Struggling to survive without him

You did brilliantly today. Things will come and go I find.
Hiding the pain from loved ones is very hard.
I too have gone up to the bedroom to lie on the floor where I found him and tried to save him. Those moments of pain are terrifying in their fierce longing for what is lost.
No one can understand if they haven’t been through it.
I’m also careful who I engage with in conversation. I’m so vulnerable right now that I don’t want to hear the wrong things. None of it is easy. Be gentle with yourselves out there. We know the extent of our trauma. Take care.

1 Like

Woke up this morning feeling just terrible, hopeless & stomach heaving. It is 5 weeks today, when he was just gone in the blink of an eye
I’ve really been trying so hard but just not sure I can get through this. Christmas was such a special time, now it feels like torture. I don’t want to do this.


Hello Billslove,
I am feeling your pain so completely. The loss is like a physical sickness that overwhelms you. How is it possible to expect a human being to cope with such devastating trauma?
Everything feels pointless. I am holding your hand very tightly today because there are no words of comfort that will help. Don’t think ahead to Christmas. This year it will come and it will go. It’s a day! Try not to allow the thoughts in about how it should be. I know that’s hard but I’m right there with you trying to do exactly the same.
Avoid TV adverts and any other hype that goes with it.
Somehow keep putting one foot in front of the other if you can. I am right behind you.

1 Like

Thank you so much Seasurge, you really understand & I know that’s because you are I’m the same dreadful place XXX
I have been avoiding adverts etc too
My son is coming home next week ref admin still to do & wants us to put up the tree etc, says his Dad would have wanted that. Just the day before he died he bought some lights for outside, said we needed to brighten people’s lives, especially this year. I am holding your hand too & sending a big hug xx

We would have been married for 35 years on 21/12… That date meant such a lot to us

If you put the lights up with your son then think of the bright light that your husband still is. If it’s what he would want then it has to be right.
21/12 will always be special, always in your heart.
There are no words for this are there?

Yes we need to carry their bright light with us somehow don’t we I want to but it is so hard… Thank you, my heart goes out to you , special new friend & everyone suffering like this, especially at this excruciatingly difficult time

We will help each other all we can.

Billslove and Seasurge, your posts bring tears to my eyes as it is how I feel too.

Today my brother helped me finish the front door patch René had made and I indulged myself in sending a WhatsApp to René’s brothers and sisters in The Netherlands with a picture to show them (probably they are not very interested but I will wait a few hours with looking back at my phone to give me something to maybe look forward to in case they share a photo of René or some memory as they sometimes have done).

Being outside for an hour, even in the very cold Manchester drizzle-pregnant air felt quite nice. Each of the times I have felt best has been outside. Also being with my brother is nice because he just lets me be but is there.

Last night I went to bed like a moody child after my mum was arranging someone she knows to come and look at my drains which seem to be all blocked. I tried talking to my friend about it but she got annoyed with me, sent me some video on youtube about a logfire and told me to watch that and go to sleep. She couldn’t understand why I am mad with my mum about this (I cant either really, my mum is lovely but i think she blocked the drains because she kept removing the special plug René had put in and ignoring his advice i told her about not putting things down the sinks/toilet but she did it anyway). Anyway now they are blocked and need fixing and my mum is trying to get them fixed so i should be very grateful i know. Especially when I know some people manage with little or no support, a lot of people here have it so hard.

Today I noticed that there is mould growing on the outside cabin René had built and it is because some gutter clips have broken and the gutter is not working so the rain is dripping there. I told my Stepdad later and he was talking about taking it down and going to B&Q and that also made me want to scream “NO!”. I don’t know why I am reacting like this when people are trying to help me but it is because I feel everything René made that was perfect is now breaking and his work will be gone when others fix it. We never had so many things break when he was here. I can’t understand it but I feel very angry at people helping me but also cannot solve these things alone.

Seasurge that you also lay down in the spot where you tried to save him makes me somehow feel not so incredibly weird and mental, thank you, even though I am sorry you also had this possibility. Billslove - to know you also think you need to be careful about when to contact his family. These shared experiences make me feel a little less alone.

21/12 sounds to me (previously a Christmas-nut) a lovely day to get married Billslove. Maybe if you feel like it sometime you can tell us about the day you got married and how it all was getting married so near Christmas?

I am sorry that now those good memories are overshadowed by what we are having to endure now and I hope it won’t always be like that but I have no idea if it will because so far every day feels harder than the last one. I guess the feelings we have are as old as time but it feels like no one could possibly have survived this, I don’t know how we will but glad to have this place to come to. I wish you some good hours everyone x

I understand how you feel about your home and about people trying to help you. You are being protective of all the things Rene made for you and are angry that others are doing things differently. It all adds to that feeling of aloneness. Others do things in their way, you and your loved one had a special way of doing things and now the other half of you is gone, you feel vulnerable and angry and it hurts! Sometimes we lash out at those we love, like your mum. You know in your heart that she is doing her best for you. She knows you are hurting. It will resolve itself eventually.
There are many people ( outside of family members) who I choose not to engage with at the moment, it’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they have no real idea of the depth of your misery and loss. So it’s easier not to. It’s self preservation.
That’s why, on this site, even though we don’t know each other, we do understand the anguish and pain and trauma that has fallen upon us. Easier not to expect others to help and support because they have absolutely no idea what is happening to you.
Be kind to yourself. Your grief is part of your love.
We’re here for each other on this site. I know Billslove is here too. Let’s help each other all we can.

1 Like

Hello Billslove, Your 35th wedding anniversary on 21/12/20 should still be a special day for you. It is the date of the winter solstice when the light will begin to return to the earth towards spring after this date. Maybe there is a message there for you. It is also your Coral anniversary. The coral stone signifies peace and transformation, It supports in times of change. It helps you value the past and embrace the future. You may want to buy one for yourself. Thinking of you. Take care.

1 Like

What a lovely message Jean2 and some thought provoking sentiments.
Hope those thoughts help you Billslove.

Thank you Jean, you are so kind,

Just reading your post this morning, I was walking with my lovely husband on the royal birkdale sands back in April with our dogs and my Roy just collapsed and went into cardiac arrest and died on the spot he also appeared fit and well,everybody tried there best but there was nothing to be done,I never saw him again, the pain is unbelievable I thought we had years ahead of us, he was 72 but still working we run a roofing company, anyway just want to send some love and best wishes to you. Alison x

It’s Sunday morning,
The isolation and emptiness I feel inside is like a physical pain. I’m almost afraid to cry this morning because the hurt is so bad I dread it overwhelming me once again like it has done most days since I lost my lovely husband just over 9 weeks ago.
I don’t think this life sentence will ever be over.


Dearest Seasurge,
I am with you, I am sending a big hug and holding your hand tightly. Some days it is just too painful. Try to go out for a walk somewhere nice today. It will still hurt without him but you will you space to think and breathe xxxxxx


Its so hard… I am 4 .5 weeks into this and I can honestly ask the question, who am I? I consider myself to be strong but I just dont know where my life has gone and who I am. We were one, there is no doubt about that … I am so sad for all of you. I get the feeling that I am already moving forward and I am proud of that, I think I am strong and I will get through but, there are times that I feel so shaken, so lost and so vulnerable that I have thoughts that are what I consider to be irrational. It helps me to ask my question to myself, when I’m walking around in circles, thinking silly things and what ifs, and did he look ill at our wedding in August, in the photos, should we have known and so on, should we have called the nurse that day, did we dramatize and make it happen ----- I check myself Is this rational and then with a large resounding no, I move forward. I had the sob of a life time last night and I’m drained today because of it, the insensitivity of one of his family members, wow, knocked me for six. How can people be so petty lol x

Please try this as an exercise a day - spend two minutes of silence listening to the birds or the rain or any other form of nature, close your eyes and remind yourself that this is, harshly what life is about and we have to accept that this loss happens. Choose anyway you want to spend two minutes, embrace the time you had and make yourself think positive x its helping me but I have to make myself do it x

Here is another dreary sad day for all of us, rainy and cold x But we are still here x without our love, no where to put itx to focus it, mindblowing x x

All good wishes to you

Hello Seasurge, I feel your pain and it is made all the more difficult with lockdown uncertainty and with Christmas approaching. Weekends seem to be the worst. Crying is all part of releasing the pain we feel and it is still all very new and raw for you. As the loss of your husband was unexpected you are also still in shock. Each day will be slightly different. We all understand exactly where you are at as we’ve all been there. For a lot of us it is very recent. Do keep posting. You need to release these feelings so that others can help you. Do join all of us on Christmas Eve at 7pm by lighting a candle for our loved ones. We will all be united in our love and care for each other. Take care.

1 Like

I can’t do this. My mum stays with me and I know I’ll lose her soon too so should treasure this time but I was awake a lot thinking ill tell her to go home today so I can cry and do things I want to.

I can’t breathe today. Also don’t want to be alone even though I do. I’m just so sad.

It’s so hard but you know you can do this x you can x

1 Like