Thankyou @Cinders21. So I asked Mum to stay at her own place tonight and she left this morning. I’ve been listening to music, looking on here and crying. Going to try Netflix now. The thing I keep wondering is why am I bothering… where am I trying to get to. Aren’t I just prolonging the misery?
Hope you are all doing better than me, love xxx
Hi everyone I lost my heartbeat 1 month tomorrow and today had been so bad . We were meant to be taking the little ones to see father Xmas today but obviously it never happened as he’s gone . Where is he? Why did he leave me? Is he safe and happy ? These questions keep going around my mind it’s driving me crazy . As I didn’t go take kids to see Santa my son decided I needed to go out for food with him , daughter in law and older grandkids . I got so panicky and just wanted to be back home. Sobbed all way there in car with my grandson . Picked at the food and sobbed all way back. I feel so much anxiety and panic when I go out. Will I ever get over these feelings . Will I ever feel normal . I miss him so much I just want to be with him wherever he is . Heartbroken
Hello Mazz, All of us on this site have been through exactly the same feelings as you are having. The tears just come from nowhere and sometimes for no apparent reason. You are wondering if your loved one is happy and is he safe. You may want to look on Amazon for some books on the afterlife. You will get a lot of reassurance from them and you may even get signs from him that he is still watching over you. Lots of us on this site have had signs asnd I think there is a thread called Psychic Phenomenon you may like to browse. Just let the tears come. It is true what they say - Grief is love with nowhere to go. Take care.
Thankyou Jean2 for the reassurance . I hope your as well as can be yourself. I can’t see a way out of this black hole I’m sinking into. I’m having my first night on my own and I just want to scream and shout out loud we’re are you . Why did you leave me so suddenly, he was only 58 in August . We had so much we had planned to do together . Now all our dreams and plans have gone along with him. Iv not taken any sleeping pills for a few days but I reckon I will be taking some tonight . I don’t feel him around me at all and I just want to know he’s ok .
The pain is unbearable trying to be strong in front of family and friends so as not to upset them but sometimes it can’t be helped. How are we to go on loving this life without them 
Hi Maz, I am suffering anxiety when I go out too. Its vile, I can honestly say there is a part of me that has begun to get used to him not being in the house, I kind of accept that he is not here although when I do break down, the pain is awful. Going out, I feel spaced out and strange, almost as if I am closer to him at home than anywhere. Watching life moving around me is just not good for me at the moment. It will be 5 weeks on Wednesday for me and his funeral was yesterday, the finality of it all is basically ’ doing my head in’ . Its like, I now have no control. Its almost as if, although I say the right things, I think I’m feeling the right things, the grief, the depth of the grief is hitting me now. We are all normal, our grief is very different, it isn’t a matter of getting over the loss, its about learning to live with it. I was on my own for 18 years and loved being single, it took us both a while to give into the want to be together, we had an amazing five years and got married on the 21st August of this year. We had no idea that he was so ill a the time. We feared it from around the 22nd September but terminal diagnosis was given on the 22nd of October, we thought we had a cancer journey, we were set up and ready for it but by the 26th of October his health plummeted and he died on the 4th November, like a count down to lift off, a rocket going off. Like a slow car crash, you know its happening but you are still in disbelief as you are when they are gone. I feel very blessed to have had the five years but also so cheated. We had such a wonderful time, just me and him as all our children were older. We had met as boyfriend and girlfriend in 1978 and re found each other … I feel so lucky but really wish we had had longer. He was special and unique to me as our partners are, as unique as our grief and the areas and life and person that we grieve for. I can not send enough love to all of you on here, I only wish I could take away this grief. However, it is where we are and we have to move forward with it. I have no doubt, I will never get over this loss, but I will keep taking steps forward and that includes going out when I can hack it and hopefully getting back to work soon. People are struggling with Christmas and that hurts me, I’m glad I have something to plan for right now, I think. I’m so confused by this, I have always taken things in my stride, accepted life as it hits. This is on another level for me but, you see, I promised him I would do everything to live my best life without him. I have to hold that promise for him and for my family that love me. The pressure is on. I sound strong? I sobbed for hours last night, I sobbed when I woke,I have wondered around like a zombie today. I am irritated by the news, I can not look at couples and I feel weak and vulnerable. I want the powerful me back, I am determined but the struggle is real. x x x All my love to every single one of you x
Cinders I’m exactly the same . In the house I walk from room to room asking why why why 
but the anxiety and panic attacks when I leave the house is unbearable . I hate feeling like this and just want to get home again. No idea why as it’s empty without his big jolly laugh and joking. His big hugs when I come in and saying he missed me. He left me alone now I miss him so much my pain is awful . As everyone on here’s must be as we’re all going through the same grief fir our loved ones.
I’m dreading Xmas as he loved it so much , loved putting the tree and Xmas lights up . Non of that happening in our home this year, they will all stay in the loft . I know I have to make an effort as our grandkids will be excited but I also know won’t be able to wait till I can come home and curl up in bed again. This is all I want to do at the moment
Much love to you all xxx
my decor is up! Only because, I know what he would want, the house will be full of people. I will spend some time spaced out at Christmas, I know I will but, its different for me. We had every Christmas together but we didnt make a fuss x we had decorations and dinner but a quiet affair… Im not sure why I dont feel Christmas is an issue BUT i guess it will be on the day x
Really really bad night, this is when I feel so sad & hopeless without him. I can’t sleep & my stomach churns. My lovely son is coming home on Thursday & rang to say that he is staying for 3 weeks as he can work from home. Normally he just stays for a few days. I am relieved, it has been sooo lonely & it will give me a reason to function. He also wants to " do Christmas " says his Dad would have wanted that. Bill brought lights for the outside of the house the day before he died. I’m scared to even think about our beloved Xmas tree but will be guided by my son.
Sending kind thoughts to you all, keep taking little steps, I know that’s all I can manage. For me it’s just too terrifying to look ahead xxxx
That is really good to hear your son will come for three weeks Billslove and good idea to be guided by him re. decorations.
Tonight the rotary santa will parade my street. This was something my husband and I always looked forward to like kids and we’d be looking out for it and listening for the approaching music and have a glass of sherry or some other Xmas drink.
2 years ago they said they may miss out our street and surrounding ones due to some teenagers had thrown eggs at santa, we wrote to them and asked them to still come as we loved it so much and they still come.
We’d stand in our front garden wrapped up cuddling and René would video some of it and send to his family in Holland as they don’t have that there. Afterwards we’d come in and watch a Christmas film snuggled on the sofa.
Now I know its coming tonight I feel panicked. Whether to try and turn the TV up and ignore it or ask my brother to come over and watch it or something. Each of these things that used to be splendid now feel like special torture. No one would expect me to be upset about this silly thing but its been on my mind for days…
Hello FleurDeLis. I feel your pain over the Rotary Santa and all your fond memories. I think many of us here will have our own special Christmas things to be sad about. I had made an advent calendar for Mike which I did every year. Just sticky notes with special little messages to show how much i loved him. I decided I will open one number each day on his behalf but it feels so very sad to do it alone. I cannot put decorations up or listen to Christmas carols either. I had my first Christmas card today addressed only to me. Just placing a Christmas grocery order online has had me in floods of tears today as there are so many goodies I would love to have ordered for him.
It will be tough this Christmas for all of us this year but by sharing our feelings we will get through it. Love to you all.
You are so right, Jean2. Sharing our feelings really does help. I have a wonderful family who have supported me totally since I lost Tony, but there is only so much I can expect them to listen to. They are devastated too, and I can’t keep unloading onto them, so this site has been a saviour for me and as a bonus, I have made some loyal and supportive friends on here.
Online grocery shopping is great, and I had a delivery this morning. The girl who delivered hadn’t been here for a while. Last time she came, Tony had teased her about getting lost in a nearby village. Today she said “Where is your lovely husband? He’s normally here takng the mickey!” and she was very sad when I told her. Without exception, every tradesperson who has been to the house, window cleaners, the gardener, shopping delivery people and loads more have all said “but he was such a lovely man!”
Don’t I know it!!
Keep strong, Jean2 and everyone else. I am trying to, but it’s so hard! Love to you and everyone on here who understand how we feel.
Billslove, so pleased that your son is coming for three weeks. It will help you both so much. Without my family support I have no idea how I would get through the days.
Mornings are painful for us all I’m sure. Once consciousness kicks in you feel physically ill and wonder why life has been so very cruel to you.
Christmas for all of us is going to hurt. It’s a first and like all firsts it will bring tremendous sadness.
I’m dreading it to be honest because my lovely husband was always at the centre of Christmas day, producing his lovely Christmas dinner.
I cannot even think about it because I’m terrified of the pain. As a family we will try and spend some time together, I can see my son and my daughter and their spouses and we can support each other.
I’m not calling it Christmas, just some days to be together as safely as we can, in the midst of this isolating and horrible pandemic.
As if we have not been challenged enough!
My thoughts are with you all in your sadness and heartache. I hope we can support each other for a long time because I think our journey has only just begun. Little steps, keep your mind busy as much as you can and be kind to yourself. Some days the misery of it all will hit like an express train and on other days your mind is afraid to think because the wound is too raw.
Stay safe and we will try to draw strength from each other.
Yes, we’ll definitely support each other through this somehow, I’m here for you too xx
Today has been absolutely awful, all day. It started last night and usually after a heartwrenching end to the day, the next day is a little easier but it hasn’t been.
I have felt totally heartbroken and terrified all day, it’s as if losing my lovely husband happened only yesterday and not ten weeks ago!
I cannot see how I will come through this pain to have a life worth anything. I miss him so desperately and thoughts of all the things we will never share again just fill my head and make my heart ache so badly.
Sorry for this post. I don’t know where else to go with it today.
Hi @Cinders21, I love your nature exercise. I do a form of this every day and have been for many years. Christie xxx
Hi Seasurge,
I too have had a dreadful day, for me it will be 6 weeks on Thursday, but what is ten weeks after years with the special men we loved so much, our best friends. I also feel terrified to think of Christmas without him let alone any future. The only thing that brings me any solace is to go for a long walk, I can breathe deeply, cry & talk to him. It hurts but it also helps somehow. Wish you were down here & I would walk & talk with you about our darling husband’s
Just know you are not alone in this, some days/nights are just overwhelming but I am holding your hand as you do mine. We have to get through this somehow & we will together. I keep telling myself that’s what he would want xxxx
.
Thank you Billslove,
I too find comfort in long walks even though I cry when I am on my own. Today I cried and cried as I walked. Our loved ones would not want to see us like this would they?
Maybe next year we will walk and cry together. Thank you for your support. X
They would understand as well though XXX The suddenness & shock makes it hard to comprehend. Yes definitely ,I would do that with you next year, take care & a big hug
My darling husband s ashes are coming today. Can’t stop crying, so frightened, just broken hearted. We are taking them to his favourite beach, a beautiful & peaceful place, our happy place
We will be there at about 15.30.
Please think about us, new & special friends
Hello Billslove,
It is a very difficult thing to receive the ashes of your loved one. Mine are still with me beside the bed. I cannot decide what to do about that.
Cry all you need to, tell him you love him and this afternoon I will be with you holding your hand as you scatter the ashes in your happy place. He will be there walking those pathways with you and sitting on the beach. He will also be in your heart wherever you go.i am with you in your terrible pain.