Struggling to cope

I am 19 years old and my boyfriend of only a month took his own life on Friday night. Our relationship was very short but very intense, the pain I am feeling right now is as if we have been together for years. He struggled with his mental health and family life for many years and was having a bad week leading up to his death. I was going to see him on Friday night and he said it was the only thing getting him through the week. That day he told me his anxiety was playing up and his thoughts were getting darker and darker, and I realised I was unable to come and see him as I don’t drive and couldn’t afford a taxi or even a bus. I let him down so much by not making the effort to come and see him after he had been looking forward to it all week and especially after he ‘Was better off dead, didn’t understand why no one loved him, and didn’t ask to be born’ , I was too tired and lazy to take the situation seriously enough and thought comforting him over the phone would be enough, when I could have put in a little bit more effort e.g borrowing money off of somebody, to go and see him. Our last conversation was an argument where I was rude to him and he died believing I didn’t love him (never got the chance to say it as I thought it was too early), didn’t want him or care about him, and was going to leave him (his dad told him that I would because of his issues and how he couldn’t support me enough because of them).
I have my own mental health issues and was in hospital after a suicide attempt just over a month ago, just before I met him. He helped me so much, I wish I could have done the same for him.

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so sorry you’ve had to sign into this site at such a young age, but you have come to the right place, you will find and get the support you need, shall send you a private message presently,

my niece lost her husband in similar circumstances.

take care

blessings
Jen🦋

Dear Georgia,
What a heartbreaking situation you find yourself in. Please do not despair and do not hold yourself responsible for what happened to your boyfriend. It is important that you get the help you need. You have taken a brave step by coming to this site. You will find posts from others who have lost a loved one through suicide and will understand what you are going through, but I think that you could also do with professional help. One of the organisations that may be helpful to you is ‘UK Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide’. They run a telephone helpline from 9 am to 9 pm each day, this is their number: 0300 111 5065 and this is the link to their website: https://uksobs.org/we-can-help/covid-19/
Could you also get help from the mental health team that you are under for your own problems? If you have not done so, I would suggest you let them know what has happened. They may provide you with some extra support.
Please feel free to post on this site as often as you want to. I hope that you will get the help that you need.
Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug.
Jo

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Georgia. I am so sorry for your loss and please use this sight as it helps us all cope with loss. People lose their loved ones in different ways and we all carry the “what ifs”. You don’t know for sure if you had gone over to see him if it would have changed his mind. Please use all the help offered to you and speak to people, it does help. You are not alone. Sending hugs Shona x

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