Hello. I am reading this and it feels like reading my feelings. My mum passed last week and I have her funeral on Tuesday. I dont know how to get through it. I have been dreading this moment all my life and stayed close by because of that fear. I have 3 brothers,but my mum disowned one and didn’t want him at her funeral but my other brothers have invited him. On top of losing mum I am so worried that things will kick off and ruin our farewell. Then after the funeral I am scared off the grief hitting …
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Hi Janet
I know how you feel, I have dreaded the moment all my life as well and lived nearby and mostly with my mum. It was so sudden and rapid that I just couldn’t believe it was happening. This moment that I had dreaded and never wanted to come, was really happening.
Like your brother, my mum and dad were separated and we were estranged for the last 3 years. I didn’t tell him mum was going, I didn’t even have time to process it myself but I’m not sure if she’d have wanted him there or anybody else. It was just me by her side and I do think that’s the way she’d have wanted it, although she started to go when I left the room and I don’t think she’d have wanted me to see it. It was incredibly traumatic but I’m glad I was.
Anyway, I went to see my dad and asked him to come with me to see mum at the funeral directors and to come to the funeral, it was very emotional. One of my auntie’s went berserk about him going to be there and I was worried there would be problems. In the end, it was all ok, my dad sat at the back incase my aunt was there. In the end, she didn’t come.
I worried about it beforehand like you but try not to worry too much. I mentioned it to the minister beforehand and she said arguments at funerals are very common apparently and she was used to it. She said she’d keep and eye out and ask them to leave of any problems, so maybe you could mention it to whoever is conducting the service. The very last thing you need is arguments but it is nice your brother will be there.
The funeral is hard, just like the last moments, it only happens once and I tried so desperately to everything right. It was early days seeing my dad but I wanted him there with me. My only regret was not having him at the front with me but it was all just so hard knowing what to do. What really brought it home, was all my life, everything I did I ran by mum. My mum was the boss. But suddenly one of my aunties said “It’s all down to you now Adam, you’re in charge every decision is your decision”.
It was all go to the funeral, and somehow it was like in my mind mum was coming back afterwards or something. I had my best friend who was abouts helping me. But it was afterwards Janet that it really got hard. My friend took off, literally, on holiday, and then was nowhere to be seen. I was left completely on my own and all I have is my dad. I think deep down although he was a terrible husband, my mum would hopefully be glad he’s there for me now.
My main advice would be after the funeral to try and maintain as many people around as possible. Because the few weeks afterwards is when it dawned on me. People will come and go but even if it’s your brothers, just anyone is the main thing. You will be very tired and resting is important too.
Hi Adam
Thank you for your response… I am really scared about how I will be after the funeral. I have always said to others, it is afterwards it will hit. When I lost my dad, I put all my focus on my mum, now she is gone I feel I am going to be hit with a double whammy.
I am so sorry for how you are struggling too
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Hi Janet, so sorry you’re going through this. I lost my mum 8 weeks ago and it’s hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.
I agree with Adam, I also was worried about tension and arguments ruining my mum’s funeral and I did quite a lot of reading about how to cope. I told the priest too and he was helpful, he actually called the person I was worried about just to have a pleasant conversation not about the disagreement. I also read to not focus on that person just sort of blank them out in your mind. I did that and it all went off beautifully, it was such a relief.
But the last weeks following have been tough. I think the first feeling of relief that it went well was strong but then suddenly it was taken over with just complete and utter sadness. I’ve probably moved between that sadness, a bit of anger and numbness in between little periods of ok I can do this. I’ve tried to focus on having a structure; going to work, doing gentle housework, cooking etc but not too much. I’ve just this week met a friend for lunch and another for coffee. Adam’s right it’s exhausting so lots of rest. I’ve talked to my mum in my head and out loud. I’ve told her how hard things are and I hope she’s pleased with my decisions etc.
Good luck with it all and much love and you can always message me if you need help and this site is great for support from others going through this horrible journey. Xx
I so agree Dolly. I felt the same after the funeral, I called my auntie in Canada to tell her it all went well, as she was also worried there would be tensions. We were both thrilled it all went so well and I remember almost buzzing. The feeling was like “oh I can’t wait to tell mum it all went ok” but it quickly passed. I realised how real it all was, the funeral was over, my mum was laid to rest and she wasn’t coming home this time. It is so heartbreaking.
One of the hardest things too was when I went to see my mum for the last time before the funeral. I sat there reading cards I’d given her like “Thank you for all you do for me” and being the best mum in the whole world. It was the feeling it was the last time, it took a lot to leave her. The funeral directors were great. I remember the older lady that worked there crying. She said how used to it she was, but every now and again there’s one that really upsets her and this was one.
My dad said how beautiful she looked, I was worried if I’d chosen the right clothes but she was wearing her cream jacket and I put on it a wee tartan bow she gave me for a wedding I went to. I cut a little bit of her hair. I didn’t take a photo, it’s not something that would have felt right at all. She felt so cold but I put my head on hers and I thought about us in the car at the sea front having our fish and chips, it was our favourite. I just wanted her to wake up but she looked so at peace. She almost looked like she had a little smile, the sigh she gave when she went was like a relief. As I cuddled her, there was a slight part of me that knew she was out of the pain.
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Yes that’s how I felt, ‘buzzing’ the relief that she had the send off she deserved. But like you I quickly felt desolate that she was gone and I couldn’t tell her how amazingly well her funeral went and how much everyone loved her.
I didn’t see her in the funeral home but my grownup children did. I sent a Mother’s Day card that went with her telling her how much I loved her and thanking her for being the best mum. My children said she looked just like she was asleep and peaceful. I’m trying to think at least she’s free from pain now like you but overwhelmingly just want her back.
Today is hard I’ve snuck upstairs away from the family for a bit as my mum would have always been with us enjoying her Easter roast and a little snooze in the armchair after dinner.
I hope you have the best day you can and take care xx
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I struggle too .
Thank you I’m getting there slowly I have my cousin’s to talk to but no real friends around were I live
Thank you so much. I think I am in a bit of denial at the moment as still doing normal things, just keeping busy, then itdoesnt seem real. We have all decided to just blank him at the funeral, as if he came it would be to provoke a reaction. Thank you so much for your support x
I am going back to see mum and say my final goodbyes tomorrow and dreading it. I had wondered about having a lock of hair…really not looking forward to facing the rrst of my life without her
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I must admit, it has not felt like easter today xx
Totally agree
I was glad I got to say goodnight and goodbye to my mum it’s does give you peace take care of yourself
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Leaving will be so hard tomorrow, but I need to go. Take care of yourself too x
I know I just thought we got through the day and it had nice bits but I still can’t believe my mum’s not here. I’m not sure my mind has really grasped that she’s not just gone to visit someone and I’m scared that when my mind processes it properly I will be unable to function at all.
That’s what we did, we just didn’t make eye contact or look at him and I worried that it would look odd and people would wonder but it was actually ok and it worked.
X
I know I just thought it was fine but no real joy and so strange without my mum she was always a central part of our family celebrations. Sorry you had a hard day too
Thank you everyone. I am so sorry you are feeling the same as me xx
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Hi heather
I recently lost my mum just this Thursday from an acute illness where we had to withdraw treatment on the ICU.
It had been a week or two since I saw mum and then this was the last time I would see her. It was literally horrendous.
I’m still in total shock. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through the same
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Please remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve or deal with someone’s death, it’s very personally. I didn’t see mum at funeral home, that was our choice. sis and i aren’t catholic so had no idea what was going on at her mass, there were so many people we were late for crem. I did ok at 1st always have a lot going on in may/june (mum died end of march). Also kept thinking mum would want me to carry on, go to rugby, concerts, agricultural shows etc - it was a distraction. Fell apart in oct been off work since. Have to go back to work soon - dreading it tho sure it wont be as hard as i expect. Take care.
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I am sorry Millie
You just have to be kind to yourself when you go back to work.
I hope you have some support networks there. I’m hoping my bereavement team will see me.
I’m in that shock still , like overwhelmed sadness and fatigue. Guilt for having a conversation that involves a small laugh about something. It feels a strange world to live in right now