Struggling to get my head around the loss of my mum

I was supposed to start grief counselling this week but it was cancelled and I have been struggling even harder than normal as I was really hoping that I would get some good advice that would help me to cope
It’s been nearly 4 months since my mum passed I have to keep looking at the calendar just to clarify because some times I still forget and go to ring her and it hits me like a physical blow
My sleep is awful I keep having horrible scary dreams and I still have a lot of sorting out to do mostly paperwork but I keep putting it of
I cry so easily and even though I have been offered medication I don’t really want to take anymore pills I take so many pain relief ones already
I feel so alone as I am not able to share my feelings with my family as I end up upsetting them to which makes me feel really quilty
I am a recovering addict and a part of my head is saying a drink or drugs might help numb the pain
I used both excessively to blot out the pain when my dad passed but I know that they don’t really help
But those thoughts keep popping up in my head
If I wasn’t housebound I know that I could very easily walk down those roads again and go to the shop

Dear Purpledreamer
I just wanted to send lots of warm wishes and support to you at this terribly sad and difficult time since your mum’s death.
I read your post a few times before writing this reply. I hope that you are able to feel encouraged and supported as time goes on. Is there anyone who can help with practical matters such as paperwork? It sounds as though you are having to confront a huge amount of things in your own.
How are things going with your recovery?
I also sometimes feel tempted to drink my hearbreak away after losing my Dad a few weeks ago. That was my coping mechanism when my Grandma died years ago…we were extremely close…I was distraught, and didn’t want to feel anything. After going off the rails for 6 months…my grief was delayed until detox…
I really hope things become easier for you in time, and you are able to confide in people who can help and understand.
Big hugs to you

Dear Purpledreamer,
I hope you are keeping ok. I just tried to send you a PM but it wouldn’t go through. Sending warm wishes and support to you.