Struggling to cope without my mum

My lovely mum passed away on Dec 28th 2022 and I am devastated. I don’t know how I will ever get through everything. I used to see her several times each week, took her on holidays , visits to the theatre, meals out and trips in the car for shopping trips etc. Every aspect of my life involved her. I have gone through all the emotions possible. I miss her with all my heart and when i say I feel I can’t carry on without her I mean it… She went into hosp approx 6 weeks ago just feeling sick and within 1 hr I had a phone call to say she had a blockage and was too elderly to operate and that she just had the evening to live. The shock was unbearable as I had only just left her to collect clean nightwear for her and been told by a previous doctor it was just an infection and antibiotics were going to be given to her. Things improved slightly overnight and she was given 2 days. She lived for a further 5 weeks bless her and thank goodness I brought her home so she could be in her own home.
My heart goes out to anyone that is going through this. This is by far the toughest thing I have encountered in my entire life. I am trying to get through each day and I even break that down into sections as I am struggling so much. Just want you all to know I am reading your posts and thinking of you

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Hi I lost my mum at the end of November 2021. What you have written here resonates with me totally. For me it’s the same it’s so challenging at times. I used to look after my mum at home. She had to be put into to care. Just couldn’t look after her any longer as her legs gave up. I have totally lost my identity. Just dodn’t know who I am anymore. My heart goes out to you. Take care Mark

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Mark,
Thank you. It is the hardest time of my life and so so raw at the moment. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. I slept on the sofa next to her for almost 3 weeks at home and just watched her every breath. I will never forgive the hospital for not at least trying to operate. I feel the same. Lost everything to be honest. I drove the other day and she wasn’t sitting in the car with me so now i can’t bear to go in the car. I know she planned to go when she did. My son and I had just come downstairs and we both held her hands. She always lived her life in getting everything sorted before the New Year eg paying bills, sorting draws and cupboards and it was like saying ok i am sorting myself now so you all dont have to start the New Year with me being ill. Of course we would have wanted her with us but I am sure it was her doing in passing on the 30th. We had been upstairs looking at old photos and videos and were laughing and crying and my husband said he felt she could hear us because he could. Within 20mins of us coming downstairs she passed. I am sure she waited for us to come downstairs.
Today has been another very tough day with most of it spent crying. I found this site and its helping me . Take care Deborah

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Lewis Capaldi’s new song called Pointless is so comforting . Here are the words

Pointless"

I bring her coffee in the morning
She brings me inner peace
I take her out to fancy restaurants
She takes the sadness out of me
I make her cards on her birthday
She makes me a better man
I take her water when she’s thirsty
She takes me as I am

I love it when her mind wanders
And she loves it when I stay at home
I know when she’s lost and she knows when I feel alone

From all my airs and graces
To the little things I do
Everything is pointless without you
Of all the dreams I’m chasing
There’s only one I choose
Everything is pointless without you

I light the fire when it’s cold out
And she lights up the room
I hope that she’ll love me forever
She hopes I’ll be back soon
I take her out to the movies
She takes away my pain
She is the start of everything
And I’ll be there till the end

I love when she laughs for no reason
And her love’s the reason I’m here
She knows when I’m hurt and I know when she’s feeling scared

From all my airs and graces
To the little things I do
Everything is pointless without you
Of all the dreams I’m chasing
There’s only one I choose
Everything is pointless without you

I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you
You’ll wait for me too
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you
You’ll wait for me too

From all my airs and graces
To the little things I do
Everything is pointless without you
Of all the dreams I’m chasing
There’s only one I choose
Everything is pointless without you
Everything is pointless without you

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Has anyone had any signs to do with light bulbs and lights, I am getting strange things happening since mum passed 3 weeks ago Its comforting but just wondered if anyone else has had similar

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mum last February after a short battle with cancer. My world fell apart. I miss her every single day. I feel lost with out her. The little things hearing her voice not been able to phone her. We spike all the time. She was the first person i call on my way home from work. Ive tried to find ways to cope. Some days are better then some. But it is a daily battle. But ive learnt not to be to hard on myself. If i want to scream and shout i will. Its seems to help me. Dont hold in all in let it out put loud music and shout i do it in the car. People must think im crazy.

Oh Bettyboo thank you for replying. The grief I feel right now is so raw I can’t describe it.i just want to cry all the time In fact my face is constantly red and blotchy from crying.I can’t seem to function except do the things to I really have to. No one can snap me out of anything and I think the only way I can survive the next week and a half before her funeral is to shut myself off and sleep.i just want to be by myself as can’t be bothered to face people talk or even be around anyone
I have had to an mam’s funeral and do everything that has to be done and I have found it exhausting emotional beyond my wildest dreams and as if I am on another planet.I hate the word condolences when people meet me It upsets me so much.Haye the word died Can’t bring myself to use it so I say my mum has passed.Someone even used the word deceased that brought floods of tears and I couldn’t even speak to them for ages.The word sounded so unreal and just awful. I have no energy whatsoever.Even lifting my arm to wipe my years is a struggle. I don’t know how I will get through the funeral on Feb 6th. I want to be strong for mam’s sake and do her proud Thanks once again for replying and your kind words to me x Deborah

Hi Deborah
Im so sorry you are struggling but all these things u are having are normal. I remember those first weeks after my mum passed i to cant say out loud thats she has died. I think because it sounds so final. I haven’t been back to my mums house since her funeral i just cant go there. Even though my brother still lives there we have to meet away from the house. You need to do whatever is best for you ti get you though the funeral. If that means locking yourself away and trying to sleep then do that. Because u will need the strength to get though the funeral which will be the hardest thing you do. I was a complete mess but i wanted to do my mum proud she deserved to have a good send off and i managed to do the eulogy hiw i did i dont know. But i felt my mums presence with me the whole day. I have good days and bads days still now and it will be a year on the 24th Feb. Today i came home from work and ive cried most of the Afternoon so i know what red blotchy eyes are like. Maybe if you can try and speak to your Doctor they might be able to prescribe something to help. But grief is like the worse possible pain and you feel u will never get over it. But ive learnt to take it one day at a time. In the very beginning i was doing it hr by hr. There are no set rules. Im sorry i cant help you more because i feel your pain but please just speak out and ask for help. I didnt but wish i had found this page sooner. Take care

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I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mum last october and have a 1 yr old little boy. He fell tonight and badly banged his head, and although fine im still sobbing hours later cos i didnt know who to ring as my mum was always the one to call in emergencies. I hate needed her still and her not being there.
Would love to offer advice but I’m just slowly getting through each day and learning to open up and talk to people.
Keep smiling x

Thank you Bettybo and Hayley.
I am finding writing down my feelings a real help and this site is amazing.You think you are the only one going through this but quickly realise you are not alone.
I know my life will never be the same and a huge part of me just wants to give up now.I have a wonderful husband and 27yr old son who are helping me but I still feel so alone.I was the one who did everything for her and took her to do many places spending lovey quality time with her weekly.I don’t even know what I will do with my days now. I feel both your pain and know you both understand.
Today mam’s stairchair was taken out and the man who did it remembered installing it two years ago for my mam and spoke so highly of her It started crying all over again and I thought wow this is just the stairchair coming out so how am I going to get through a funeral I just want to be a better place on the day and in more control as I am the main person organising everything .I just wish she was here.I pray she gives me the strength to get through it.
Thank you for replying bec it’s helping me so much
Deborah x

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