I found this forum after typing ‘I want my mum back’ and am hoping to find some support.
I’m 38 (M), Mum passed away early March and Dad roughly 4 years prior. While initially I didn’t respond well to Dad’s passing as we’d had a conflicted relationship I’d come to terms that everything he did was with giving us the best life possible.
I was much closer with my Mother and in the months leading up to her passing I had taken time away from work to act as carer for her.
She was a relatively private person and didn’t let on to anyone how bad her condition was, it was clear she wasn’t well but no-one in the family knew how unwell.
I’d rather not go into details of her condition but I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I did what I could given what I was or wasn’t told.
While everyone around me has been so supportive and have all reiterated that I did everything I could for her, I still feel pangs of guilt that I could have done more.
But above all else I miss her and Dad beyond anything words can say, the house just feels so empty without her welcoming voice and hugs.
I know this is something that will take time to come to terms with but right now all I feel is immense sadness.
Hello @BHall2110,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
You might also want to look at: Losing a parent - coping with the death of a parent | Sue Ryder
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi Bhall2110,
I am so sorry to read about your mum.
Just wanted to say that feeling guilty over anything even the slightest thing is normal. I lost my mum just over two years ago and feel guilty over certain things even though I did absolutely everything for her and was with her 24/7 for the past 6 weeks of her life.
Guilt is terrible and consumes a person. You will feel all the emotions you can ever think of. My advice is to go with all the emotions. Keep telling yourself you did every you could for your mum and took the right decisions based on what was explained to you at the time. It’s something that’s going to take so much time to get through.
Keep posting on here. This site is a lifeline. People on here understand and will reply with supportive comments.
Sending love and strength to you
Deborah
Thank you so much for the kind words and support.
I think what I’m missing the most is the comfort she gave, her hugs and her reassuring voice. I had a dream last night with her in it and woke up in tears.
HiBhall2110,
Yes you will miss all those and always will. I still do after 2 years. You learnt to live with grief alongside you. It never goes away. Well it hadn’t got me anyway.
We are all different so try to find ways that help you.
For me I couldn’t function for at least 3 months and I mean couldn’t function. I fell apart completely. Then I found this site and it was a lifeline. I made a point of checking for messages, reading other posts etc and gradually made friends with people who truly understood.
Then I set myself small targets. To start with a target for every morning then every afternoon. Tiny targets like a walk in my garden and picking a few flowers for a vase next to mum’s photo, setting up a memory table, planting done flowers, sorting something line a draw in my house, rearranging something line books on a bookshelf, going for a short drive in the car. Try anything you can to help you.
Post on here as much as you want. You will be so surprised at the lovely replies you will get which will urge you on.
The dreams are normal. I like yo think they are signs from my mum telling me she’s with me.
This is the hardest time for you. The raw of the rawness times. But you will get stronger. It will take ages even months before you feel you can function again but you will.
Sending love
Deborah
Hey,
I’m 37 and in a very similar situation . I lost my Dad over a year ago in a horrific way which I won’t go into, and I just lost my Mum 4 weeks ago, again in a very sudden way with a short lived aggressive illness.
I can really relate to the feelings of guilt with my Mum. Since my Dad’s passing I got really close with my Mum but when she very suddenly took ill and ended up in ICU, I was very traumatised to go and see her and it brought everything back from my Dad’s passing. So I only went up 2 or 3 times a week and I always feel like I didn’t do enough or spend enough time with her. I’m absolutely heartbroken I’ve lost her and feel so vulnerable. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. You’ve already been so strong by posting on here. Just take a day at a time and it’s ok to take a break from things for a while. Be gentle with yourself.
Hugs
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post really resonates with me as I’m in a similar situation.
I’m 39 and lost my beloved mum back in November. Losing mum was always my biggest fear and my worst nightmare. She had been unwell for some time but when it happened, it was so quick and still so unexpected. Mum always recovered and pulled through but this time felt so different. I was in complete denial and I don’t think my mum knew or wanted to go but she did tell me she felt she was going downhill and dying. I couldn’t accept or process what was happening.
When it happened, I couldn’t take in that this was really happening. My best friend, my partner, my care support, my everything in life was going and there was nothing I could do about it We lived for each other. When I see people and tell them, even though they hardly knew us, they all say everybody knew she was your everything, Adam.
It’s nearly 6 months and I am still in complete shock. I keep sleeping, hoping that I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare. I used to have dreams that mum would pass and would wake up crying and the immense relief when I realised it was a dream. I had this nightmare not long before it happened and was crying terribly in my sleep. I even asked my mum if she heard me.
I miss her making the tea, waving me off to work, watching the TV together. In so many ways, I feel not only that I have lost my mum but I have been widowed. I just wish I had told her how much I loved her more and I have a deep regret that I didn’t save her or do something. When she was going, it was so harrowing and I even tried giving her CPR to save her but in the end, I had to tell her it was ok to go. It was unbearable and is the most heartbreaking and devastating event in my life and the sad part is, it was always going to be. I have had health problems and my mum always thought for some reason that I would go before her. For me personally, that would have been better, but for my mum, she said that it would have killed her and I know that it would have. But the pain I am suffering is so unbearable.
I have no siblings, no family, just my dad who I was estranged with but now am closer to again. But all I want is my mum, I feel like a child back in the school playground worrying about her. I needed her so much and I wish I had told her that more and that she was my world.
I don’t know what I will do in the long term, the realisation of the years ahead without her is too hard to handle.
My mum passed nearly 6 months ago and it’s still as raw today as it was the night she passed. I had a totally different relationship with my mum, she made me choose between my now husband and her when I was 16 , she didn’t approve of him as I had unexpectedly fallen pregnant so I chose my husband, we’ve now been together 35 years and still very happily married, 4 children and up to press 3 grandchildren later , she forces me to leave home as she wanted nothing to do with me because I had “ruined my life” my husband had just joined the armed forces so I moved with him to family quarters and later on abroad , we only reconnected around 10 years ago when we moved back to the uk, she had never met my children she didn’t know I had any, I had a different relationship with my late dad though as he was the one who kept in touch , mum never asked him about us so he never told , over the last few years we did gain a somewhat strained relationship but I now wish that we both weren’t so stubborn and had more of a relationship
Me to am struggling with PTSD and anxiety with my mum death
Thank you everyone that has posted, it pains me to hear how you’re grieving as well and my heart goes out to you all. Knowing that what I’m feeling is normal helps a little and some of the situations resonate with me.
I feel like I’m sleeping longer, or at least finding myself less motivated to wake up and face the day. I’ve had to call the crematorium today to collect Mum’s ashes, it almost doesn’t feel real.
I hope today goes ok, much love this is so hard isn’t it. I’m going to the crematorium to look at their rose garden today and talk about a memorial rose for mum’s ashes…it all feels wrong she should be calling me asking me to order her a take away rather than me thinking about her in terms of a box of ashes cry:
I totally understand how it doesn’t feel real. When I walked up to see my mum at the funeral directors, I kept saying go myself “this isn’t real, this is a nightmare”. For me, part of the ongoing battle is now living on my own as well. In some ways, I wish I had had a more independent life already. It was something I was trying to do but I could never really do it. As my mum became more ill, it was harder to go anywhere or do anything except go to work. I’ve always been one for travelling but mum became more insistent I stayed at home all the time, saying things like “I think you should just stay at home and not go anywhere” and I was like “och I can’t do that mum”. I just didn’t understand what was happening, I didn’t know. I didn’t go away much, didn’t go out at weekend to the pub or anything. I didn’t have much of a social life at all, I was at home all the time.
I had about 10 days holiday in the summer when she was still feeling ok, only when she felt alright.
One time about a year ago, I sort of went away early one morning for the weekend and just said I’ve found a cheap flight mum are you ok? I’ll be back tomorrow. I packed my case and went out of the house, it felt like it was something I needed to do. I don’t know why, like I was preparing myself for a life without her being there. There was also a slight part of rebellion, “no I am doing this” Of course I feel so incredibly guilty for going anywhere now, if I had known, I would never have left her at all. But we both didn’t know it would be so soon, 3 months, I didn’t know and was trying to have some sort of a life because I just didn’t know. She even told me to have a few more days when I was away and of course I phoned and text practically every night to check she was ok.
I thought we had a few years at least together. My mum had been up and down health-wise for years, my whole life really, but nothing made me think it was going to happen so soon. I said to her the week she was going in hospital “but you were fine when I went away in the summer for that week” and she replied kinda shrugging “och I was… I was ok”. Like intimating that she wasn’t really and didn’t let on or something. That’s hard to handle and I feel so incredibly guilty that my heart feels like it’s breaking.
I wanted a bit of a life but of course with my mum there. But I was so naive and stupid, I didn’t stop to realise, if my mum isn’t here, then nothing matters anyway. I should just be grateful she is here. She told me she missed me when I was away but also laughed and said but I’ve got a lot less washing to do. I said I missed her too but I never thought in a few months we would be apart for the rest of my life.
Hi Bhall210,
I had to collect my mums ashes from the undertaker and when i arrived he had someone in his office and i sat in the entrance waiting. I noticed flowers on the floor and quickly realised they were mums. Omg it hit home she was back.
Going into the office was something I will never forget because there was mum on the chair in a wooden box. I immediately picked the box up and sobbed. I remember walking to the car with her and it was heartbreaking.
I am thinking of you collecting your mums ashes and sending you love and strength to get through it.
Hi dolly P5 yes i agree it feels so strange to be doing all we have done so far. Its very hard going.
The rose is a lovely memorial for your mum.
Adam 86 Hi I can honestly say i felt the same as you did walking into teh funeral directors and seeing mum. It was a feeling that I cant explain. I was numb to be honest as i couldnt believe it.
This is all so raw for you. You will find your way in life and hopefully travel again once you begin to get your strength back It will take ages but you will get strionger to cope. Its been 2 yrs for me since mum passed and i havent been able to travel at all except to meet friends i have met on this site. And it was wonderful to share my grief with them. I will travel further afield one day but not at the moment.
Its normal to feel guilty about all sorts of things and I have been racked with guilt over so many things . Small things really but still feel guilty about certain things.
Keep posting on here as there are so many lovely people going through exactly teh same who really really understand.
Deborah
Thank you so much Deborah, it means so much. I managed to go away for the first time a few weeks ago. My father took me to the station and I cried all the way there. I was a bit better when I was away as it was just like being away normally. It’s strange because I was trying not to phone my mum quite so much latterly and she wasn’t phoning or texting me so much and I wonder if it was because I was sorting of preparing myself, if we both were. However, I think it was partly because I was 38 and felt I needed to try and be more independent because I wanted to maybe work abroad for a while. My mum was also supportive of this but deep down, I would never have left her and never did. She told me why don’t you go for 6 months and I had this awful feeling she maybe thought she had about a year. When I was on holiday in Dubai in August, I met a few people. One guy I met in a bar one night, I went out as it wasn’t something I ever did at home. He told me about how losing his mother was the worst thing in his life. I remember saying “I can’t even imagine what that would be like” … A few days later I met another guy I became friends with. He told me how his father had recently died. Again I said “oh dear, I’m so sorry”. 2 people, within days, both had discussed losing their parents.
I believe now it was something higher up trying to warn me. However my mum was relatively ok at this point. I still remember her picking me up at he station and I drove home and it was a lovely summer night telling her all about it. But before she picked me up, I remember sitting waiting and I had this sadness feeling. But then her Honda Jazz rolled up and she jumped over to the passenger seat. I loved her so much 
In the last few months I used to drive past the end of our street a few times and thought to myself "one day mum won’t be at home anymore’. I now find myself doing this and I wonder if I knew deep down. I had never thought that way before.
So many things happened, like they were signs. I also started grieving almost 2 weeks before she passed when she was still at home.
Coming home in the plane last week was when it really hit me, I’m going home to an empty house and “what is home?” Because my mum was “home”. My father picked me up, from another station, and again I cried all the way home and ever since. I used to get my case and she’d laugh omg I’ll be washing forever. My case is still at the bottom of the stairs… Just waiting on mum to put the washing on 
I know how you feel I was close to my mum and miss her hope you have friends and find support from here
Hi Adam86,
You sound so much like my son with his washing!!!
I think looking back my mum must have known something because of the things she said. I also thought a lot of what it would be like without her and I realise now I was unconsciously preparing myself.
When I went to my mum’s house after she passed and stayed there I survived by telling myself she was upstairs or in the garden etc. It was heartbreaking.
I sorted her things slowly and over a Year and a half later I sold her house. Taking my time to remove items helped me rather than doing it all the same time.
I stayed in her house numerous times but eventually I realised it was just a house and not a home as mum was the home.
Do what’s best for you and in your own time.
Are you able to still live in the house?
Just take small steps and survive each day for now. That is more than enough
Deborah
I relate to so much of your post. Thank you for finding the words. I feel too exhausted to articulate how I’m feeling, but I want to acknowledge it for my mum. This is so hard
I haven’t picked up my mum yet but hopefully I will get though it take care
Still haven’t got round to clearing my mum’s clothes and I’m living in the house slowly getting there
Hi Jane 31,
It’s still so raw for you. Take your time as it’s such early days. It just over 2 yes for me so I have had some time to process things.
I find looking at mums clothes and indeed wearing some items is so I comforting. Luckily mum was very modern at 89 so a lot of her clothes suit me. Some not but I haven’t thrown anything out yet. Have given a few items away but it’s done hard to part with them.
Just opening the wardrobe I can smell her perfume on them.
Take small steps every day. It’s the only way to survive this.
Do you have any family ?
Thinking of you
Deborah x