Struggling to navigate grief after losing dad

Hi everybody,

I lost my beloved dad four months ago to cancer.

I’m struggling to cope with life as it is now. I’m trying to be patient with myself and allow myself to feel what I’m feeling but I’m finding it incredibly frustrating as I feel so tired and don’t want to do anything, yet I’m so bored and lonely. I know that if I do do something (even as simple as going outside to put something in the shed) I feel a bit better, so why don’t I help myself? Some days I will just sit in my pyjamas all day!

I have hundreds of books I want to read, yet feel like reading none. I HATE having to cook for myself every night, it feels such an effort. I don’t work as I feel physically and mentally unable to hold down a job. I deferred my University course when Dad was really poorly and don’t feel like I want to go back in September (to be honest I didn’t really like the course anyway).

I feel like I want to meet people and make new friends but I simply don’t have the energy - yet, I am so lonely! None of it makes sense.

My husband works away for long periods overseas so I spend a lot of time alone. I don’t have any friends in this town, and most of my immediate family live 45 minutes away (admittedly this isn’t a great distance). Usually I would stay with my mom at least once a week but due to recent circumstances I haven’t seen her as much.

Just feel crap all round. I am still finding it hard to believe my dad has gone. I know it’s early days but when does it sink in?!

My heart goes out to you all on here who are struggling.

Lots of love xxx

Hello Daffodil,
I am so sorry for your loss but you have taken a positive step in joining this wonderful forum. We are all grieving for a loved one, some who died very recently and some, like myself when I lost my husband a few years ago. The crux of the matter is you never get over it, how can you get over the death of someone you have known all your life or for most of your life, it is impossible. We trundle on day after day, looking for things to do to try and make the best of what we have been given and it is hard, it is very hard indeed.

It is very early days for you, you are in a daze not knowing which way to turn. I was an avid book reader when my husband of 47 years was alive, I have not touched one since the day he died, my concentration is shot, I watch a film but it has to be an easy to watch one as I cannot concentrate on the story line and this is after three years on my own. I go out shopping but I have to concentrate on what I am doing. I make a list and forget where I put the darned thing. This is because our minds are elsewhere.

You are grieving, pure and simple. Would it be possible, if you don’t have children, to go with your husband on some of his business trips and get away from it all, pay your own way if you have to and see new things so when you return you will feel stronger to cope with what has happened, because that is what we all are doing, coping the best way we can. You at the moment have been left to cope on your own and we all need someone if possible. When my husband died I had our children and grandchildren but even then all I wanted was my husband back, no-one else seemed to matter.

I will grieve forever but we have to get on with our lives as there is no other option but to do so. My dad died when I was 25, that was 50 years ago and I still miss him, our sons never met him, I was lucky, he gave me away at my wedding and then sadly died the year after, but I have that lovely memory of him walking me down the aisle. I have a video I took off a cine-reel and put it on my computer and added music.

Take your time, and if ever you need to talk there is always someone on here to talk to, sometimes in the early hours of the morning when we cannot sleep.

Thinking of you.

Sheila

xxxx

Dear Sheila,

Thank you so much for your lovely, comforting message. I am so sorry for your loss.

Like you, my concentration is totally shot and watching a film seems like a huge commitment! I’ve always been forgetful and a bit scatty but some days I can barely string a sentence together.

I keep having to remind myself that what I’m going through is a BIG deal. I have always been hard on myself but now is the one time that I need to stop being mean to myself and just be gentle and kind.

My husband has an interesting work arrangement. He works in Indonesia for 6-8 weeks then is flown home for for 3-4 weeks. There is a possibility I may be able to live there with him but it all depends on another staff member leaving. I am open to the idea of living there, I suppose we will just have to wait and see.

A little over a month before dad passed my now-husband proposed to me. We planned the wedding in two weeks flat because dad had just been diagnosed with brain tumours and I wanted him to be there. He did so well, he managed to stay out all day and did a lovely speech <3 Precious memories to treasure.

I have committed to going for a run with a local group tonight, I am looking forward to it.

Thanks again,

Rosie

Hi Daffodil, It seems that in the coming year you may have a lot of things to look forward to. I know you loved your dad and he loved you and you gave him one of the greatest gifts a daughter can give her dad and that was to ensure he was able to give you away at your wedding. I know how devastated my younger sister was when she got married two years after our dad died when he wasn’t there to give her away, no photos, no memories. You have those now and no-one can take them away from you.

You have all your life in front of you, your dad will always be with you, you will never forget him and you will always have your wedding photos of him giving you away and making a speech. Live your life to the full. It must be hard being a newly wed when your husband is working away but things may change in the future and you have all your lives together. I hope you will both be very happy in your marriage and know your dad will be looking down on you.

That is what keeps me going, knowing that one day I will see my beloved husband again.

Lots of love.

Sheila xx

Hi Daffodil, I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling, like you I lost my Dad too and life is never going to be the same again, Dad died 9 months ago and it still feels like yesterday, I wake in the night and I’m right back in that hospital room and it’s horrible, I like you are finding it hard, the days are easier when I’m at working cause I have that to think about and it’s quite a busy job, it’s the days I’m not working that I find hard, I just end up sitting around all day not getting anything done and then hating myself for wasting another day of my life, I know my Dad would hate to see me like this he always enjoyed listening to my adventures and not having him to tell about them makes them pointless in some way. I’m praying that in time I find better ways of dealing with the massive hole he has left, in the mean time we have to keep reminding ourselves how much our Dad’s loved us and with them watching over us we can achieve anything, take care x x