a time and so unfair. X